chinapig Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Some people rationalise their disappointment that we didn't go up by saying we're not ready yet. However they focus on trivial reasons like whether the players are good enough. A close study of teams that do well in the Premier League reveals the real reasons we are not yet ready though: Dugouts Ours are far too small. So small in fact that Gary and Keith have to stand up all game. All the best clubs have an area the size of a first class departure lounge, with seats to match. Replacing the Williams Stand with one of these is essential, with the added bonus that the average level of noise at games will actually increase. Mysterious blokes on the bench Every decent team has at least two unknown bald/shaven headed blokes in tracksuits, headsets optional, on the bench. Nobody knows who they are or what they do but it appears you have to have them. Where are ours? A fit and proper Chairman/Owner Ours is a mere multi-millionaire and depressingly honest in how he makes his money (in so much as anybody working in financial services can be called that). Having not as far as I know been involved in gun running, high-level government corruption or extra-judicial executions he has no chance of passing the Premier League's rigorous fit and proper person test. We must find a proper owner urgently. Inspirational Captain Ok so Louis is Mr Bristol City, over 500 games blah, blah but when was the last time he led 10 players in surrounding the referee, hurling abuse and jabbing a finger in his chest? We need our very own Rio or JT to step up to the plate. Sulkers Not one of our squad has stalked off the pitch and thrown his shirt to the ground when subbed. When left out of the side they wimpily buckle down to fight for their place and back the other lads from the bench or the stands. Where are the quotes in the press from "close friends" slagging off the Manager and identifying the team mates who are not fit to lace his boots? Surely they have seen Anelka and should take inspiration from a world class sulker? Grumpy, monosyllabic Manager Let's face it the current incumbent is far too articulate, witty and worst of all sporting. He must learn to grunt his way through interviews or refuse to do them at all, fulminate at the referee and the opposition and storm out of press conferences surrounded by minders. A Director of Football It matters not that he has little or no managerial experience, in fact it is a positive advantage, but you have to have somebody to sign all the players the Manager doesn't want and in other ways to undermine him. He must be a close personal friend of the Chairman and preferably foreign with no knowledge of the English game (Dennis Wise need not apply as he fails to meet the first criterion though he does meet the second). I'm sure Gary would welcome such a figure with open arms and closed fists. Sinister Chief Executive Every decent club needs a brooding, preferably balding and sinister Peter Kenyon type Chief Executive. Oh, hang on...... I could go on but I'm sure you get my point. Perhaps the Trust could put this to the Club before it's too late? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeeperRed Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 This gave me a good chuckle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinmansboots Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Very good. Made I laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiderSomerset Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 I see where you are coming from, and we need to address these issues asap. At least Sexstone is up to Premier league standards.. :noexpression: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paignton red Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Some people rationalise their disappointment that we didn't go up by saying we're not ready yet. However they focus on trivial reasons like whether the players are good enough. A close study of teams that do well in the Premier League reveals the real reasons we are not yet ready though Grumpy, monosyllabic Manager Let's face it the current incumbent is far too articulate, witty and worst of all sporting. He must learn to grunt his way through interviews or refuse to do them at all, fulminate at the referee and the opposition and storm out of press conferences surrounded by minders. Plus, he doesn't chew gum at 90mph with his gob wide open. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunningdalered Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 quality assessment I also think the lack / absence of buckets / other sports drink vessels strategically placed for choreographed displays of frustration with team / officials has been a major managerial oversight this season Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chinapig Posted May 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Thanks for correcting my oversights on chewing gum and buckets/bottles. Doesn't Gary learn anything when he goes on those courses with Premier League managers? Between us we can come up with a substantial dossier showing the club where it is going wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheese Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 And where are the prawn sandwiches in the canteen? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kingswood Village Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Obviously our players have had their moments, but surely premier league teams need to have at least one ROASTING episode to hit the National newspapers?