Promotion's Not Dead

[City Exile]

The Dead Promotion Sketch

BCFC productions

A BCFC fan exiting the Mellinium stadium, and bumps into Danny entering the team bus:

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BCFC fan: 'Ello Danny, I wish to register a complaint.

(Danny does not respond.)

B: 'Ello, Danny?

Danny: We're closin' for the summer.

B: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about that game what I watched not half an hour ago at this very stadium.

D: Oh yes, the, uh, the Div 2 play off final...What's,uh...What's was wrong with it?

B: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad, the team and tactics were rubbish, that's what's wrong with it!

D: No, no, uh,...they were resting.

B: Look, matey, I know a crap game when I see one, and I've been looking at one for the past 90 minutes.

D: No no their not rubbish, their, their restin'! Remarkable club, Bristol City, idn'it, ay? Beautiful colour!

B: The colour don't enter into it. Promotions stone dead.

D: Nononono, no, no! 'E's not failure!

B: All right then, its not failure, I'll book me ticket for Elland Road next year!

(shouting at the manager)

B 'Ello, Mister Danny Wilson, I've got a lovely fresh tactics book for you. The team never showed any movement!

(Danny hits the bus)

D: There, they moved!

B: No, they didn't, that was you hitting the bus!

D: I never!!

B: Yes, you did!

D: I never, never did anything...

B: (yelling and hitting the bus repeatedly) 'ELLO TEAM!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your five o'clock alarm call!

(No movement. Phones up Elland Road, who laugh and say 'try in a year's time. Throws season ticket up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

B: Now that's what I call a dead promotion.

D: No, no.....No, 'e's not over yet!

B: NOT OVER YET?!?

D: Yeah! You stunned the team, just as they was wakin' up! BCFCs stun easily.

B: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. This season is definitely deceased, and when I watched them not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that their total lack of movement was due to them bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged warm up.

D: Well, their, their...probably pining for the summer.

B: PININ' for the SUMMER!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did they fall flat on their back the moment I got sat down?

D: The BCFC players prefer scoring on their back! Remarkable players id'nit, squire? Lovely colours!

B: Look, I took the liberty of examining that team when I sat down, and I discovered the only reason that they did not move was that you had NAILED them there.

(pause)

D: Well, o'course they were nailed there! If I hadn't nailed the players down, they would have been all over the place - what about their shape, their shape for heavens sake - lovely it was, lovely.

B: "LOVELY"?!? Mate, these tactics couln't be "lovely" if you put four million volts through them! 'promotion's bleedin' demised!

D: No no! 'E's resting! Its not failure!

B: 'E's not resting'! 'Its's passed on! Promotion is no more! It's has ceased to be! 'Its's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!

'Its's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'I'm to the pitch 'e'd be holding up the trophy!

'Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'Its's off the twig!

'Its's kicked the bucket, 'its's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS A FAILED EFFORT!!

(pause)

D: Well, I'd better try next season then.

(he takes a quick peek into the bus)

D: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the bus, and uh, we're right out of movement.

B: I see. I see, I get the picture.

D: I missed the Peacock.

(pause)

B: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does he score?

D: Nnnnot really.

B: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY EXCUSE THEN, IS IT?!!???!!?

D: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Plymouth, he'll replace the manager for you.

B: Plymouth, eh? Very well.

The fan leaves.