Jump to content
IGNORED

Complaint to Walkers Crisps...

Fordy62

By Fordy62
in General Chat

Recommended Posts

Fordy62

Fordy62

Posted
Posted

Ok, so it's international break weekend and boredom has set in early for me. So I decided to entertain myself for half an hour by writing a letter of complaint to Walkers. At the very least I expect to get a free pack of crisps out of it. Please feel free to read the below and don't fall into the same trap that i did... Needless to say I wasn't impressed...

 

Dear Sir/Madam,

Please first be aware that it takes a lot for me to complain. I once watched my father write to Nestle and complain that his Kit-Kat had no wafer in; it was all chocolate. I didn’t consider that grounds to complain, I thought if anything he was lucky, but he had the last laugh when sent a full pack of replacement Kit-Kats.

Anyway… I was shopping in a bustling Morrisons Supermarket yesterday, when I happened upon the crisp section. Now, you may consider the following scenario as partly my fault because everyone knows that you shouldn’t go food shopping while hungry, and boy was I hungry. Anyway… I perused the crisp aisle and my attention was immediately drawn to Walkers Sensations Roast Beef and ‘Fiery’ Horseradish flavor crisps. You’ll note the inverted commas around ‘Fiery’ and this may give you some clue as to what direction this letter is heading.

Horseradish is one of my very favourite things. I cant get enough of the bloody stuff, so when I saw them, I helped myself to not one, but two packets (just in case I couldn’t wait until next weeks shop after having consumed the first packet).

Upon returning home, I unpacked the car to allow the wife to put the shopping away (I’m a true gent you see), and ripped open the first of the bags. My first thought was back to my teenage years when Brannigan’s Roast Beef and Mustard were common place (prior to their unexplained demise) and I felt on the cusp of something special… The unmistakable hot rush of fire up my nostrils as they struggled to cope with the blazing inferno of the Fiery Horseradish.

Fiery they were not.

They were about as fiery as a fortnight stay in Antarctica. Fiery as blast in the face with a German water cannon. About as fiery as eating a double Mr Whippy in under 30 seconds.

They were as fiery as a refreshing pint of cider after a wonderful warm summer’s walk. As fiery as a log flume ride in mid January. Do I need to carry on?

I wondered if it was just me. So I passed a crisp to my three year-old daughter Jemima. In a protective fatherly way, I warned her “You wont like them, they’re a bit spicy” (NB I don’t make a habit of lying to my child). She put the crisp into her mouth and nodded as if to give the seal of approval. Nodded? She hates anything that isn’t bland!

Do the taste technicians (this is what you should call them if they’re not already called that), not speak to the marketing department? Almost any other adjective in the world would have been more appropriate than ‘Fiery’. Here are some suggestions;

Roast Beef with a touch of subtle Horseradish.


Roast Beef with refreshing Horseradish.


Roast Beef with almost non-existent Horseradish.

Seriously, I know that Frito-Lay know how to make flavoursome crisps, in fact you invented Doritos Roulette, which incidentally if you Google, the top hit comes back as “I thought I was going to die says girl who ate spicy Doritos!”. Yet remarkably you don’t brand them as ‘Fiery’. (NB Doritos Roulette are delicious and the little girl in the article needs to man up a little).

Can you see my issue here? This is as blatant a case of false advertising as I’ve ever seen. It is almost worthy of a visit by BBC’s Matt Alwright dressed up as an old man or a call to trading standards. The police may even have some interest as any persons who makes a false representation with the intention of causing gain for himself or risk of loss to another is guilty of an offence. The use of the word ‘Fiery’ completely fits that. I’m almost considering Ford V Frito Lay and I’ll even let you pick a Judge – Judy or Rinder.

I have never had an issue with Walkers products. But this has made me sad. I was like an excited teenager again, but one taste made me realize that I’m just a middle aged 30-something.

Does Gary Lineker know about this? Because he wouldn’t approve.

I patiently await your fiery response.

