Ska Junkie

They can't possibly keep up this level of entertainment, can they? http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/33175820

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.'Good morning, he said, "I've come to...""Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." 'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" Gasped Mrs. Smith. "In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" Asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" Said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?" "It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long." Mrs. Smith fainted.

Don't forget the crap they gave us for having part of an entrance road in Somerset at the proposed Ashton Vale. 'You're leaving the City' and 'Somerset City F.C'. Funny how they've forgotten that and we were only having part of a road outside the boundaries!

I know Kingswood Polak from years ago, he's a really good bloke. He' well known by most of us living in and around BS15. I haven't seen him for years but he was a decent fella and I see no reason why that would have changed. I understand he has a long standing health issue and I wish him well.

To be fair, the lad was ok, his pissed up dad was hilarious! The son does a blog as the 'Proper Bristolian' or 'BristolRoversFan' and I've asked him for his unbiased views on City which he's said he will do. I hope he gets his old man out of the pub before he does it! Go to 2:05.

I'm glad we aren't resorting to 'much bigger than them' stuff as I reckon that holds us back. During the 80's and 90's when we were in the same division, comparisons were obvious but we need to compare ourselves with different clubs to move forward. Yes, I enjoy it when they get beat and lapped it up when they dropped out of the league but being the 'biggest in Bristol' isn't going to get us where we want to get to. I am totally indifferent to the sags nowadays as it's so long since we played them that it doesn't really register anymore, they're just a club that a few mates support and good for a wind up but I do not want any comparison made from our part as, I think, that is part of our problem. We take the piss, as do they, but we've moved on.

I liked this one... Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married."If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened.“ The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the Asda either," says the boyfriend.

It's career day in Ashton Vale Primary school where each student has to talk about their dad. Little Timmy is up last and the teacher calls him to the front of the class."My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar, he takes off his clothes for money and if they pay him enough, he will even do extra's" The teacher, shocked, pulls little Timmy outside and asks him if this is really true about his dad?!Timmy says "No Miss but i was too embarrassed to say he played for Bristol Rovers"

I bet Gloucester City have sold more than that!

Jealousy is not a good trait is it PSR? What a ridiculous statement by Gloucester City. By all means aim for where FGR have reached but 'best in the West'? Laughable statement.

I assume the stadium they are trying to deliver will be a big one (30K+) for the 'best club in the South West'? No, it's 4,000. Erm.

Beyonce has just discovered that Roy Castle was really her father.Can't see her taking his surname somehow....

No new jokes today but someone just shared this classic TV programme on FB. For those of us old enough to remember this, how funny was Al Bundy? For the young 'uns, this is classic!

A while back I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring handcuffs, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night, Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

Windass gave it the 'do you know who I am' in Chasers and got a slap, fact. Gas friends were there and saw it. He also gave it the 'cave man' outside and took a bit of a kicking. Yes, it was the night that he was guest speaker at a crappy r**ers event in the old Kingswood legion. In a 2 club City, you don't shout your mouth off, end of. The guy's a tool, period!

Even more ridiculous that SL would go into a commoners car park. He would have used the chopper or the Lear jet.

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."

Not PC but made me smile... Today, Californians set a new record by getting 67 people on a surfboard at the same time. It smashed the previous record set by 51 Ethiopians on a Ryvita.

That's a good opening day fixture for them to be fair. I would imagine they would take a fair few.

man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her along with a £10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.