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WRITTEN Jokes Thread


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On 25/02/2022 at 09:25, Port Said Red said:

A man is driving through a safari park and sees a monkey carrying a banana and a tin opener.

Winding down his window he shouts out, "you thick ape, you don't need a tin opener for that"

The monkey looks up and shouts back "it's for the custard D*ck head!"

 Half Man Half Biscuit!

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"An older lady gets pulled over for speeding"...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there e a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.🤣🤣🤣

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A railway worker wanted a promotion so applied for a job as a signalman.

At interview he was asked what he’d do if two trains on the same track were heading towards each other….

He replied that he’d pull the junction lever to redirect one of the trains, only to be told that the level was jammed and immovable and what would he do then?

He said he’d run down the track to the junction and manually change the rails only to be told that lightening had struck the junction and that too was immovable.

Hmmm……he then replied that he’d go at get his uncle Earnie. “Why’s that?”  “because he’s never seen a train crash……

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My 4 year old granddaughter was visiting over the weekend and came up with one of those questions that adults dread. She came back from the bathroom and said "pops, where does Poo come from?".

I thought I would treat her as a grown up and gave her a scientific answer. 

I said "Our poo or faeces is largely (75%) made up of water, although this differs from person to person.

Vegetarians have a higher water content in their stools. Those who consume less fibre and more protein have a lower water content. Fibre has a high water-carrying ability and makes our stools more bulky, increases the frequency of bowel movements and makes the process of passing bowel motions easier.

The other 25% of faeces is made up of solids, which are mainly organic (relating to living matter) materials. A small proportion of solids is made up of inorganic material such as calcium and iron phosphate as well as dried constituents of digestive juices.

Around 25-54% of the organic material is made up of microbes (dead and living), such as bacteria and viruses."

"That's great Pops" she said "but what about Tigger?"

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