Fiery regards,

Fordy

Link to comment
Share on other sites
'Orns

'Orns

Posted
Posted

Ha - that made I chuckle, although you bring it on yourself young Fordy. Horseradish? ******* horseradish? I can only imagine that the actual horseradish flavour is scrapped off Satan's bollocks, from somewhere near where they get olives from, I suspect

Awful, awful flavour

It also worries me you liked the beef and mustard crisps back in the day. Odd choices

I'm more annoyed I can't find Walkers Marmite crisps anywhere now? I can only presume the voting public has jettisoned that flavour first, the ******* idiots

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Barrs Court Red

Barrs Court Red

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Woodsy said:

Ha - that made I chuckle, although you bring it on yourself young Fordy. Horseradish? ******* horseradish? I can only imagine that the actual horseradish flavour is scrapped off Satan's bollocks, from somewhere near where they get olives from, I suspect

Awful, awful flavour

It also worries me you liked the beef and mustard crisps back in the day. Odd choices

I'm more annoyed I can't find Walkers Marmite crisps anywhere now? I can only presume the voting public has jettisoned that flavour first, the ******* idiots

Now listen. I like you. You seem a genuine guy and a good poster, but if you ever speak ill of Brannigans Beef and a Mustard again, I will flay you before rolling you in salt.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
chipdawg

chipdawg

Posted
Posted
17 minutes ago, Woodsy said:

Ha - that made I chuckle, although you bring it on yourself young Fordy. Horseradish? ******* horseradish? I can only imagine that the actual horseradish flavour is scrapped off Satan's bollocks, from somewhere near where they get olives from, I suspect

Awful, awful flavour

It also worries me you liked the beef and mustard crisps back in the day. Odd choices

I'm more annoyed I can't find Walkers Marmite crisps anywhere now? I can only presume the voting public has jettisoned that flavour first, the ******* idiots

Oi! The demise of Branigans Beef and Mustard crisps is one of the great travesties of the 21st century I'll have you know. Show some damn respect

Fordy- I feel like you need a non-crisp-based hobby...

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Red Rum

Red Rum

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Fordy62 said:

Ok, so it's international break weekend and boredom has set in early for me. So I decided to entertain myself for half an hour by writing a letter of complaint to Walkers. At the very least I expect to get a free pack of crisps out of it. Please feel free to read the below and don't fall into the same trap that i did... Needless to say I wasn't impressed...

 

Dear Sir/Madam,

 

Please first be aware that it takes a lot for me to complain. I once watched my father write to Nestle and complain that his Kit-Kat had no wafer in; it was all chocolate. I didn’t consider that grounds to complain, I thought if anything he was lucky, but he had the last laugh when sent a full pack of replacement Kit-Kats.

 

Anyway… I was shopping in a bustling Morrisons Supermarket yesterday, when I happened upon the crisp section. Now, you may consider the following scenario as partly my fault because everyone knows that you shouldn’t go food shopping while hungry, and boy was I hungry. Anyway… I perused the crisp aisle and my attention was immediately drawn to Walkers Sensations Roast Beef and ‘Fiery’ Horseradish flavor crisps. You’ll note the inverted commas around ‘Fiery’ and this may give you some clue as to what direction this letter is heading.

 

Horseradish is one of my very favourite things. I cant get enough of the bloody stuff, so when I saw them, I helped myself to not one, but two packets (just in case I couldn’t wait until next weeks shop after having consumed the first packet).

 

Upon returning home, I unpacked the car to allow the wife to put the shopping away (I’m a true gent you see), and ripped open the first of the bags. My first thought was back to my teenage years when Brannigan’s Roast Beef and Mustard were common place (prior to their unexplained demise) and I felt on the cusp of something special… The unmistakable hot rush of fire up my nostrils as they struggled to cope with the blazing inferno of the Fiery Horseradish.

 

Fiery they were not.

 

They were about as fiery as a fortnight stay in Antarctica. Fiery as blast in the face with a German water cannon. About as fiery as eating a double Mr Whippy in under 30 seconds.

 

They were as fiery as a refreshing pint of cider after a wonderful warm summer’s walk. As fiery as a log flume ride in mid January. Do I need to carry on?

 

I wondered if it was just me. So I passed a crisp to my three year-old daughter Jemima. In a protective fatherly way, I warned her “You wont like them, they’re a bit spicy” (NB I don’t make a habit of lying to my child). She put the crisp into her mouth and nodded as if to give the seal of approval. Nodded? She hates anything that isn’t bland!

 

Do the taste technicians (this is what you should call them if they’re not already called that), not speak to the marketing department? Almost any other adjective in the world would have been more appropriate than ‘Fiery’. Here are some suggestions;

 

Roast Beef with a touch of subtle Horseradish.

 


Roast Beef with refreshing Horseradish.

 


Roast Beef with almost non-existent Horseradish.

 

Seriously, I know that Frito-Lay know how to make flavoursome crisps, in fact you invented Doritos Roulette, which incidentally if you Google, the top hit comes back as “I thought I was going to die says girl who ate spicy Doritos!”. Yet remarkably you don’t brand them as ‘Fiery’. (NB Doritos Roulette are delicious and the little girl in the article needs to man up a little).

