BigTone

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I

bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought

it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.

"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.

Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the

winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets

undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely

enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

Old Mr. Horowitz was sent to a nursing home by his family to live out his remaining years.

Every evening at dinnertime, a crazy old woman ran into his room, pulled up her skirt and shrieked "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

Old Mr. Horowitz quietly tolerated the old woman's mad behavior for weeks until one evening she scurried into his room, pulled up her skirt, cackling "SUPERPUSSY", and with a sigh he replied, "all right, all right, I'll have the soup!!"

Nelson Mandella is sitting at home reading his newspaper when there is a knock at the door

A little Chinese guy is standing there with a clipboard shouting "you sign you sign " and behind him is a truck load of brake pads - Nelson says sorry man wrong address and closes the door .

Next day theres another knock to the door and there stands the same Chinese guy shouting "you sign you sign " and behind him is a lorry load of new tyres - Nelson says look man you have the wrong address again and slams the door .

Following day another knock at the door and the Chinese guy shouting "you sign now you sign now " and a lorry full of car parts behind him - Nelson freaks out and throws him and the clipboard down the steps shouting wrong address I don't want any car parts now get lost !!!

and the little Chinese guy look up at him and says....

You no nissan main dealer ?

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

A couple decide they have to tighten up their belts. She says, "You're spending £16 a week on 24 cans of beer, that has to stop".

A week later he says, "Hang on your spending £28 a week on make up".

She says, "Yes, but that's to make me look lovely and attractive". He says, "That's what the beer was for !! "

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"S**t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him,"What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow paddock. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!' "I don't remember much after that ..."

An elderly couple went out to a very fancy restaurant for an evening of fine dining.

During the meal, the wife started to laugh and giggle. She leaned over to her husband's ear and whispered, "My dear, I just let out a silent fart. Should I do anything?"

He replied, "Yes. Get a new battery for your hearing aid."

Excuse my gate crashing yer Tone....

Crashers welcome, Tim

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital. "How are you, Grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care ofyou." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.. and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.

Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -

"Hey, I'm just messinging with you, dude...

You don't have to do all that stuff - she's dead!"

As I shall be away for a few days R&R in Paris I will not be able to post my daily pearl of wisdom so have set out this weeks masterpieces below. See you all on Thursday

Today:

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

Monday:

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

Tuesday:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

Wednesday:

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Hon, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She'd seen many books on the subject,and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.

She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

A Bristol Rovers fan walked into a bar with a large Pig under one arm

The Barman said "Where did you get that?"

The Pig replied "I won it in a raffle"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old

grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had

died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were

making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years

old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church

bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if

the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

I was in the pub yesterday, and i saw Vincent Van Gogh in the corner.

I called him over and asked him if he fancied a drink, to which he replied. 'no thanks, I've got one ear!'.....

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent ...

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl gorilla?" the removal service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there."

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a dog, a shotgun, and

a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.

"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick

until he falls. When he does, the trained dog will bite the gorilla's testicles

off.

The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to

put the handcuffs on."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please." the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily. "No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it`s startin` to twitch."

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, "Honey, you can tell me.

Am I the first man?"

She looked up and said, "Why does everybody ask me that?!"