Professor of Bristolian

[Jerseybean]

Check out his FB page Professor of Bristolian

Bristolian Jokes

Yer, ize 'ad a lot of fun translatin' classic jokes into Bristolian over the lass couple o' years, and theym always gert pop'lar when I puts 'em on me Professor of Bristolian Facebook page. Yer's a selection thass guaranteed to make thee awl laugh! 

Takin' the Doggie Out for a Walk Out Embray

Yer, thur wuz a little girl, like, wot lived in Ellsworth Road out Embray, an' she said to 'er muh, "yer, muh, can I take the dog for a walk, like?" 

Er muh replies, "no, cuz sheeze on 'eat?" 

"Wot do that mean, muh?" asked the lit lun. 

"Ask thy awd man," says 'er muh. "Eeze out in the garage." 

So the lit lun goes out to the garage an' says to 'er dad, "yer, dad, can I take Ninawl, arr lil doggie, out for a walk round the block? I asked arr muh but she says Ninawl's on 'eat!" So 'er dad took a rag, soaked it in petraw, an' scrubbed the dog's little arse to disguise the scent, like. 

Er dad says, "ok, thees can go now bu' keep the dog on a leash, mind!" So the little girl takes the doggie out, along Crow Lane, up Monsdale Drive, along Keinton Walk an' back 'ome, bu' she arrives back 'ome wivout Ninawl, the doggie! 

"Wur's Ninawl to?" asks 'er dad. 

"She ran out o' petraw in Keinton Walk, an' now thur's another dog pushin' 'er 'ome!" says the lit lun.

 

Tony from 'Engrove an' the Attractive Mature Lady

Yer, Tony from Engrove ooze 30 years awd, met this woman in a bar down town. She wuz bout 60 but gert well-dressed an' still very attractive, mind. Anyway, she starts chattin' 'e up an eeze finkin', well, don't wanna grab a grannie bu' if she've got a daughter, she've gotta be the gert lushest bird in Bristol, bound to be a stunner, mind! Suddenly the gert mature lady goes to 'e, "thees ever 'ad a sportsman's double me luvlay?" 

"Woss one o' they?" says Tony. 

"Iss a threesome wiv a mother an' daughter." 

Bleed nell, finks Tony, me lucks in yer! Anyway, they gets back to the lady's 'ouse in Ashton an' as they walks through the door she shouts out, "yer muh, you still awake?"

Ken's Missus an' the Pet Parrot

 Yer, my mate Ken's missus bought a pet parrrot in one o' they pet shops down town, mind, Only cost 'er a fiver. She asked they at the pet shop, "why's e so cheap? Eeze a gert luvlay parrot, mind!" 

They goes, "well, 'e used to live in a brothel dinnee an' 'e picked up lots of gert dirtay words an' expressions, mind." 

She fawt bout it for a minute but decided to buy the parrott anyway. When she got back to 'er ome in Annum she 'ung the bird's cage up in the livin'-room, like, an' waited for e to say summat. After a few seconds the bird goes, "New 'ouse, new madam." Me mate's missus fawt it gert strange but it weren't nuffink too bad, mind. 

Anyway, when 'er two teenage daughters got back from scaw the parrot goes, "new 'ouse, new madam, new girls!" They fawt it a bit offensive but gert funnay comin' from a parrot, mind. 

Not long after, Ken got 'ome from work dinnee. "Awl right, Ken?" goes the parrott! 

Kev an' 'is Posh Bird from Clifton

Yer, I met me awd mate Kev, from the Mead, up the Maul in Cribbs yesserday. 'E drove into the car park in a gert massive Mercedes dinnee, mind. I goes to 'e, "Wur's get a car like that to ?"

 'E goes, "Member that posh bird from Clifton I bin seein'?" 

"Oh ah," I goes. 

"Well, she took I out for a spin in this Mercedes smornen, out Norf Zummerset, an' she found this dirt track in these woods wur there weren't no one 'bout, mind!" 

"Oh ah," I goes. 

"Yeah, so she gets out the car, takes off all 'er clothes an' says to I 'You can have anything you want!'" says arr Kev. "So I goes, "fanks, I'll 'av the mercedes me luvlay, an' I drove off in it!" 

"Wise man," I goes. "'Er clothes 'ud never 'ave fit thee anyway, speshly wiv the size of thy man boobs!"

Gloshire Farmer an' 'is Rooster 

Yer, a Gloshire farmer come into Bristol to watch a film dinnee. When 'e tried to buy a ticket at the cinemawl, the bloke at the desk said, "yer, mate woss that on thy shoulder?"
"Iss me pet rooster, Chuck, innit," said the farmer. "'Chuck goes wherever I goes."
"Sorry me babber," said the bloke at the desk. "We cassen't 'av no animals in yer!"
So the Gloshire farmer goes round the corner and stuffs Chuck down 'is trousers, dunnee. Then 'e buys a ticket and gets in to watch the film, no probs. Inside 'e sits down by two awd ladies, Marj an' Cath.

