BigTone

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway." "You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch." The bloke perks up at this. "So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has" says the bloke. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. .. . "We're having a new kitchen."

Three lads in a lap dancing club were watching a buxom blonde gyrating on the pole. The lad from Nottingham stuck £20 on her left buttock. Not to be out done the lad from Derby stuck £30 on her right buttock. The Scottish lad swiped his visa down the crack of her a*se and took the £50 cash back

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day. In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.... On his first day there; he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the Sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.... Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day!!

Gay Ray goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.' Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do? Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..' Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?' Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your a**e is for.

A priest checks into a hotel and says to the receptionist 'I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled'. She replies 'No sir, it's just ordinary porn, you sick bastard'.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Oprah Winfrey goes to Dr. Phil and confides in him: 'I just can't seem to keep my weight down,' she sobs. 'I've tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Hollywood, Atkins, and a thousand other diets and none of them have lasting results. I've even tried hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & coffee enemas and still no success. Can you help me?' Dr. Phil says: 'I think I can help you, but first there's something I need to check out. Take off all of your clothes and get down on your hands and knees.' Having tried all other remedies and not wanting to show her lack of faith in the Doc, she obeys, strips down to her B'day suit and plops down on the floor. 'Now crawl over by the fireplace and hold that position for 5 minutes.' says the Doc. He stares at her from many different angles and then finally says, 'Okay, Get Dressed and come back tomorrow.' The next day, Oprah comes back and Dr Phil gives her the same instructions, but this time he has her crawl over by the Christmas tree and hold the position for 5 minutes. 'Again he walks around the room looking at her from all angles and rubbing his chin in deep thought. After 5 minutes he has her get dressed and tells her to come back the following day. This goes on for three more days and Oprah has stripped and crawled by the French doors, the throw rug, the desk and she's getting pretty steamed about now. She finally gets dressed and says: 'Look Doc, I've tried lots of crazy stuff in my life to lose weight, but how is crawling around naked on your floor going to help me lose weight'? Dr. Phil rubs his chin and says: 'Oh it won't, but I'm buying an overstuffed black leather sofa for my office and I wanted to see where it would look best.'

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town,your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.' Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'

On the occasion of my friend's 58th birthday, he got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, my friend drove to the reservation, handed the ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what to expect. The old man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say, "1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." My friend was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say, "1-2-3-4," he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." My friend was eager to see if it worked. He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

A man comes home from work to find his wife has packed her bags and is leaving him. "I'm going to Australia to work as a prostitute" she announces, "I can get $500 a time doing what I do with you for free" The man starts to pack his bags too. "What are you doing?" she asks "I'm coming with you" he says -" I want to see you try to live on $1,000 a year"

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the hospital to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan. 'What are you doing?' he asks. 'I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,' she replied. Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, 'I don't remember asking her to cook my sock...'

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job, and what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. 'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license,' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop. The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'Governor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. 'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.' 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, 'Honey, you were right!' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.' 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'

A beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign on the box says: "Oral Sex" Frogs! Only £20 each! Money Back Guarantee (Comes with complete instructions). The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully. " The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do. [1] Take a shower. [2] Splash on some nice smelling perfume. [3] Slip into a very sexy nightie. [4] Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there". She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Two brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them. After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer." Magically, the ocean turns to beer. Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together." The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.