Things You Will Never Hear David Lloyd Announce

[sephjnr]

Any supporters caught smoking cannabis will be arrested and their offending items will be confiscated and brought to the announcer's booth.

This is a message for the visiting supporters: if you leave now, you might make it in time for Dr. Who.

Would supporters sitting in Row Z of the Atyeo stand please be aware that Bradley Orr is taking the free kick.

For tax purposes today's attendance at Ashton Gate is six.

This is a message for the owner of the green porsche clamped on Winterstoke Road: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Would a Mr. Uriah Rennie please report to a steward, we've just found your betting slip.

This is a message for a Mr. Lee Johnson. Aim for the Top-LEFT corner, not the Top-Right.

To the gentleman sitting in the Wedlock Stand by himself- we're away and the coaches left at 9 this morning, I'm only here for a sound-check.

We regret to announce this afternoon's fight with the Cardiff supporters has been postponed due to waterlogged Stone Island.

We would like to remind the supporters who wish to participate in our latest half-time competition that banjos are now on sale in the Megastore.

On behalf of the visiting team's goalkeeper, I am directed to announce that his wife had female genitals the last time he checked.

This a message for a Mr. Gareth Johnson in the dugout, please refrain from making ill-advised wagers on Sky TV as PetWorld have informed us that their gerbils are still traumatised.