The film starts, like, an' the rooster starts to squirm dunnee. So the farmer open 'is flies so Chuck can stick 'is ead out, mind, an watch the film.
"Yer Marj," says Cath. "I fink I got a gert perv sittin' next to I!"
"Why's fink that?" asks Marj.
"Eeze undone 'is trousers an' let 'is fing out!" says Cath.
"Don't worry bout that!" says Marj. "At arr age we seen 'em all annus?!"
"I fawt that an awl," says Cath, "bu' this un's eatin' me pop corn!"

Bloke from Bishopstun wiv the Unforgivin' Missus

Thur wuz this bloke, right, wot lived up Bishopstun, in Bishop Road. Yeah, 'e wuz sittin' quietly at 'ome one day, watchin' the telly, when 'is missus whacked 'e gert 'ard wiv a magazine.

"Bleed nell!" 'e goes. "Woss that for?"

"Thass for that piece of paper in thy trouser pocket wiv the name Laurawl Loo writ on it!" says 'is missus.

"Oh no," 'e goes. "Laurawl Loo wuz the the name of the 'orse wot I bet on lass weekend. I bought thee flowers wiv the winnin's, mind!"

"Ize so sorry me luvlay," says 'is missus. "Shudda known thur wuz a gert good explanation."

The day after 'e wuz sittin' quietly watchin' the telly again when 'is missus whacked 'e gert 'ard wiv a fryin' pan this time, mind! Gert dazed, an' wiv a massive bump on 'is 'ead, 'e goes, "Ow! That gert 'urt summat rotten! Wot wuz that for?"

"Thy 'orse juss phoned!"

 

Burglar an' the Parrot

Yer, thur wuz this burglar wot broke into a gert big 'ouse out Embray, near Blaise. Once inside, like, 'e keeps on 'earin' this voice dunnee, sayin' "Jesus is watching you!" Muss be the stereo, 'e finks, so 'e yanks the plug out the wall. Bu' 'e ears the voice again, "Jesus is watching you!" Then 'e sees a parrot in the next room. 

"Bleed nell," goes the burglar, "woss thy name then?" 

"Moses," says the parrot. 

"Moses," laffs the burglar, "what kinda peepaw cawls a parrot Moses?" 

"Kinda peepaw wot cawls thur rottweiler Jesus!" goes the parrot.

 

Why Barry Run Away from the Army 

Yer, 30 years ago arr Barry, a Bristolian from Bemmie, joined the army dinnee. On 'is first day o' trainin' the army give 'e a comb. The next day, mind, the army barber shaved off awl 'is 'air! Then the army give arr Barry a toofbrush dinnum. The next day the army dentist yanked out seven of 'is teef, mind! The day after that, the army give arr Barry a jock strap! Now arr Barr ain't bin seen for 30 years. The army's still lookin' for 'e!

 

Me Mistake at San Carlawl's Restaurant

Wuz juss finkin', like, bout when I wuz at that restaurant San Carlawl's down town in Corn Street, mind. Awl evenin' I 'ad this gert irrepressible urge to fart. Strangely, the music that night wuz gert loud, so loud that I fawt "I can fart yer, no problem, no one's gonna notice." After fartin' to the rhythm of the music for two songs I wuz feelin' so much better but I cudden't unnerstand why awl the other customers wuz starin' at I. Then I noticed that I wuz lisnin' to the music on me Ipod wonneye!

Age of Chivalry is Dead 

Dunno woss 'appenin' nowadays. The age of gert chivawlry is dead innit, mind? Wuz chattin' to a mate on the phone udder night when thur wuz that gert 'orrible storm. 

"Terrible storm, innit," 'e goes. "Me missus as bin stood starin' through the window for bout an hour, mind! If the storm gets much worse ize gonna 'av to let ''er in!"

Weird Conversashun Out Embray Fish Bar

Yer, I 'members 'earin' a gert weird conversashun in Embray Fish Bar down Crow Lane once upon a time, mind. Yeah, wuz betwen a girl an' 'er dad. 

The girl goes: "Me boyfriend's said summat to I that I cassen't unnerstand, arr dad. Yeah, 'e said I got a beautiful chassis, gert luvlay airbags an' a gert fantasticawl bumper!" 

Then 'er dad says: "Tell thy boyfriend that if 'e opens thy bonnet, an' tries to check thine oil wiv 'is dipstick, ize gonna tighten 'is nuts so bleedin' 'ard that 'is eadlights is gonna pop out an' e'll start leaking from 'is gert exhaust pipe!"

 

Two Ladies From Wales 

I remembers, bout a year ago, I wuz in a pub down town an I 'eard these two non Bristolian ladies chattin'. 

I goes, "yer, I likes thy accent. You two ladies, yoom from Liverpawl?" 

They goes, "it's Wales, you idiot!" 

So I goes, "aw rite then, you two whales, yoom from Liverpawl?" 

Cassen't remember much after that!

 

The Nawtay Kidday Out Merrywood Scaw 

Yer, wuz watchin' a vid yesserday bout this kiddie 'oo wen' a scaw at Merrywood in the 60s, like, an 'e went down in istree dinnee! Then they said 'e done naughties wiv a girl in geography an awl!

