northsomersetred

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. 

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. 


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful 
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. 

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely 
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.. 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets 
together but there was no more cuddling. 

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another 
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. 

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... 
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. 

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

How To Shower Like a Woman 

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. 

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to 
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. 

Get in the shower. 

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. 

Shave armpits and legs. 

Turn off shower. 

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. 

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. 

Get out of shower. 

Dry with towel the size of a small country. 

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 


How To Shower Like a Man 

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 

Walk naked to the bathroom. 

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. 

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. 

Get in the shower. 

Wash your face. 

Wash your armpits. 

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. 

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. 

Wash your hair. 

Make a Shampoo Mohican. 

Wee. 

Rinse off and get out of shower. 

Partially dry off. 

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. 

Admire willy size in mirror again. 

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 

Throw wet towel on bed.

What do you think? i think he may have done it

Someone i know has posted this on FB can anyone confirm it, as i don't have sky

WOW: Sky TV has ****ed up MASSIVELY on the boxing. You can watch the Fury and Klitschko fight for free on channel 872. Get It!!!!!

the only thing Fury is likely to knock out tonight his himself

https://youtu.be/wdFP-R_LYSM

10 minutes ago, Hartcliffe red said:

Any live streams? Without making an account?

http://firstrows.org/boxing/wladimir-klitschko-vs-tyson-fury-frs122017?l=1838449551

Now THAT was a very interesting lunch break.
Sat in the cafe in sainsburys and an impossibly beautiful young Asian woman in a slinky little white dress was sat a couple of tables over from me. When she saw me looking at her I just thought "don't get an erection, don't get an erection.."
But she did.

A pair of American, Siamese twins who are joined at the hip, go to the bar and order a couple of Pints. The barman ask's them have you been on hoiliday yet? "we are going next week" one of them replies, "we are going to England" 
Is that because of the Culture, the Queen, the scenery and the Music scene? asked the Barman. 

"No, it's the only chance he gets to Drive"

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. 

After being in the coma for six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 

The doctor replies, Ma'am you had twins...... a boy and a girl. 

The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them. 

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother........ He's a clueless moron! 

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name? " 

"Denise ," says the doctor . 

The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother...... I like Denise. Then she asks, 
"What's the boy' name?"........ 



... Denephew

Gareth Gates had to cancel his planned comeback concert in Chester tonight. 

He got in a taxi to go to the gig but unfortunately he ended up in Chichester

Whorefield benefits office 



A woman walks into the Whorefield benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 

'OK, and who's next?' 

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.' 

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' 

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' 

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 


'I call them by their surnames!'

Dai is at the car boot sale when an American tourist comes by. Pointing to a skull on display in Dai's car, he says: “Whose skull is that?”

“That,” says Dai profoundly, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr. It's yours for £10.”

“Incredible,” says the American. “I'll take it.”

Some weeks later, Dai is at the car boot sale when the same American walks past and notices a much smaller skull for sale.

“Whose skull it that?” asks the American.

“That,” says Dai in a practised voice, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr.”

“Hang on,” says the American. “You sold me the skull of Owain Glyndwr a few weeks ago.”

“Aye,” says Dai. “This is when he was a boy.”

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. 
They walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' 

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. 

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. 

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. 

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dislooks like a grand place.' 

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. 

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says; 'Bugga dat. Dis budgie jumping is too bloody dangerous for me!' 

WAIT, THERE'S MORE... 



Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. 

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. 
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. 

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. 

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. 

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' 


WAIT, IT IS NOT OVER YET... 


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. 

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. 

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. 

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 

'Bugga dat, lads. 
First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping. 
den Seamus parrotshooting..... 
and now Sean and his bloody hengliding.'

Dear Technical Support, 

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, >which 
I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently 
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and 
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. 

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other 
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. 

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware 
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and 
left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several 
weeks. 

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same 
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they 
caused severe damage to my hardware. 

I eventually upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0, only to discover that this product 
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use 
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeRumpyPlus and 
Cleanhouse2005. 

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very 
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored 
in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. 

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. 

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, 
without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products 
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. 

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring 
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be 
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 
93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. 

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which 
can't be turned off. 

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be 
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before 
uninstalling itself. 

Help requested please

Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship.

Paddy says, 'It's awfully quiet on deck tonight'

Murphy says ' Everyone will be watching the band'

Paddy says 'There is't a band playing tonight'

So Murphy say 'I definately heard someone say 'A band on ship''

BREAKING NEWS : Suspect in Paris almost got away with stealing hundreds of high profile paintings from the Louvre. After planning the crime and getting past security, he was finally captured just 2 streets away ... his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he mastermind such a daring crime and make such an obvious error, he replied ...

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!!!"