Actual Sport Commentators

[Ben4BCFC]

Weighlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

Paul Hamm, gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Boxing analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

The best quotes from Sky TVs rugby man, the ubiquitous Murray Mexted!

"You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."

"He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the backline."

"Spencer's running across field calling out, come inside me, come inside me."

"I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap opens up

like that and you just burst right through."

"I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when you see a man on the ground is to go down on him"

"Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."

"There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie right up his backside"

"Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a couple of seasons now."

Brian Johnston during England vs West Indies game "The batsmans Holding the bowler's Willy"

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny

Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen

Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World

Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet

he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on

This Morning:

"She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's

formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes

what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well

Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire

match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:

"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night

like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What

does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:

"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath

away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big

race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live

said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed

and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."