cockneyrobin Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barry_mack Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Absolutely love these. Some favourites: Rather than spending money on expensive binoculars simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. Nuns; an empty cigar case filled with angry wasps makes for an inexpensive vibrator. Manchester United fans, rather than wasting money every season on expensive replica kits simply tattoo a pitcure of a giant penis onto your forehead, after which there will be no doubting as to your team of preference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InCider Posted June 15, 2011 Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 Some of my favourites ... FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple." GILLETTE Now that you have been out-manouvred by Wilkinson's Sword with their 4 blade razor as opposed to your pathetic 3, why not catch them off their guard and make a 5 blade model? FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon. EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. ... and one of my favourite letters ... Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Unfortunately, some of the best ones are a bit too OTT to share on OTIB, but if anyone wants a full list of the top tips and letters send me a PM, as have as several pages as a Word document. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiderEagle Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 FED UP with oral sex ? The simplest way to stop your girlfriend giving you blowjobs is to marry her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter O Hanraha-hanrahan Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 I remember one of my favourites from a few years ago: Racists, convince everyone your not racist by saying "Im not racist...but" before you say something racist. Unfortunately my missus binned all my old copies of Viz when we moved house. I wasnt happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiderHider Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 CYCLISTS. Avoid getting a sore arse by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack. Haha I love Viz. I liked Jump jet fanny and her hawker sidedly ****! Spoilt bastard. SAVE MONEY on toilet paper by wiping your arse on a flannel. This can be re-used once your wife or girlfriend has washed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarTheRed Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 One of my favourites was - I can't afford a personal number plate so i changed my name to - P246 HEU Classic !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red-Robbo Posted June 27, 2011 Report Share Posted June 27, 2011 The one that I remember best is: "Avoid a lifetime of disappointment and monotony by moving away from Luton, Bedfordshire" Mr D Jones, Luton, Beds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedZepperin Posted July 4, 2011 Report Share Posted July 4, 2011 SAVE MONEY on expensive whoopie cushions by simply letting out a really loud fart as you sit down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted July 7, 2011 Report Share Posted July 7, 2011 Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off. Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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