BigTone

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Jihnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!"

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar , he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said. 'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her P arty Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar, it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel., Sadly 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper . He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!! Glasgow cop says," License, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet." So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet." So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet." The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot." So the scientist cut off his last leg. "He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!" So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there." Joe looks up at Moe from his deathbed, "Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe, Moe." "Who is it?" asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe -- it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," Joe says, "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday."

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." "Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day when, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, "Oh, this is the latest American technology in cellular phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?" They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones, a chip in my ear and a chip in my tooth and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah. The wonders of German superior know-how!" At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper shoved with a toilet roll up his rear end. "What on earth are you doing?" asks the American. The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax."

Gwynfor pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Hugh where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Gwynfor recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Hugh. "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..."

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?" "Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York , kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton sitting next to her. "You see that woman standing over there with her hand on the Bible, who is becoming President of the United States ?" Senator Clinton whispers back, "Yes, I do." Says Mom proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

A blonde leaves a note for the milkman and when he finds it he rings the bell. "You've asked for 100 pints of milk. Are you sure you want all that - maybe you meant 10?" he aks. "Yes" says the blonde, "I am quite sure". "What are you going to do with all that milk?" he asks. "I'm going to take a bath in it to make myself more beautiful", replies the blonde. "Well, if you're quite sure - and you know it will be expensive?" The blonde says that she is sure and it will be fine. "Do you want it pasteurised?" asks the milkman, finally. "No", replies the blonde, "just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face with my hands."

An old man goes to the doctor's and the receptionist asks him, loudly, "What seems to be the matter?" "I've got something wrong with my d###", he replies. The receptionist says "You shouldn't say things like that in front of a room full of people - look how embarrassed everyone is now". He looks round and, sure enough, the other people in the waiting room are looking a bit uncomfortable. So he says"But you asked me what was wrong! What did you want me to say?" You should have said something like "There's something wrong with my ear" and then explained to the doctor when you saw him, said the receptionist. The old man leaves and comes back five minutes later. "Hello again, what seems to be the matter?" says the receptionist. "There's something wrong with my ear", says the man. The receptionist has a smug smile on her face at this. "What is wrong with your ear?" she asks. "I can't piss out of it", he replies.

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea. "Just watch me and follow my lead," he said. He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here." The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?" The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar." "But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said. "Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever." The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar. "But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy. The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?" The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Walt , the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300." "My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled, " Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

Scraping the barrel, I know DC

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old China, I wants you make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want. After all, you're the boss". But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!" screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "..... Yep, that's right. Well..... Sort of right.......This time. I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?" Queries Noah. "Yep, fish ... Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Yup". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?" "Uh huh". And you want it full of Carp?" "Indeedy" "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether... ."Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the beer. They've got no money to get a taxi, and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside a bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick, "get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home, and I'll stay out here and look out for the police." Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes, while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door, and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried. "What in all hell are you doing, Mick, get a move on!" To which Mick replies,"I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy," Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You ***** idiot, Mick. Steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"