BigTone

At dawn the telephone rings: "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died. "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Senor,that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod" "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor" "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire" "What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!! "Yes Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod." So " WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!" "Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver." SILENCE...... LOOOONG SILENCE... "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. ''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.'' ''That must have hurt,'' said the judge. ''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

Sorry, lost internet connection after big storm. Reconnected today: There once was a Red Indian whose given name was Onestone'. So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said,'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die. What is the moral of this story????? You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

Miss Jones english lesson in her Primary school class was going extremely well. Now children I want you to make up a sentence using the word "DEFINITELY" Little Tom put his hand up and said "Miss I am definitely going to be a millionaire when I grow up" Thats not quite right said the Teacher as anything can happen betwee now and then. Little Mary was next "I'm definitely going to have fish and chip for my tea." Maybe said the teacher but the fish shop may be closed. Then she was amazed to see that little Johnny had his hand up as he was the terror of the class Yes Johnny she asked "Miss, does a fart have lumps in it?" Of course not said teacher why do you ask? "Then I have definitely sh*t myself" replied Johnny

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop & explained his situation. The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!" The husband said "The what"? The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!" The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!" The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to the box. The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, bu t it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..." The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap .. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. " Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more! tugs,then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath." "That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." "What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes. Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's willy off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the willy smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey." The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.. "Sure had a big d###, didn't it?"

A Blonde was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." The Blonde: "Ok." Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?" The Blonde: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, ''Who is this?'' ''This is the maid,'' answers the woman. ''We don't have a maid,'' says the man. The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.'' The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?'' The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.'' The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?'' The maid says, ''What will I have to do?'' The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.'' The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?'' The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.'' Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.'' A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed. One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it." The other man said, "What''s the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friend replies, "A Carnation?" "No. No. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?" "No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns." His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, yes that''s it," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what''s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed,"she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

A blind man walked into a pub swinging a dog around above his head by its tail. The barman asked if he could be of any help. "No, thanks" said the blind man, "I'm just having a look round"

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays: a.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air, attach bells to their ankles and dance around like nancy-boys before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world. b.. The Scotland team will chant 'You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads. c.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room. d.. With regret, unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following strong representations from the RSPCA and the Lamb Marketing Board..

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Tony Blair today announced that he is changing our emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of ######s, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.