 

Can you see my issue here? This is as blatant a case of false advertising as I’ve ever seen. It is almost worthy of a visit by BBC’s Matt Alwright dressed up as an old man or a call to trading standards. The police may even have some interest as any persons who makes a false representation with the intention of causing gain for himself or risk of loss to another is guilty of an offence. The use of the word ‘Fiery’ completely fits that. I’m almost considering Ford V Frito Lay and I’ll even let you pick a Judge – Judy or Rinder.

 

I have never had an issue with Walkers products. But this has made me sad. I was like an excited teenager again, but one taste made me realize that I’m just a middle aged 30-something.

 

Does Gary Lineker know about this? Because he wouldn’t approve.

 

I patiently await your fiery response.

 

Fiery regards,

 

Fordy

 

Fingers crossed for you - I once wrote a letter in the same vein to Walkers after finding what looked like a scabby piece of old boot leather in my pack of salt and vinegar.  I was sent a £5 Walkers voucher as compensation - what a result!

Link to comment
Share on other sites
'Orns

'Orns

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Barrs Court Red said:

Now listen. I like you. You seem a genuine guy and a good poster, but if you ever speak ill of Brannigans Beef and a Mustard again, I will flay you before rolling you in salt.

 

 

1 hour ago, chipdawg said:

Oi! The demise of Branigans Beef and Mustard crisps is one of the great travesties of the 21st century I'll have you know. Show some damn respect

Fordy- I feel like you need a non-crisp-based hobby...

Oh shit, I've pissed off the Beef and Mustard posse!

Just awful things, sorry chaps! Remember as a kid, my Dad always had mustard when we had liver....I tried it when I was about 8. Jesus, I can still remember it to this day! It's something I want to like, and I'll try it now and then, but I just can't stand it. The current Mrs Wood put it in something once to see if I could pick up on the taste - I was like a shark when there's a drop of blood in the ocean 50 miles away. Ugh

Right, rant over. I'll never say anything nasty about your favourite crisps ever again.....unless you slag off Roast Beef Monster Munch, then this shit is getting real

Link to comment
Share on other sites
TRL

TRL

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, WhistleHappy said:

Crispy Bogeys, Ear Wax and Knob Cheddar flavour crispy crinklecut fries has always been a favourite at the Mem, I believe, at least ever since Hedgehog flavour crisps got the chop.

Well having just eaten rat in Thailand so I vote for rat. I would suggest bring back hedgehog... But watch out watch out there's a Horace about

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Mike Hunt-Hertz

Mike Hunt-Hertz

Posted
Posted
On 9 November 2015 14:58:24, Woodsy said:

Ha - that made I chuckle, although you bring it on yourself young Fordy. Horseradish? ******* horseradish? I can only imagine that the actual horseradish flavour is scrapped off Satan's bollocks, from somewhere near where they get olives from, I suspect

Awful, awful flavour

It also worries me you liked the beef and mustard crisps back in the day. Odd choices

I'm more annoyed I can't find Walkers Marmite crisps anywhere now? I can only presume the voting public has jettisoned that flavour first, the ******* idiots

Withdraw the olive remark sirrah! Indubitably the tucker of the gods (especially the little tins of jalapeño stuffed ones).

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Red-Robbo

Red-Robbo

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, Rouge Sans Pareil said:

Horseradish is gert lush too!

Quite right. Horseradish,  olives (although I prefer Kalamanta ones myself), mustard, cherries, onions (another thread I know, but same rules apply),  marmite and all else on this good Earth should be eaten by all.

Everything in fact, except for sprouts. They MUST be banned and never propagated again.

Oh and the worst crisp flavour ever - prawn cocktail. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Lanterne Rouge

Lanterne Rouge

Posted
Posted
14 minutes ago, Red-Robbo said:

Quite right. Horseradish,  olives (although I prefer Kalamanta ones myself), mustard, cherries, onions (another thread I know, but same rules apply),  marmite and all else on this good Earth should be eaten by all.

Everything in fact, except for sprouts. They MUST be banned and never propagated again.

Oh and the worst crisp flavour ever - prawn cocktail. 

Don`t diss the sprout! One of mother nature`s finest creations along with that monarch of pulses, the broad bean.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Mike Hunt-Hertz

Mike Hunt-Hertz

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, Red-Robbo said:

Quite right. Horseradish,  olives (although I prefer Kalamanta ones myself), mustard, cherries, onions (another thread I know, but same rules apply),  marmite and all else on this good Earth should be eaten by all.

Everything in fact, except for sprouts. They MUST be banned and never propagated again.

Oh and the worst crisp flavour ever - prawn cocktail. 

Sprout and bacon soup is  ambrosia ! Desist from this heretical talk!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...