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chinapig Posted May 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Obviously our players have had their moments, but surely premier league teams need to have at least one ROASTING episode to hit the National newspapers?! Keep it to yourself but I understand there has been such an episode but fortunately the story was suppressed by our supportive local evening paper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LouieDane Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 You've forgotten a lot! There's also: Token Chinese/Korean player This one player will not be any good, but it's an absolute must if we want to compete in the premier league. Some random Asian guy who isn't any good at football will help us sell many more shirts and increase our fan base in these places. Advertising boards We must have those really annoying moving electronic advertising boards. This will ensure that no one can concentrate on the game as the moving boards will make it impossible to pick up the path of the ball as the only people we need to cater for are the people watching on TV in China, so the adverts will be those advertising David Beckham's new line of suits and will be in Mandarin. This will also mean that the new type of fans (young kiddy types) will have something to look at during the match trying to work out what the adverts are about. Stop calling it a club - It's now a brand! Logo's must be on everything. The club shop will be 8 times bigger with several floors. Everything will cost loads of money, and everything from staplers to sofas will be available with the brand crest on. Also pie's and burgers must come with a serviette with the brand logo - all this food must be booked before kick-off and delivered to you at half-time, pie's should cost roughly 3-4 weeks wages. Atmosphere Shut up everyone! I often find that when me and my chums are trying to have an in depth discussion about the tactics of the match some very rude people were cheering and singing. This will be unacceptable, so to combat this we should raise the ticket prices by 200% after we have been promoted - this should counter the problem as only rich executives and their families will be able to afford to go to the matches. This will help the players to concentrate during the match which can only be a good thing. Hotel We obviously need a hotel - for - ummmmm - well, you need a hotel don't you? obviously. Diving Forget this trying to score by crossing and headers, the new tactics are to give the ball to Ivan Sproule and let him run at defenders then fall over. This will ensure we can compete in the modern game. New signings In the play-off final 13/16 players were British, this is obviously why we lost. No more players from Bristol will be allowed because it will give us more flair - we must follow Wenger's "British players are rubbish" policy in order to survive. All our new players must either be french midfielders who can take free-kicks or massive Africans who can kick the other teams off the park. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kingswood Village Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Keep it to yourself but I understand there has been such an episode but fortunately the story was suppressed by our supportive local evening paper. Aaahh God bless them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stefan Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Dugouts Ours are far too small. So small in fact that Gary and Keith have to stand up all game. All the best clubs have an area the size of a first class departure lounge, with seats to match. Replacing the Williams Stand with one of these is essential, with the added bonus that the average level of noise at games will actually increase. you are fogetting the key, KEY point. the seats Must, must, MUST be car seats. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunningdalered Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Not forgetting, of course, our new strategic alliances with a swedish third-division outfit and minnesota-based minor (assuming there must be such a thing, if there's a major one!) soccer league corporation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon uk Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 great stuff guys, the best post I have seen in ages! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chinapig Posted May 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 You've forgotten a lot! There's also: Token Chinese/Korean player This one player will not be any good, but it's an absolute must if we want to compete in the premier league. Some random Asian guy who isn't any good at football will help us sell many more shirts and increase our fan base in these places. Advertising boards We must have those really annoying moving electronic advertising boards. This will ensure that no one can concentrate on the game as the moving boards will make it impossible to pick up the path of the ball as the only people we need to cater for are the people watching on TV in China, so the adverts will be those advertising David Beckham's new line of suits and will be in Mandarin. This will also mean that the new type of fans (young kiddy types) will have something to look at during the match trying to work out what the adverts are about. Stop calling it a club - It's now a brand! Logo's must be on everything. The club shop will be 8 times bigger with several floors. Everything will cost loads of money, and everything from staplers to sofas will be available with the brand crest on. Also pie's and burgers must come with a serviette with the brand logo - all this food must be booked before kick-off and delivered to you at half-time, pie's should cost roughly 3-4 weeks wages. Atmosphere Shut up everyone! I often find that when me and my chums are trying to have an in depth discussion about the tactics of the match some very rude people were cheering and singing. This will be unacceptable, so to combat this we should raise the ticket prices by 200% after we have been promoted - this should counter the problem as only rich executives and their families will be able to afford to go to the matches. This will help the players to concentrate during the match which can only be a good thing. Hotel We obviously need a hotel - for - ummmmm - well, you need a hotel don't you? obviously. Diving Forget this trying to score by crossing and headers, the new tactics are to give the ball to Ivan Sproule and let him run at defenders then fall over. This will ensure we can compete in the modern game. New signings In the play-off final 13/16 players were British, this is obviously why we lost. No more players from Bristol will be allowed because it will give us more flair - we must follow Wenger's "British players are rubbish" policy in order to survive. All our new players must either be french midfielders who can take free-kicks or massive Africans who can kick the other teams off the park. