BigTone

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He's at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy. The next day, the man returns. MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he? MAN: He's at home! CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. The next day the man returns. CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack? MAN: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

Gordon Brown is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm." Brown is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, he moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Now seriously troubled, Brown turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?" "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, " Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother he's a flippin' clueless idiot". Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor," well, whats my daughter's name?" "Denise" says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, "Wow, that's a really beautiful name, "I guess I was wrong about my brother",she thought...."I really like Denise " Then she asks, " Whats the boy's name?" The doctor replies " Denephew

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. "Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?" "Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it. "Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How did the problem work out with your "Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

An English man, Scottish man & Irish man were all working on a building site. Come lunchtime they all sat together: The english fellow said: Not a bloody ham sandwich again I hate it when me wife gives me ham sandwhiches The scottish man says: Look 'ere i've got bloody haggis in mine I can't stand it. I'm sure the old bat does it on purpose The Irish man says: Oh not cheese, I don't like cheese The next day after a bad morning the 3 men sit together once more: The Englishman after seeing that he has got ham again gets depressed and jumps of the tower they were working on, the Scottishman and Irishman both do the same thing after seeing the contents of their sandwiches. At the funerals the wives of the three men talk to each other: I don't understand said the english mans wife: he loved ham I don't know how this could of happened he loved haggis, said the scottish mans wife The irish mans wife said: I'm absolutley baffled, he made his own sandwiches.

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman were captured while fighting in Iraq. The leader of their captors said: "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish." The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards." The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the Emerald Isle, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the Land of my Fathers, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir." The Englishman said: "I'd like to be shot first..."

In his early days as Prime Minister, Tony Blair started jogging near his home at Chequers. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the corner of the lane. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back. This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five Pounds!" One day, his wife Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a jolly good explanation. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,Tony became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled .......... ............ ........... "See what a fiver gets you!!!"

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The Homosexual looked at the Chain Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

Well done Pet

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

A mortician was working late one night He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said t o his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

Will be off line for a day or so due to nasty Surgeon tomorrow, back asap. A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.... Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you." Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Girl: [starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

Went to the Doctors the other day for my annual checkup. Was in the treatment room and the Nurse said "you need to stop wanking". Taken aback I asked "why?" She said "Because I'm trying to examine you"

A little old lady went out on a date after meeting a lovely old gentleman in their retirement village. A lovely dinner led to coffee at his place, which led to the usual. Afterwards, lying in bed, the old gentleman thought to himself "Wow, if I'd known she was a virgin I would have taken it easier with her!" The little old lady lay there thinking "Wow, if I'd known he could get it up at his age, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm going to go back to that field of carrots," says one. "I'm going to go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second. "I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth." he says. "Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"

Teacher asks the class can anyone give her a sentence using the word contagious? A little girl pipes up " My brother has measles and mummy says they are contagious. Very good says teacher anyone else? Alittle boy puts his hand up and says" My granpa says that there is a bug going round and its very contagious. Excellent says the teacher anyone else? Little Seamus puts his hand up and says My next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2" brush and my dad says that it will take that contagious.

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

A cop is patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer Magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 18, sir." The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 16 in 11minutes.