BigTone

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.

She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Plymouth and I worked both sides of the harbour".

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He

spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a

couple of pretty miserable looking policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some

really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,

what's the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill

here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the

reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of

a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.

The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few

really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke

a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill

wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said,

"Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again!"...

"You fancy comin' along?"

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence

and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on

little Freddie.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your

thinking."

Then little Freddie says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The

third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the

one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Freddie replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with

the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

The Judge asked the prostitute "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute replied wiping her tears, "When the cheque bounced!!!!"

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I

bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

"Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought

it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari.

"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.

Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the

winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets

undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely

enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

Old Mr. Horowitz was sent to a nursing home by his family to live out his remaining years.

Every evening at dinnertime, a crazy old woman ran into his room, pulled up her skirt and shrieked "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

Old Mr. Horowitz quietly tolerated the old woman's mad behavior for weeks until one evening she scurried into his room, pulled up her skirt, cackling "SUPERPUSSY", and with a sigh he replied, "all right, all right, I'll have the soup!!"

Nelson Mandella is sitting at home reading his newspaper when there is a knock at the door

A little Chinese guy is standing there with a clipboard shouting "you sign you sign " and behind him is a truck load of brake pads - Nelson says sorry man wrong address and closes the door .

Next day theres another knock to the door and there stands the same Chinese guy shouting "you sign you sign " and behind him is a lorry load of new tyres - Nelson says look man you have the wrong address again and slams the door .

Following day another knock at the door and the Chinese guy shouting "you sign now you sign now " and a lorry full of car parts behind him - Nelson freaks out and throws him and the clipboard down the steps shouting wrong address I don't want any car parts now get lost !!!

and the little Chinese guy look up at him and says....

You no nissan main dealer ?

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

A couple decide they have to tighten up their belts. She says, "You're spending £16 a week on 24 cans of beer, that has to stop".

A week later he says, "Hang on your spending £28 a week on make up".

She says, "Yes, but that's to make me look lovely and attractive". He says, "That's what the beer was for !! "

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"S**t" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him,"What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow paddock. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!' "I don't remember much after that ..."

An elderly couple went out to a very fancy restaurant for an evening of fine dining.

During the meal, the wife started to laugh and giggle. She leaned over to her husband's ear and whispered, "My dear, I just let out a silent fart. Should I do anything?"

He replied, "Yes. Get a new battery for your hearing aid."

Excuse my gate crashing yer Tone....

Crashers welcome, Tim

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital. "How are you, Grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care ofyou." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.. and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.

The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"

"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.

Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says -

"Hey, I'm just messinging with you, dude...

You don't have to do all that stuff - she's dead!"

As I shall be away for a few days R&R in Paris I will not be able to post my daily pearl of wisdom so have set out this weeks masterpieces below. See you all on Thursday

Today:

An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

Monday:

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

Tuesday:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

Wednesday:

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Hon, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She'd seen many books on the subject,and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice.

She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

A Bristol Rovers fan walked into a bar with a large Pig under one arm

The Barman said "Where did you get that?"

The Pig replied "I won it in a raffle"

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."