northsomersetred

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, Ma'am you had twins...... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother........ He's a clueless moron! Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name? " "Denise ," says the doctor . The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother...... I like Denise. Then she asks, "What's the boy' name?"........ ... Denephew

Gareth Gates had to cancel his planned comeback concert in Chester tonight. He got in a taxi to go to the gig but unfortunately he ended up in Chichester

Whorefield benefits office A woman walks into the Whorefield benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'I call them by their surnames!'

Dai is at the car boot sale when an American tourist comes by. Pointing to a skull on display in Dai's car, he says: “Whose skull is that?” “That,” says Dai profoundly, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr. It's yours for £10.” “Incredible,” says the American. “I'll take it.” Some weeks later, Dai is at the car boot sale when the same American walks past and notices a much smaller skull for sale. “Whose skull it that?” asks the American. “That,” says Dai in a practised voice, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr.” “Hang on,” says the American. “You sold me the skull of Owain Glyndwr a few weeks ago.” “Aye,” says Dai. “This is when he was a boy.”

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dislooks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says; 'Bugga dat. Dis budgie jumping is too bloody dangerous for me!' WAIT, THERE'S MORE... Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' WAIT, IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Bugga dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping. den Seamus parrotshooting..... and now Sean and his bloody hengliding.'

Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, >which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeRumpyPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Help requested please

Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship. Paddy says, 'It's awfully quiet on deck tonight' Murphy says ' Everyone will be watching the band' Paddy says 'There is't a band playing tonight' So Murphy say 'I definately heard someone say 'A band on ship''

BREAKING NEWS : Suspect in Paris almost got away with stealing hundreds of high profile paintings from the Louvre. After planning the crime and getting past security, he was finally captured just 2 streets away ... his van ran out of gas. When asked how he mastermind such a daring crime and make such an obvious error, he replied ... "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!!!"