Mighty Squirrel Kingdom Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Outstanding thread, very very funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Colby-Tit Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 BCTV No more amatuerish Bristol City World. To compete we need our own cable channel for the bargain price of £59.99 per month. It should ideally show looped interviews with Louis Carey saying "in all fairness" a lot, "Through The Keyhole" type programmes so we can see inside of our players sock drawers, and most importantly programmes showing the WAGS shopping in Cabot Circus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matty f Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 I see where you are coming from, and we need to address these issues asap. At least Sexstone is up to Premier league standards.. :noexpression: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chinapig Posted May 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Outstanding thread, very very funny! I was just trying to cheer myself up really. This started with conversations I have with my son (we do have sensible ones sometimes). I love the responses so far and, as it seems to have snowballed (ish), if by the end of the week the number of posts exceeds those saying we must sign Lita/Eastwood/Sharp etc, (fill in your own list of the usual suspects) I will make a £20 donation to charity. Open to suggestions on that. It's up to you to make sure I have to pay out! Actually looking at the Strikers thread alone that's a tad optimistic. How about when this thread reaches 100 posts (excluding any shameless attempts to bump it, especially by me). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slave to the rhythm Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Some people rationalise their disappointment that we didn't go up by saying we're not ready yet. However they focus on trivial reasons like whether the players are good enough. A close study of teams that do well in the Premier League reveals the real reasons we are not yet ready though: Don't forget that we need at least one club employee to be arrested at dawn by the City of London police, accompanied by the national press, on suspicion of false accounting and/or money laundering. This is an area where we have so far totally failed to reach the required Premier League standard. Also, have any of our players had sordid affairs with failed Big Brother has-beens? Thought not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chivs Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 You've forgotten a lot! There's also: Advertising boards We must have those really annoying moving electronic advertising boards. This will ensure that no one can concentrate on the game as the moving boards will make it impossible to pick up the path of the ball as the only people we need to cater for are the people watching on TV in China, so the adverts will be those advertising David Beckham's new line of suits and will be in Mandarin. This will also mean that the new type of fans (young kiddy types) will have something to look at during the match trying to work out what the adverts are about. This one stands out for me. Whilst Premier League teams have electrickery automagically rotating boards we also have advertising boards that really do rotate. And that's not good enough. There's the mandatory advertising board behind the "assistant coach" standing in for the manager who won't talk to people who accused him of being a fraud and a cheat. This board must have little brand logos of companies you'd rather see explode than buy from. I was just trying to cheer myself up really. This started with conversations I have with my son (we do have sensible ones sometimes). I love the responses so far and, as it seems to have snowballed (ish), if by the end of the week the number of posts exceeds those saying we must sign Lita/Eastwood/Sharp etc, (fill in your own list of the usual suspects) I will make a £20 donation to charity. Open to suggestions on that. It's up to you to make sure I have to pay out! Actually looking at the Strikers thread alone that's a tad optimistic. How about when this thread reaches 100 posts (excluding any shameless attempts to bump it, especially by me). A nice crisp one will suffice, chinapig Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Funny thread. I can't add much but finger wagging, don't think our players do enough of that when a decision goes against us. A shaking of the head for 10 ins after and icy glares also are a must surely? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paignton red Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Nobody's mentioned players brandishing the yellow card,"cause it wasn't a bad tackle ref, but e didn't 'alf look at me funnily"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
potbelly Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 We should also forget "Twentpence talks crap" We need at least 12 callers to every broadcast of 606, please note that these callers must live outside of a 120 mile radius from Ashton Gate. "Hello Alan, i`m Bill from Dagenham, just watched the game on Sky 6 HD and i just want to say that i think it is wrong for Gary Johnstone to play dhdfhSKI on the wing when we really should be playing that other chap njsnbdSKI there instead." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin Ian M Posted May 28, 2008 Admin Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Funny thread. I can't add much but finger wagging, don't think our players do enough of that when a decision goes against us. A shaking of the head for 10 ins after and icy glares also are a must surely? Sorry M, have you not seen Michael McIndoe play yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drew Peacock Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 A couple of the players need to be caught speeding through Long Ashton at over 90mph and use Mr Fixit Lawyer to get them off the charge. Also, there needs to be a rumour about one of the players being gay (mind you reading the programme notes about what they get up to in their hotel rooms on away games, there could be more than one of them). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chinapig Posted May 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Managers All successful managers in the Premier League have to be foreign, it's the law. So GJ will either have to resign or get himself a foreign accent to fit in - Scottish will suffice. Surely Latvian? Gary can say a whole sentence (Where is my aeroplane?) which is more than some Premier League Managers can say in English. