Calculus Posted October 3, 2005 Report Share Posted October 3, 2005 I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' onit. I said,"Thyroid problem?"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for anew bike. Then I realised, God doesn't work thatway, so I stole one and asked him to forgive meI've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can'tget my wife to go swimming.I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladderI went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at anytime'. So I ordered French toast during theRenaissanceWell I was bullied at school, called all kinds ofdifferent names but one day I turned to my bulliesand said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones butnames will never hurt me', and it worked! From thereon it was sticks and stones all the wayMy Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire',which is probably why he got thrown out of the firebrigadeSex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have agood partner, you'd better have a good handI saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. Myneighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No,Six should be enough'If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why arethey made out of meat?I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they getall nervous and give the wrong answersYou know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.Peter Kay's questions;Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when youget undressed?If a person owns a piece of land do they own it allthe way down to the core of the earth?Why can't women put on mascara with their mouthclosed?Is it possible to brush your teeth without wigglingyour a*se?Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the firstthing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob,and I am an alcoholic'?Why is there a light in the fridge and not in thefreezer?Why does mineral water that 'has trickled throughmountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?Why do toasters always have a setting that burns thetoast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?Is French kissing in France just called kissing?Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here anddrink whatever comes out'?What do people in China call their good plates?Why do people point to their wrist when asking forthe time, but don't point to their crotch when theyask where the bathroom is?What do you call male ballerinas?Why is a person that handles your money called a'Broker'?If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil ismade from vegetables, then what is baby oil madefrom?Why is it that when someone tells you that there areover a billion stars in the universe, you believethem, but if they tell you there is wet paintsomewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?Do illiterate people get the full effect of AlphabetSpagetti?Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog'sface, he gets mad at you but when you take him on acar ride, he sticks his head out of the window?Peter Kay's Universal Truths;Triangular sandwiches taste better than square onesAt the end of every party there is always a girlcryingOne of the most awkward things that can happen in apub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle getssynchronised with a complete strangerYou've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat greencrispsEveryone who grew up in the 80's has entered thedigits 55378008 into a calculator - then turned thefigures upside downReading when you're drunk is horribleSharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feelreally manlyYou're never quite sure whether it's against the lawor not to have a fire in your back gardenNobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowlYou never know where to look when eating a bananaIts impossible to describe the smell of a wet catProdding a fire with a stick makes you feel manlyRummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn upa bouncy ballYou always feel a bit scared when stroking horsesEveryone always remembers the day a dog ran intoyour schoolThe smaller the monkey the more it looks like itwould kill you at the first given opportunitySome days you see lots of people on crutchesEvery bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,flushed half way through and then raced against theflushOld women with mobile phones look wrongIts impossible to look cool whilst picking up aFrisbeeDriving through a tunnel makes you feel excitedYou never ever run out of saltOld ladies can eat more than you thinkYou can't respect a man who carries a dogThere's no panic like the panic you momentarily feelwhen you've got your hand or head stuck in somethingNo one knows the origins of their metal coat hangersDespite constant warning, you have never met anybodywho has had their arm broken by a swanThe most painful household incident is wearing socksand stepping on an upturned plugPeople who don't drive slam car doors too hardYou've turned into your dad the day you put aside athin piece of wood specifically to stir paint withEveryone had an uncle who tried to steal their noseBricks are horrible to carryIn every plate of chips there is a bad chipKnowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom isnot putting it in a fruit salad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stoke_Gifford_Red Posted October 3, 2005 Report Share Posted October 3, 2005 I must say they made I laugh! Cheers mate, brightened up me day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turbo Posted October 3, 2005 Report Share Posted October 3, 2005 Thanks for cheering me up. Never laught so much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KaspaBCFC Posted October 3, 2005 Report Share Posted October 3, 2005 How are they one liners.. Veyr Funny though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stoke_Gifford_Red Posted October 3, 2005 Report Share Posted October 3, 2005 How are they one liners.. Veyr Funny though. Most of them are, in that they are one sentence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KaspaBCFC Posted October 4, 2005 Report Share Posted October 4, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BeNeRz Posted October 6, 2005 Report Share Posted October 6, 2005 Legend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mightymilks Posted October 6, 2005 Report Share Posted October 6, 2005 Class Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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