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[Guest eviltaxman]

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas

bill, a spokesman for Northwest Gas said "We agree it was rather

high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged

for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole

salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was

missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evenings News

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,

because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle

and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael

Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are

Fascist *******s". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and

Mr *******s has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made

out in his new name

(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable

teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard

spokesman

commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard

on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he

was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help,

the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the

audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent

each

week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she

recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses

came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil

Hitler

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

THE YEAR'S BEST [ACTUAL] HEADLINES OF 2002:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group