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chinapig Posted May 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 The quality of your responses has revealed to me the depth of my ignorance of the modern game (sorry, product - see what I mean?). I am left with no alternative but to take a job with the Evening Post or a red top national newspaper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinC Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Stop calling it a club - It's now a brand! Logo's must be on everything. Everything will cost loads of money, and everything from staplers to sofas will be available with the brand crest on. Not far off that now (he says, using his City mousemat, drinking from his City tea mug and adjusting his City socks)... AND it's expensive!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheese Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Diving Forget this trying to score by crossing and headers, the new tactics are to give the ball to Ivan Sproule and let him run at defenders then fall over. This will ensure we can compete in the modern game. I thought he did already! :noexpression: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hicksy-BCFC Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Managers All successful managers in the Premier League have to be foreign, it's the law. So GJ will either have to resign or get himself a foreign accent to fit in - Scottish will suffice. Flashy St Tropez tan, rolex watch, armani suits and try to perfect the "eeeeees futbolll no?" Then we're getting somehwere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LouieDane Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Style If our players want to play in the Premier League they should note that Alice bands for dodgy long haircuts and gloves (whatever the weather) are mandatory and they should ensure that the knees are covered with the socks at all times. This is not cissy, it is Premier League class. You can only wear the shirt outside of the shorts if you are foreign and naturally stylish - dispensation can be given to Jocks and Scousers who are, by nature, scruffy buggers so most of our lot will be ok. How could we forget The most important Premier League accessories: Gloves! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunningdalered Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 How could we forget The most important Premier League accessories: Gloves! I think you'll find the correct premier protocol is crossing yourself every 2 minutes, kissing the turf, religous artifact of choice and elizabeth duke 2 carat signot ring, and beating the club badge on chest - whilst wearing gloves! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chinapig Posted May 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Style If our players want to play in the Premier League they should note that Alice bands for dodgy long haircuts ... How could I forgot the haircuts? When he feels better do you think Bradley could be persuaded to cultivate a Bacary Sagna do or would a wig suffice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunningdalered Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Imagine dele or trunds trying to one of those gymnastic goal celebrations Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hicksy-BCFC Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 I think you'll find the correct premier protocol is crossing yourself every 2 minutes, kissing the turf, religous artifact of choice and elizabeth duke 2 carat signot ring, and beating the club badge on chest - whilst wearing gloves! What I would give to see (even for half hour) Ronaldo or Drogba marked by Ron Harris or Norman Hunter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jgsmuzzy Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Fans We need to have tens of thousands of fans (like Man Utd and Chelsea) who support us "because we are doing well" Oh wait.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheese Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 What I would give to see (even for half hour) Ronaldo or Drogba marked by Ron Harris or Norman Hunter. Marked being the operative word!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinC Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 What I would give to see (even for half hour) Ronaldo or Drogba marked by Ron Harris or Norman Hunter. Would be great to see Drogba writhing on the floor with a real injury, ie having had Chopper's studs on his neck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daz555 Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 City will need Recaro seats in those fancy new dug outs. Without them, relegation into the Blue Square is a dead cert. City will also be needing some more cockneys at Ashton Gate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paignton red Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 IF GARY IS STILL HERE, and it's a big if, cause he's got sooooo much work to do to learn how to become a proper Premier League manager, he really does need to go on a course on how too learn to shout and point his finger at the ref. when he's coming off the pitch! p.s. great thread, lovin it, lovin it i am. see gary,even more to learn! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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