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedM Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Sorry M, have you not seen Michael McIndoe play yet? Ha yes, he's definitely a Prem player in the making! He does tend to do the 2 armed thing, sort of holds them both out and makes a sharp downward movement, almost as if he is conducting an orchestra, always makes me smile and I wait for him to do it now. Imagine if he can get them all to do it! He's one on his own is McIndoe, I think he's great. If he stays I might have to give him an honorary place in my sig, unless we sign a ginger! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenun Posted May 29, 2008 Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Some people rationalise their disappointment that we didn't go up by saying we're not ready yet. However they focus on trivial reasons like whether the players are good enough. A close study of teams that do well in the Premier League reveals the real reasons we are not yet ready though: Dugouts Ours are far too small. So small in fact that Gary and Keith have to stand up all game. All the best clubs have an area the size of a first class departure lounge, with seats to match. Replacing the Williams Stand with one of these is essential, with the added bonus that the average level of noise at games will actually increase. Mysterious blokes on the bench Every decent team has at least two unknown bald/shaven headed blokes in tracksuits, headsets optional, on the bench. Nobody knows who they are or what they do but it appears you have to have them. Where are ours? A fit and proper Chairman/Owner Ours is a mere multi-millionaire and depressingly honest in how he makes his money (in so much as anybody working in financial services can be called that). Having not as far as I know been involved in gun running, high-level government corruption or extra-judicial executions he has no chance of passing the Premier League's rigorous fit and proper person test. We must find a proper owner urgently. Inspirational Captain Ok so Louis is Mr Bristol City, over 500 games blah, blah but when was the last time he led 10 players in surrounding the referee, hurling abuse and jabbing a finger in his chest? We need our very own Rio or JT to step up to the plate. Sulkers Not one of our squad has stalked off the pitch and thrown his shirt to the ground when subbed. When left out of the side they wimpily buckle down to fight for their place and back the other lads from the bench or the stands. Where are the quotes in the press from "close friends" slagging off the Manager and identifying the team mates who are not fit to lace his boots? Surely they have seen Anelka and should take inspiration from a world class sulker? Grumpy, monosyllabic Manager Let's face it the current incumbent is far too articulate, witty and worst of all sporting. He must learn to grunt his way through interviews or refuse to do them at all, fulminate at the referee and the opposition and storm out of press conferences surrounded by minders. A Director of Football It matters not that he has little or no managerial experience, in fact it is a positive advantage, but you have to have somebody to sign all the players the Manager doesn't want and in other ways to undermine him. He must be a close personal friend of the Chairman and preferably foreign with no knowledge of the English game (Dennis Wise need not apply as he fails to meet the first criterion though he does meet the second). I'm sure Gary would welcome such a figure with open arms and closed fists. Sinister Chief Executive Every decent club needs a brooding, preferably balding and sinister Peter Kenyon type Chief Executive. Oh, hang on...... I could go on but I'm sure you get my point. Perhaps the Trust could put this to the Club before it's too late? You're forgetting... Scandal One of our players will have to embark on an affair with a giraffe (no, not Peter bloody Crouch), or other zoological specimen just to make the front page of the News of the World. All PR is good. Clandestine meetings with agents Gary will have to tap up players in order to be a top Premier League manager and Travelodges and Berni Inns are a strict no-no if you're trying to sign the next Cashley Cole. Trying to rip the badge of your team's shirt Our forwards will have to be far more jingoistic when celebrating a goal. This will involve twisting the club crest to make it appear like a detached retina that can be thrust into the eyes of an unsuspecting child sitting in the front row of the Williams Stand, that'll make the poor bugger choke on his overpriced fruit pastilles. Integrity Are you taking the p*ss? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Philip Belgrave Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 What a superb thread- well done to all contributors. Both amusing and educational, here was me thinking that promotion was all about merit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chinapig Posted May 31, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2008 I love the responses so far and, as it seems to have snowballed (ish), if by the end of the week the number of posts exceeds those saying we must sign Lita/Eastwood/Sharp etc, (fill in your own list of the usual suspects) I will make a £20 donation to charity. Open to suggestions on that. It's up to you to make sure I have to pay out! Actually looking at the Strikers thread alone that's a tad optimistic. How about when this thread reaches 100 posts (excluding any shameless attempts to bump it, especially by me). Well, like David Noble after 70 mins we ran out of steam (never let the facts get in the way of a good stereotype). By way of compromise and in appreciation of the laughs your responses have given me a tenner will go to charity. I thought about donating it to a donkey sanctuary but decided Richard Walker could take care of himself. The distressed itinerant folk of Cheltenham have also tugged my heart strings (or possibly not). Oxfam it is then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bemmyboy Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 I was going to keep it to myself, but I now exactly why we lost the playoff final and it's all the players' fault. Firstly, there is the Fire Extinguisher Incident or rather, the lack of one. We send them off to the Algarve for so R&R and light training and no one lets off a fire extinguisher in the hotel lobby. What were they thinking of? And none of the other guests complained about their loutish behaviour. In fact I'm told the other guests tought they were a lovely group of respectable lads, What a bunch of losers. Then there is the bleached hair Windass knew what was needed, where was Carey's or Trundle's blond mullet? Finally, the team suits, not gaudy, not flashy and not designer. If we can't get these simple basics right, it will be back to trips to Rotherham and Chesterfield before much longer, you mark my words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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