 

A Couple Doin' Nawtays up Blaise Woods

Yer, I juss 'eard a story 'bout a couple wot wuz doin' nawtays in Blaise woods after dark, mind! 

After 'bout 15 minutes the bloke gets up an' goes: "Bleed nell! Cassen't see nuffink. Wish I 'ad a gert powerful torch!" 

"Me an' awl," goes the woman. "Thees bin eatin' grass for the lass 10 minutes!"

 

Sandrawl and Tinawl at the Gawden Lion in Gloucester Road

Yer, some ladies don't 'alf say some gert strange fings, mind, dunnem?! I remembers one evenin' when I wuz down one o' they pubs in Gloucester Road, mighta bin The Gawden Lion, an' I wuz 'avin' a beer on me own. Yeah, I over'eard this conversation between two ladies, like. 

One of 'em goes: "Yer Sandrawl, 'ow dost thee spell 'scrotum'?" 

So Sandrawl goes: "Aw Tinawl, thess shuddda asked I lass night. Wuz on the tip o' me tongue!" 

Still cassen't work out wot she meant by that, mind!

 

Buyin' Some Kiddies Stuff From the Coop in Crow Lane Out Embray

Yer, seen a group of teenagers outside the Coop in Crow Lane, Embray earlier today. They asked I if I could go in an' get 'em 20 Richmonds. No probs I fawt. So I goes in, buys 'em, then comes out an' gives the packet to they teenagers. Bleed nell! I got gbh of the ear'ole wiv awl the abuse they give I! They cawd I a ****, a tosser an' much much worse. 

So I goes: "Listen! Me bess mate's a karate black belt, me missus' cousin is a mafiawl boss, so next time thees can buy thy own bloody sausages!"

The Meader an' the Priest on the Number Two Bus

Yer, thur wuz a young kiddie got on the Number 2 bus out Soufmead, to go into town, like, an sat next to a bloke wot wuz readin' a book, mind. The young kiddie noticed the bloke 'ad his collar on backwards an' asked 'e why. The bloke, oo wuz a priest, goes, "I am a Father."

The young kiddie goes "arr dad's a father too, mate, bu' 'e don't wear 'is collar like that, mind!"

The priest goes, "I am the Father of many."

The young kiddie replies, "arr dad's a father of 7 kiddies by arr muh an 6 by 'is first wife, bu' 'e still don't wear 'is collar like that, mind!"

The priest wuz gettin' impatient by now an said, "I am the Father of hundreds!" an' tried to ge' on wiv readin' 'is book.

The young kiddie sat thur quietly finkin' for a few seconds, mind, then tawd the priest, "Maybe thees shud wear a condom, mate, an' put thy pants on backwards instead of thy collar!"

 

Lit Lun's Fear Of Cockroaches

Yer, when I wuz a lit lun I used to be afraid of earwigs, mind, cuz I fawt they lived in me ear. I cassen't even start to tawk 'bout me fear of cockroaches!

 

Me Nightmare Wiv Bog Paper Out Asdawl

Yer, in Asdawl today I wuz gert 'orrified to find that there weren't no bog paper. Reluctantly, like, I went over to the checkout to ask if they 'ad any. Bleed nell! Gert firm 'NO' wuz the answer.

Walkin' back to the bog wiv me pants an' trousers round me ankawls wuz a walk o' shame, mind, speshly wiv The Sun newspaper in me 'and!

 

Sexist Doctor in a Bristol 'Ospitawl

Yer, me mate's missus wuz most insulted an' complained the doctor wuz sexist when she went for a gert medical examination yesserday. Yeah, 'e goes to she:

"Thy 'eart, lungs, pulse an' blood pressure is awl gert fine. Now I wants a see that part o' thee that gets thee ladies into a gert loada trouble."

So me mate's missus starts takin' off 'er bra an' panties don't she, bu' the doctor stopped 'er 'fore she dooze the full monty an' 'e says to she:

"No, don't wanna see none o' that, mind! Juss stick out thy tongue me luvlay!"

 

Two Nuns Down King Street

Yer, I wuz down town in King Street yesserday when I seen two nuns ridin' thur bicycles. Funny wot they said, mind! One goes: "I never cum this way before!" 

An' the udder un goes: "Yeah, is cuz o' the cobblestones, innit, mind!"

 

The Barman an' the Gorillawl

Yer, I wuz in the pub lass night gettin' zidered up when this gorillawl walks in dunnee! Yeah, an' 'e says to the barman, "thees got any bananawls?"

The barman goes, "no we ain't got no bananawls." 

Then the gorillawl asks 'e again, "thees got any bananawls?" 

"No, we ain't got no bananawls," says the barman again. 

Then the gorillawl asks the barman a third time, "thees got any bananawls?" 

The barman's gettin' angry innee an' 'e says, "yer, if thees asks I again if we got any bananawls ize gonna nail thee to that wall over thur?" 

So the gorillawl asks 'e, "thees got any nails?" 

"No, we ain't got no nails!" says the barman. 

"Thees got any bananawls?" asks the gorillawl.

[Enclosure Old Timer]

Think he needs to get out more!

[italian dave]