BigTone

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks. Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them. When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "**** off!" So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat". The Barman was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?". The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish". "What did you wish for?" said the Barman. "I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ''Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.'' The interviewer was amazed. He said, ''I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?'' ''We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

Yesterday, A man accidentally ate a bowl of Brillo pads which he'd mistaken for Shredded Wheat. The news from the hospital is good, they expect him to scrape through.

As men age we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees. Nowadays the medical profession seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists, etc., and in my case a new Urologist for me. My family Doctor just recently referred me to a "just out of medical school" female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous, as well as unbelievably sexy.. She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The employer (wife) was put out about this and decided to take her to task about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.' Wife: 'What?...Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' Wife: (shocked and furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.' Wife: 'So what sort of money are we talking about?'

A man checked into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call. 'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?' She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake. Both are in intensive care... one has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning" He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."

A woman asked her husband, "would you like a fried breakfast or some cereal?" "Thanks" he replies, "but I'm not hungry right now, it's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite". Lunchtime arrives and she asks if he'd like a sandwich. He declines again. "It's the Viagra" he repeats, " I just don't feel hungry". Come teatime, she asks if he wants any food. "No, I'm fine" he says, "this Viagra has ruined my appetite". "Well" says his wife..... "would you mind letting me up then? I'm bloody starving"!

A man walks into a bar with a newt clinging to his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and says to the barman and makes his order ' I'll have a pint for myself and a half for m'mate, Tiny' As the barman was pulling the pint he asked 'Why do you call him Tiny' The reply was obvious 'Because he's my newt.'

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small shoe shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in.. Dey makes you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Man.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.' Oh,' said the man, 'who's clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.' 'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.' 'Where's Gordon Brown's clock?' asked the man. 'Brown's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

Never too early Michael Jackson died after tripping over a pram, doctors are not blaming it on the sunshine , not blaming it on the moonlight but are blaming it on the buggy. and Michael Jackson's death was due to a drug induced heart attack. They found class A in the kitchen, class B in the bathroom and class 4c in the bedroom!

A little boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?" His day explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo". "Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Thames near Westminster. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids, I just don't get it." "Well, said the big croc, what have you been eating ? "Politicians, same as you," replied the smaller croc. "Hmm. Well, where did you catch them?" "Down near the parking lot by Parliament." "Same here. Hmm. How did you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their tax-payer funded expensive cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of 'em and eat 'em!" "Aah, says the big crocodile, I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a politician, there's nothing left but an a******e and a brief case.

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them - they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea'. He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me'. He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zip and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

A Polish worker goes to Specsavers for an eye test. The Optician shows him a card with: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read that?" He says. The Pole says ... "Read it? I used to go to school with him"

A bloke goes to the doctors thinking he's going deaf. The doctor asks "Can you describe the symptoms?" "Yes" he says. "Homer is the fat one and Marge has the blue hair."

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long King Size." She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mum took out her latest Woman's magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."