CiderHider Posted May 12, 2006 Report Share Posted May 12, 2006 Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one ofthem would have seen it.1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,press the hash key..."2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn'tfind any.4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that hecouldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks aretoo high."5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled himin.6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know youcan't, I've cut your arms off"7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in thecraft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayakand heat it.9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van coveredwith hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.""That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ""Is it common? ""It's not unusual."12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, isthere anything you can do for him?""Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog upand examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'mgoing to have to put him down.""What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck upmy backside.""How's that?""Don't you start."14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can yougive me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,go for it.'17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or mydad, Or my older brother Colin, Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But Ithink it's Colin.18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." Theother one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,>the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other oneoff.20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' Sothat was nice."21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in severalplaces" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when asmall two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search andrescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that numberto climb as digging continues into the night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Batman Posted May 13, 2006 Report Share Posted May 13, 2006 i love tommy cooperone of his that i saw on tv was this oneA short sighted man walks into a bank with the intent to rob it, he says "stick 'em up" to which the burgler adds "are they up?"legendery comedian, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grifty Posted May 13, 2006 Report Share Posted May 13, 2006 22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when asmall two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search andrescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that numberto climb as digging continues into the night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinC Posted May 13, 2006 Report Share Posted May 13, 2006 My favourite Tommy Cooper gag is of a man who walks into a library and cuts strips from his trousers and hands them to the librarian.When she asks what he was doing, the man replied, "It's a turn up for the books." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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