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Thief In The Dolman


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Good morrow, squires.  One has been meaning to raise this frightful issue with you for some mean time.  I can conclude no more, and it gives me great grief to report it, that some disreputable vagabond has unlawfully removed my much prized bugle.

 

Now, we can deal with this matter like the gentlemen of honour and dignity that is befitting of our usual collective disposition and conduct; or, if preferred, we can arrange a fencing dual, some pigeon shooting or maybe even a spot of joustering to settle this despicable matter.

 

The choice, gentlemen, is yours. . . .

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This is bad first drum sticks now a bugle goes missing what next the east end choir, something dastardly

is going on. We need inspector hedge to look into this , and can sort this *****ly situation ,before it gets out of hand .

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I don't know who you are.

I don't know what you want.

If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money.

But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career.

Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

If you let my bugle go now, that'll be the end of it.

I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.

But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

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Must be an epidemic I bought my 1957 Fender Strat down the Gate, that's also gone missing, I'll expect it to be under my seat by the next home game, or else !

They really do flog anything in the clubshop... Except this season's training gear

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Does appear the dirty rotter is not forthcoming. So be it, let his conscious be his ultimate judge!

Though shalt gauge on Thathers Gold, Blackthorn and Natch until thy inner turmoil is relieved.

With all due respect intended to our good fellow standing of people, Ye Olde Easte Ende, I appreciate thy suffering.

I doth calleth for Nottorz (?) to chill thy batty creice. I also appeal to thy spirit of ye olde Easte Ende to, in some way, noteth kick the crape out of the naivety of youth but findeth in the Easte Ende's self to see her final days in with a spirit of reconciliation and truth - oxymoronic though that sounds.

A LONG TIME AGO IN BRISTOL TOWN SO THE WESTERN DAILY SAID. . . .

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While at the game I decided to bring my finest crockery as I wanted to try one of bristol city's exotic chicken balti Indian pastries. On the way out I realised someone had pickpocketed my fine silver fork. It has been in my family for generations

Do I want to hear about your fork in family? I think not...

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The comb and tracing paper that I always take to games in my back pocket seems to have disappeared, whoever nicked it could you please etc etc.................

Perfect excuse.....welcome your loss as an opportunity to upgrade to a kazoo without looking like a flash git. 

 

(ps, you may be able to make a claim on your home contents insurance, get a crime reference number from the old bill asap :) )

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Perfect excuse.....welcome your loss as an opportunity to upgrade to a kazoo without looking like a flash git.

(ps, you may be able to make a claim on your home contents insurance, get a crime reference number from the old bill asap :) )

Absolutely. When it comes to crime the police are the real experts - look at the West Midlands Serious Crime Squad - most of them went down for serious crimes...

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Good morrow, squires.  One has been meaning to raise this frightful issue with you for some mean time.  I can conclude no more, and it gives me great grief to report it, that some disreputable vagabond has unlawfully removed my much prized bugle.

 

Now, we can deal with this matter like the gentlemen of honour and dignity that is befitting of our usual collective disposition and conduct; or, if preferred, we can arrange a fencing dual, some pigeon shooting or maybe even a spot of joustering to settle this despicable matter.

 

The choice, gentlemen, is yours. . . .

 

"A dual it is sir, pistol or sword?"

 

"Very good sir, you've chosen the sword, the only weapon for a man of honour. Therefore I get the pistol."

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