whitey_03 Posted August 20, 2004 Report Share Posted August 20, 2004 My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" I ask. "No thanks I've got one 'ere." I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel. A man walks into his doctor's office. "I have five penises" "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove." A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says "I'm not serving you two!" "Why?" asked the brain. "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to start something" Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own vimto. A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears" Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police say he topped himself. Sorry. What do you call a gay dinosaur??? Mega-sore-ar$e What do you call a dog with no legs and metal balls?? Sparky What do you call a Pakistani prostitute with no legs??? Dragon Lips What do you call an Asian lesbian??? Minge-eater ** Please not I do not wish to offend any people with the last two jokes, but they are funny. Any more??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheresaGreen Posted August 27, 2004 Report Share Posted August 27, 2004 A nun walks onto a empty bus and says the bus driver,"can you do me a favout please?" and the bus driver replied "what?" the nun said" can u have sex with me because i want to know what it feels like" and the driver said "ok" the nun said "thanks but there has to be 2 rules, "it has to be anal cos i want 2 die a virgin and the other rule is that u cant be married cos i dont want 2 commit adultery. "ok" said the driver After they had done it the bus driver said, "i have a confession to make I'm married with 2 kids" And the nun said,"i have a confession to make aswell, my names kevin and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Neilio Posted August 28, 2004 Report Share Posted August 28, 2004 There was three Arakniaphobias and each one went to an Araknialogagist to sort out their phobias. The Araknialogagist suggested that they all spend three days in a room full of spiders and once the three days have passed to come and see him and tell him a fact about spiders. The three Arakniaphobias thought that it would be easy enough to find a fact about spiders if they were with them for 3 days but all agreed there would be no sleeping as they would all be so petrified of the spiders aroun them. So the three days passed and the first Arakniaphobia stubbles into the office where the Araknialogagist was sat there twiddling his thumbs. "You look dreadfull" said the Araknialogagist " I havn't had no sleep but I have realised that spiders have 8 legs" replied the Arakniaphobia "Well done, off you go then and call the second one into my office" said the Araknialogagist So the second Arakniaphoiba stumbles into the office ... "You look dreadfull" said the Araknialogagist " I havn't had no sleep but I have realised that spiders are black" replied the Arakniaphobia "Well done, off you go then and call the third one into my office" said the Araknialogagist So the third Arakniaphobia comes flying into the office , singing a little song to himself. " You look great " said the Araknialogagist " Well iv cured my fear, you were right the three days cured me " " I'm very pleased to see , so what is your fact..." said the Araknialogagist The thrid arakiniaphobia took out this spider which he took from the room and put it onto the table, "watch this" he said to the Araknialogagist, "Spider move forward" said the man. Well this spider bloody moves forward. "Spider move backwards" said the man. Well this spider bloody moves backwardsThe Araknialogagist was utterely stunned never seen anything like this before in all his years studying spiders. "thats amazing but it still isnt a fact..." said the Araknialogagist "No, it isnt , but whath this" said the man. He picked up the spider and pulled off everyone of its legs one by one and put it back down onto the table . "Spider move forward" said the man. The spider just sits there "Spider move backwards" said the man. The spider just sits there "But it still isnt a fact..." said the Araknialogagist " Yes it is, when you pull every leg off a spider it becomes deaf..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest monkinbluedude Posted August 28, 2004 Report Share Posted August 28, 2004 the 1 below is cass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest monkinbluedude Posted August 28, 2004 Report Share Posted August 28, 2004 a burglar walked into a house and picked up the t.v wen a voice said jesus is watchng you so he put the t.v down after half an hour he tried again and a voice says jesus is watching you he shone his torch around and saw a parrot he went over to it and said did you say that the parrot said yes so the burglar says wats your name parrot so the parrot says moses so the burglar says what kind of people call a parrot moses the parrot replies the same kind of people that call a doberman jesus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Man In Black Posted August 30, 2004 Report Share Posted August 30, 2004 A nun walks onto a empty bus and says the bus driver,"can you do me a favout please?" and the bus driver replied "what?" the nun said" can u have sex with me because i want to know what it feels like" and the driver said "ok" the nun said "thanks but there has to be 2 rules, "it has to be anal cos i want 2 die a virgin and the other rule is that u cant be married cos i dont want 2 commit adultery. "ok" said the driver After they had done it the bus driver said, "i have a confession to make I'm married with 2 kids" And the nun said,"i have a confession to make aswell, my names kevin and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party." ← At the risk of being really boring - well actually, tough, I'm going to be You cannot actually commit adultery by having anal sex So if you're going to cheat on your missus, do that and she can't have you for adultery, just for a breakdown on the marriage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheresaGreen Posted September 1, 2004 Report Share Posted September 1, 2004 yeh very true even though i put "u cant be married cos i dont wanna commit adultery" you read it wrong mate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Man In Black Posted September 1, 2004 Report Share Posted September 1, 2004 yeh very true even though i put "u cant be married cos i dont wanna commit adultery" you read it wrong mate ← But that was my point - even if he was married the *ahem* 'act' they performed wouldn't have been adultery Can't believe I'm arguing this on an amusement forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheresaGreen Posted September 2, 2004 Report Share Posted September 2, 2004 but it would have been adultery the bible clearly states..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Man In Black Posted September 2, 2004 Report Share Posted September 2, 2004 but it would have been adultery the bible clearly states..... ← Hmm... methinks the bible just probably says something like it's wrong Quote?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheresaGreen Posted September 3, 2004 Report Share Posted September 3, 2004 your gettin to competative 4 my liking now so i'll think ill stop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DukeCoxer Posted September 8, 2004 Report Share Posted September 8, 2004 Piece of string walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a pint of guiness. The barman replies, "Sorry but I'm not going to serve you." Astonihed the Piece of string replies and asks why not? "Because u r a piece of string." The Poor little piece of string walks out side ties himself inside out and ruffles his hair. Then he walks back inside the bar, "Pint of Guiness please pal." "Aren't you the piece of string who just came in?" "No I'm a frayed knot." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Batman Posted September 8, 2004 Report Share Posted September 8, 2004 Quasimodo walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey Barman replies "Bells alright" Quasimodo says "Mind your own business" Man and his dog walk into the vets, the dog is suffering from fleas and the man wants the vet to prescribe the dog with some form of medication. The man greets the vet and the vet asks to examine the dog. The vet picks up the dog and examines him once over,then the vet says "i'm going to have to put him down", the man replies, "what because of fleas", "no", says the vet "because he's damn heavy". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitey_03 Posted September 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2004 Q. What do you call a dog with no legs and metal balls?? A. Sparky Q. What do you call a dog with no tongue?? A. Smelly bolloxs Q. What do you call a deaf dog?? A. Anything you want he wont ######ing hear you Two British men on death row in America, and they have been read the last rights, the executioner tells them they have can have one thing before they are executed. The first man says, " Before I die, I would love to hear a Spice Girls song ". The executioner agrees, but before he does he asks the other man what his request was, and the second man says " If you are playing a Spice Girls song for him, make sure you kill me first " Q. If theres 10 cows in a field, which ones nearest Iraq? A. Cow-Eight Q. What do you call a man with paper pants?? A. Russell Q. What do you call a man with an award on his head?? A. Oscar Q. What do you call an Irish man doing this A. Eamon Q. What do you call a Cardiff fan on the moon?? A. Problem Q. What do you call 10 Cardiff fans on the moon?? A. Bigger Problem Q. What do you call all the Cardiff fans on in the world on the moon?? A. Problem Solved Ill get my coat ok, my taxis there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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