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WRITTEN Jokes Thread


Jay
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Two shop assistants talking one says to her colleague, 

‘ I don’t know if I’ll last the day, I can hardly talk with my sore throat ‘

Her friend confided ,’ when I had a sore throat I gave my husband a blow job and afterwards it was fine. You should try it.’

The next day the two girls meet and one is singing.

’ Blimey, yesterday you had a sore throat and today you are singing , what happened ? ‘ 

‘Well, I took your advice but your husband was a bit surprised that you sent me’. 

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“Lucy in the sky with diamonds"

John Lennon was rubbish at Cluedo.


 

 

It was the inventor of the dishwasher’s funeral yesterday.

The coffin was lowered into the ground, only to be taken out by his wife and put back in properly.

Edited by Red DNA
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James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!
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I’ve got a chameleon called George who’s got some strange habits. Sometimes he stays a while other times he disappears and it all makes him quite frantic. 

To help him I’ve given him some of the new cannabis oil stuff. 

He’s now a…

🎶 calmer chameleon 🎶 he comes and goes 🎶

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