A rare serious thread from me - advice please

[swanker]

Because of our beliefs we as a family don't celebrate Father's Day or for that fact Mothers Day either. Me and my wife have two wonderful daughters and get great pleasure from seeing them grow up and enjoy life and apply the morals and principles we've instilled in them. 

These types of celebrations are just things that people do because everyone else does. Why show any gratitude on one day of the year? Love and respect should be shown all year around. The family unit is very precious and although parents are not perfect they need to give their children the love they deserve. 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I think many people have baggage these days. Your father although an alcoholic is still your father. It's a shame that the bottle has taken first place in his life.

sounds to me as though he has reaped what he has sown. Whatever you do regarding the card remember I won't be getting one and never have had 

[Guest]

On 06/06/2017 at 09:11, Dollymarie said:

So as non footy has been so helpful and genuine in the past when people have needed advice, I thought I'd have a go myself.

For those of you that don't know, my "dad" (I use that term in the loosest sense) is an abusive alcoholic, he has been since my teens. As a result of this my mum has finally divorced him, and they have now led separate lives for a few years. 

I have a brilliant relationship with the rest of my family, and after over a years worth of counselling a few years back, I have come to terms with the lifestyle and decisions my dad has made, and I'm ok with it. He doesn't see he has a problem, has done nothing to address his drinking, and as a result of all this I have very little to do with him.

My sort of dilemma is this, I haven't now seen my dad for I don't know how long (a few months at least despite him living locally) and haven't spoken to him for 2 months via text message either. I'm honestly happy having as little to do with him as possible (I used to have to when he lived with mum) but it's Father's Day in less than 2 weeks. I dread it every year because I refuse to buy him one of those nice cards about how great he is - because he's not. I usually end up spending ages in the card section before picking the most bland card I can, and sending him that, along with a Boots voucher. (can't buy anything alcohol related in Boots) This year, I'm thinking about not even bothering with anything. He has no proper place in my life, if he died tomorrow I honestly wouldn't care, and I don't see why I should go along with the "happy Father's Day" bullshit, when he's no sort of father at all. 

I'd like people's opinions on this, I'm happy to expand on anything I've said if that would help, but would others agree, given the information above, that not sending him anything for Fathers Day would be ok? 

So many issues rolled into one: family, blood is thicker than water, loyalty, he's your dad etc.

In cases like this, you have to do what is best for you and your family.

He is an adult.

If you really matter to him, he will make the changes required because ultimately he's the only one who can. If he shows signs of making the necessary changes, I'd say there is no reason why you can't provide encouragement. If he shows no sign of making those changes, make it clear to him that he's on his own and shouldn't contact you or your family until such times as he demonstrates he's having a go at sorting himself out.

Good luck.

[Dollymarie]

Just as an update. I've decided I'm not bothering doing anything on Sunday. Father's Day drags all sorts of emotions up for me, so I've had a crappy few days. Bottom line is though, I've made the right decision for me. I don't see why I should keep up the facade any more. If there's fallout then I'll deal with that and tell him why. 

Thank you everyone for your words of advice, I have read them all. I just need to do what's best for me, and I hope me not bothering with Sunday sends him a message. Somehow though I doubt it'll be the one I'd like him to hear.