Reading Fan Rant

[Northern Red]

Reading FC Supporters rant

It is a truly warped mind which can't rest after a defeat in the Carling Cup, but after an abortive attempt at sleep I find myself turning Ben Hamer's goalkeeping over in my head as well as apparently more pressing concerns about needing a new boiler and pending appraisals with my team at work ("you've put here 'strengths - accounting'. That's your job though, isn't it?").

Quite why I thought that watching Reading play would improve another dire day spent at work after battling across Berkshire on First Great Western's tardy and expensive service, dodging lycra-clad oxf*rd with fold up bicycles in the vestibules is beyond me. At least at Reading I can tell everyone in no uncertain terms what I think of their wretched performance as opposed to work where I spend the best part of 8 hours a day keeping my tongue. And now the more I think about it, the more things trouble me, for instance:

- Why did I spend £350-odd on a season ticket to commit to watching Alex Pearce slice desperate clearances at 45 degree angles to his kicking foot and Jem Karacan donate the football to the opposition as if they were collecting sports equipment for flood-ravaged Pakistan? It's not as if I didn't already know back in the summer that these two - and a good many others on our books - are pretty absymal at football. It should be about £4 to get in to watch a football match really, tops. I blame Liverpool fans and Northern Rock.

- Why do we have a failed ex-Slough and Woking manager in charge? Don't get me wrong, I like Brian. He's quite clearly a thoroughly bloody nice bloke which is at least an improvement on his predecessor.

- Why is our best player Icelandic? Iceland is to football what, erm, Bejam is to Cricket.

- Why is my own personal favourite player - also Icelandic - a 34-year old who is slower than a mini-bus full of Chelsea fans with a flat tyre? Are we otherwise so devoid of quality and excitement that watching a man apparently made from granite smash foolhardily into the opposition is the most entertaining thing on offer?

- Why do I hate Adam Federici? Is it because he is seemingly the only Australian who is crap at sport? Or because every post-match mistake-denying interview is delivered in that chirpy accent after he has spaffed a couple of low, near-post dollies under his fat belly?

- When will Brian Howard ever make a tackle? He likes a physical challenge about as much as Walter the Softy does.

- Why is it a £3.50 return fare from Reading station to go and watch this sh*t? What am I getting for my money, a film showing en route? You f*cking crooks.

- Why (when we have the spackiest, most simperingly middle-class fan base in the land) do we have probably the jobsworthiest stewards in the entire country, who themselves are dictated to by an ex-fireman with a speech impediment? And why don't the stewards make themselves a little more jobsworthy outside the ground rather than erecting a safety fence to keep 250 gibbering S****horpe fans at bay and sending the home supporters off to walk all the way round the ground to get to their cars parked at a bargain £7 in Worton Grange.

- Why is it only at football that £7 for 2 hours parking is deemed an acceptable price? At least Dick Turpin wore a mask.

- Why do I have to mind my p's and q's at football anyway? **** me, there are 8,000 empty seats most weeks; can't we sit all the kids in families in some sort of enclave with a sound-proof safety fence? At football, people shouldn't be thrown out for swearing, they should be ejected for doing the EA-SAY clap or for wearing face-paint or a jester's hat; these things are far more offensive.

- Why does modern football disenfranchise me so? Preening Premier League fancy-dans getting paid far too much and taking themselves too seriously. Sadly, in the Championship we seem to see the second-tier of this kind of **** which in a way is worse. SKY Sports News in HD bringing you the news that Barnsley have banned Vuvuzelas for next season. I hope all 92 league clubs go bankrupt, yes including Reading. It's all your fault, Jimmy Hill.

- Why, after 30 years trying, haven't I been able to find a more fulfilling hobby than watching a crap football team on a far too regular basis? Yes, there is another choice of hobby of course, but much more of that kind of thing and it'll fall off in my hand.

Oh well, at least this has stopped me thinking about the boiler for 5 minutes. And I suppose the biggest WHY here is WHY did I bother writing all this when I hold at least 90% in massive contempt anyhow.

[Dolman_Stand]

Awesome!

[Chalkie]

Brilliant!

Perhaps we could send him a ticket for a Rovers game - just to put things in perspective for the poor man.