Some Jokes

[Scrumpymeup]

Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very

nervous. Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go

upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed

his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama,

Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all

good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took

off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs

and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks

and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran

downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."

..............

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the

city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a

visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that

even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny

to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through

the United Way ?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research

also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge

medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is

blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology.....

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband

died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three

children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a

huge array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

...............

Such a beautiful story of sharing......

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain

hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one

pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began

to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another

meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her

husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old

woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came

over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered........

"THE TEETH."