For The Older Men Of The Forum..........

[Avonmouth Docker]

A very elderly gentleman (mid 90s), very well dressed, hair well

groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of

a

good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an

upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady

(mid 80s).The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a

drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here

often?"

~~~~

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number

of years. He went to the doctor, and the doctor fitted him with a set

of

hearing aids that permitted him to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman

returned to the doctor a month later. The doctor said, "Your hearing

is

perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear

again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just

sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will

three

times!"

~~~~

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a

bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm

83

years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're

about

my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really? Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep, No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants!"

~~~~

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After

eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two

gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new

restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the

name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one

that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards

the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we

went

to last night?"

~~~~

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being

discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one

elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed, with a

suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the

hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me

wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was

meeting him.

"I don't know, he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom,

changing out of her hospital gown."

~~~~

A couple in their 90s, are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells

them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start

writing

things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his

chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she

asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it

down because you know you'll forget it.

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd

better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got

it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and

hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for

a

moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

~~~~

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear

you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

~~~~

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

~~~~

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing

aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's

perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

~~~~

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and

pulled himself slowly, and painfully, up onto a stool. After catching

his

breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

~~~~