Political Correctness

[Sir Colby-Tit]

Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy

Hardy: Aye sir

Nelson: Hold on that's not what I dictated to the signal officer; What's the meaning of this?

Hardy: Sorry Sir, what's amiss?

Nelson: England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or disability.What gobbledygook is this?

Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Nelson: Gadzooks. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

Hardy: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smokefree working environments.

Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished. Its part of the Governments policy on binge drinking.

Nelson: Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead then.

Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, don't want to get a ticket Sir.

Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.

Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.

Nelson: What?

Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crows nest sir. They said that the rope ladder doesnt meet regulations. They wont let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson: Then get the ships carpenter without delay.

Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the focsle Admiral.

Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.

Hardy: Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrierfree environment for the differently abled.

Nelson : Differently abled? I've only got one arm and one gammy eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

Hardy: Actually sir you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency; you've been recruited through a process of positive discrimination.

Nelson: Whatever next ? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons!

Hardy: A couple of problems there too Sir. Health and Safety won't allow the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt -havent you seen the adverts?

Nelson: I've never heard such infamy! Break out the cannon and tell the Men to standby to engage the enemy.

Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral - their Union isn't too happy about it either.

Nelson: What? This is mutiny.

Hardy: It's not that Sir. Its just that theyre afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.

Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

Hardy: Actually sir, we're not.

Nelson: We're not?

Hardy: No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldnt even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.

Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

Hardy: Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life

Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

Hardy: As I explained Sir, rum is off the menu and theres a ban on corporal punishment.

Nelson: What about sodomy?

Hardy; I believe that is now legal sir.

Nelson: Well in that case... kiss me Hardy!

[The Batman]

very good matey, i thought you would have put something like this in......

Nelson: we shall win the battle and be home for christmas

Hardy: actually no, you see the local council have banned christmas in case it offends non-christians, it is now "winterland" or "the festival of lights".

[CiderHider]

Supurb! Ooooh bring back the good old days i say!

[Guest revkev]

Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy

Hardy: Aye sir

Nelson: Hold on that's not what I dictated to the signal officer; What's the meaning of this?

Hardy: Sorry Sir, what's amiss?

Nelson: England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or disability.What gobbledygook is this?

Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Nelson: Gadzooks. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

Hardy: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smokefree working environments.

Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished. Its part of the Governments policy on binge drinking.

Nelson: Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead then.

Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, don't want to get a ticket Sir.

Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.

Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.

Nelson: What?

Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crows nest sir. They said that the rope ladder doesnt meet regulations. They wont let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson: Then get the ships carpenter without delay.

Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the focsle Admiral.

Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.

Hardy: Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrierfree environment for the differently abled.

Nelson : Differently abled? I've only got one arm and one gammy eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

Hardy: Actually sir you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency; you've been recruited through a process of positive discrimination.

Nelson: Whatever next ? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons!

Hardy: A couple of problems there too Sir. Health and Safety won't allow the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt -havent you seen the adverts?

Nelson: I've never heard such infamy! Break out the cannon and tell the Men to standby to engage the enemy.

Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral - their Union isn't too happy about it either.

Nelson: What? This is mutiny.

Hardy: It's not that Sir. Its just that theyre afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.

Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

Hardy: Actually sir, we're not.

Nelson: We're not?

Hardy: No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldnt even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.

Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

Hardy: Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life

Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

Hardy: As I explained Sir, rum is off the menu and theres a ban on corporal punishment.

Nelson: What about sodomy?

Hardy; I believe that is now legal sir.

Nelson: Well in that case... kiss me Hardy!

Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy

Hardy: Aye sir

Nelson: Hold on that's not what I dictated to the signal officer; What's the meaning of this?

Hardy: Sorry Sir, what's amiss?

Nelson: England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or disability.What gobbledygook is this?

Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Nelson: Gadzooks. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

Hardy: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smokefree working environments.

Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished. Its part of the Governments policy on binge drinking.

Nelson: Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead then.

Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, don't want to get a ticket Sir.

Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.

Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.

Nelson: What?

Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crows nest sir. They said that the rope ladder doesnt meet regulations. They wont let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson: Then get the ships carpenter without delay.

Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the focsle Admiral.

Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.

Hardy: Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrierfree environment for the differently abled.

Nelson : Differently abled? I've only got one arm and one gammy eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

Hardy: Actually sir you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency; you've been recruited through a process of positive discrimination.

Nelson: Whatever next ? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons!

Hardy: A couple of problems there too Sir. Health and Safety won't allow the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt -havent you seen the adverts?

Nelson: I've never heard such infamy! Break out the cannon and tell the Men to standby to engage the enemy.

Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral - their Union isn't too happy about it either.

Nelson: What? This is mutiny.

Hardy: It's not that Sir. Its just that theyre afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.

Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

Hardy: Actually sir, we're not.

Nelson: We're not?

Hardy: No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy we shouldnt even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.

Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

Hardy: Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life

Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

Hardy: As I explained Sir, rum is off the menu and theres a ban on corporal punishment.

Nelson: What about sodomy?

Hardy; I believe that is now legal sir.

Nelson: Well in that case... kiss me Hardy!

This is great, reminds me of a sketch I heard on Rasdio 4's "The Million Pound Radio Show", where the crew of a pirate ship mutiny and demand that their captain organises a training day to prioritise objectives, and that a creche be provided. Classic stuff.