BigTone

A friend of mine has just realised his life long ambition to be mown down by a speeding steam locomotive. He was chuffed to bits.

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of This house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kinds of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only Son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Vincenzo, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to Plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging Up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I Know you would dig the garden for me. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Papa, I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's Where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up The entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the Old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter From his son. Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do Under the circumstances.

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ..........but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin". "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went". It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there,took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"? "Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sitting' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again".

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day! The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day! She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, " Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f##k or drown."

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

Two men playing golf as they did every Friday As they approached the 6th tee they noticed 2 ladies playing up ahead they seemed to be taking ages ,so Peter said "as the ladies are playing so slow I will go down and tell them we are going to play through" When he got to within 50 metres he turned round and rushed back to the tee. His friend John asked "why didnt you tell the ladies we were going to play through " Peter said that when he got close he noticed that 1 of the women was his Wife and the other was his Girlfriend so he came back before he was recognised. John realising the situation could be a bit tricky offered to go and speak to the ladies instead. He to got within 50 metres of the ladies and came running back also Upon his return to the tee he turned to Peter and said "Small world world isnt it

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina".....

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. Doc advises: "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should Have lost at least 5 pounds." When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by Jesuz, I t'aut I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" the doctor said, "No, from f*ckin' skippin'" the Irishman said..

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical examination. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however." "Oh, what is that, Doctor?" "Well, you have no nipples". "None of the people in my tribe have nipples" she replied. "That is amazing," said the doctor, "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind. She said, "OK." "First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?" She answered, "Approximately 500." "And what is the name of your tribe?" Running Doe replied, "We're called "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned on him, "What the ###### do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!!!

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." So they met and it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in a romantic motel. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back. The guy with the box said, "I'll have another Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back. The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air. He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off." The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers." Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?" "By spitting," said the leprechaun.

In the pub last night a guy offered me a 42 inch plasma telly for £50. I asked him what was wrong with it when he was selling it so cheaply. he said the volume control was stuck on max. I couldn't turn that down.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 y ears, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch Since you got here."

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the first man. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again" The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex." "2" said the second man "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed. Everything has been SO incredible. "You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Plymouth and I worked both sides of the harbour".

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable looking policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?" The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was. The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again!"... "You fancy comin' along?"