BigTone

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back. The guy with the box said, "I'll have another Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back. The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air. He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off." The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers." Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?" "By spitting," said the leprechaun.

In the pub last night a guy offered me a 42 inch plasma telly for £50. I asked him what was wrong with it when he was selling it so cheaply. he said the volume control was stuck on max. I couldn't turn that down.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 y ears, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch Since you got here."

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant. "How do we enter?" asked the first man. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again" The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex." "2" said the second man "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again." As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed. Everything has been SO incredible. "You know," he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other." He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Plymouth and I worked both sides of the harbour".

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable looking policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news." "Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?" The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was. The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again!"... "You fancy comin' along?"

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Freddie. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Freddie says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Freddie replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

The Judge asked the prostitute "So when did you realize you were raped?" Prostitute replied wiping her tears, "When the cheque bounced!!!!"

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. "Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks. She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings." Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. "What's this?" she asks her husband. "Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

Old Mr. Horowitz was sent to a nursing home by his family to live out his remaining years. Every evening at dinnertime, a crazy old woman ran into his room, pulled up her skirt and shrieked "SUPERPUSSY!!!" Old Mr. Horowitz quietly tolerated the old woman's mad behavior for weeks until one evening she scurried into his room, pulled up her skirt, cackling "SUPERPUSSY", and with a sigh he replied, "all right, all right, I'll have the soup!!"

Nelson Mandella is sitting at home reading his newspaper when there is a knock at the door A little Chinese guy is standing there with a clipboard shouting "you sign you sign " and behind him is a truck load of brake pads - Nelson says sorry man wrong address and closes the door . Next day theres another knock to the door and there stands the same Chinese guy shouting "you sign you sign " and behind him is a lorry load of new tyres - Nelson says look man you have the wrong address again and slams the door . Following day another knock at the door and the Chinese guy shouting "you sign now you sign now " and a lorry full of car parts behind him - Nelson freaks out and throws him and the clipboard down the steps shouting wrong address I don't want any car parts now get lost !!! and the little Chinese guy look up at him and says.... You no nissan main dealer ?

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

A couple decide they have to tighten up their belts. She says, "You're spending £16 a week on 24 cans of beer, that has to stop". A week later he says, "Hang on your spending £28 a week on make up". She says, "Yes, but that's to make me look lovely and attractive". He says, "That's what the beer was for !! "

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor... "S**t" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him,"What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow paddock. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom." Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!' "I don't remember much after that ..."

An elderly couple went out to a very fancy restaurant for an evening of fine dining. During the meal, the wife started to laugh and giggle. She leaned over to her husband's ear and whispered, "My dear, I just let out a silent fart. Should I do anything?" He replied, "Yes. Get a new battery for your hearing aid."

Crashers welcome, Tim

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital. "How are you, Grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care ofyou." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.. and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout. The Judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!" "I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"