cider hoss rules

I was sitting watching match of the day the other night, and my Mrs came in and said 'fancy a sh*g babe'? I said, 'after the football love' She said, 'you know you can record it don't you' I said 'Nice, you get the camcorder and I'll be up when the footy finishes'

my mrs asked me to make her moan in bed last night ......................................... so I ran into the bathroom and p***ed on the toilet seat

My missus said to me the other night, "Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" I replied, "god knows, but I won't be doing it again..."

My wife wanted to do some role play early this morning. I asked her to pretend to be a schoolgirl. She asked, "Why, do you find girls in uniform sexy?" I replied, "No, I want you to bugger off until four o'clock this afternoon."

bought my Mrs a hamster fur coat the other day, it looks great ......................... only trouble is it took me 4 hours to get her off the ferris wheel at Blackpool yesterday

A bloke is swimming off the coast when he gets into difficulty and starts drowning. After a few minutes of struggling a boat comes past and offers him help, 'it's ok' says the man, 'I put my faith in god, he will save me' The boat sails away again. After more struggling, a helicopter appears, and drops down to offer assistance, again the man says 'it's ok, I put my faith in god, he will save me' After the helicopter flies off, the man continues to struggle and is sadly drowned. He appears at the pearly gates and is greeted by god, He says to god 'I prayed to you and believed you would save me, what went wrong?' God says, 'I sent you a boat and a helicopter, what more do you want?'

My kleptomania was getting out of control, but I'm taking something for it now

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?" The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." "What happened then?" they ask. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

for dads there is fathers day for mums there is mothers day for lovers there is valentines day and for w***ers there is palm sunday

I went up to my boss earlier and said 'where do you want me to put this huge roll of bubble wrap?' 'Just pop it in the corner' he said I was there for four hours and still never finished it

A bloke knocked on my door earlier and said 'I have a parcel for your next door neighbour' I said, 'You've got the wrong house then mate'

What's the difference between a lazy wife and the G*s? Nothing, they both deserve to get beaten and they're lucky if they don't.

mine won't be tonight

The cows looked very unhappy in the snow this morning, I'm not surprised though, they were Friesan

What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre

How do you know when it's time to clean up your house and do the washing up? Look in your pants, if you have a c*ck then it's not time

my dog will chase anyone on a bike, the only way I could stop him was to take his bike off him