BigTone

A bloke in a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank, armed with a shotgun. 'Open the safe!' he yells at the terrified girl at reception. ' But we are not a real bank' she stammers. ' We don't have any money. This is a sperm bank'. 'Don't argue - open the safe or I'll blow your head off!' screams the guy with the gun. The terrified woman obliges. Once she's opened the safe door the guy says, 'Take out one of the bottles and drink it' 'But it's full of spunk!' the poor girl replies. 'Don't argue! Just drink it!' says the gunman. So she prises the lid off one of the bottles and gulps it down. 'Take another one and drink that too!' demands the gunman. She does as she is told. Suddenly the man pulls off his balaclava and, to the receptionists amazement, it's her husband. 'There.' he says, 'It's not that bloody difficult, is it?'

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.' In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!' ......... Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter' . At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window. The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side. Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts. "But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams. "Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!" She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over. "What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks. "Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck". "If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

As i've not been well recently i've had to resort to taking viagra for a jump start with the missus. I took the last one without a glass of water and it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for 3 days now.

**** me am i in trouble with the missus She caught me with a copy of the Beano wrapped round my dick going hell for leather Why won't she accept it's comic relief week

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

In ancient Rome, a Christian was being pursued by a Lion. But as he ran through the streets dodging back and forth it became obvious that things were hopeless and the Lion would catch him. Clutching at straws, the hapless man turned suddenly, faced the beast and dropped to his knees. "Lord", he prayed, desperately. "Turn this Lion into a Christian" Instantly, the Lion fell to it's knees and prayed, "For what we are about to receive......"

An elderly man walks into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a really young girl for the night. The old slapper gives him a puzzled look and asks the fellow how old he is. "Why", the man says, "I'm 98 years old" "Ninety Eight!!", the madam exclaims, "Don't you realise you've had it?" "Oh", he says, "How much do I owe you then?"

Why do Australians whistle when they are having a crap? So they know which end to wipe

Paddy and Murphy are walking through the jungle by a riverbank when they spy a crocodile with a mans head protruding from its mouth. Paddy turns to Murphy and says, "Would you look at that flash **** in his Lacoste sleeping bad"

What do Americans use as contraception? Their personalities

A man is in the back of a crowded lift when he yells, "Ballroom please !" The lady in front of him turns around and says, "Sorry, I did'nt realise I was crowding you"

An old lady is walking down the High Street when she stops outside a pet shop. As she curiously studies the window, she notices a poster saying, 'Fanny-licking frog inside'. Excited by the prospect of this, the old lady ventures inside and asks the tall, dark haired gentleman behind the counter for more details of this mouth watering offer. 'Bonjour Madame', replies the shopkeeper, smiling.

A man was on holiday in Norfolk when he found he needed a new gas canister for his caravan, so he approached a local in the street and asked, "Excuse me but do you know if there's a B&Q in Norwich?" "No", replied the Bumpkin, "but there are two E's in Leeds"

There were two sperm swimming in a pink wonderland. One said to the other, "how far are we from the uterus?" The other replies, "Ages mate, we've only just passed the tonsils"

This year Stevie Wonder was given a cheese grater as a Christmas present. He said it was the most violent book he has ever read.

Man phones into work sick 'Can't come in today, feeling ill' His Boss says 'Tell you what, whenever I'm feeling sick I find giving my missus one normally does the trick, try that and let me know how you feel' 2 hours later the guy calls his Boss back 'Hi' he says 'I'll be back in tomorrow, feeling much better - by the way, you've got a nice house'

A penguin walks into a bar and says "you haven't seen my brother have you?"The barman says "Dunno, what's he look like?"

A skeleton walked up to the bar. He said "Gimme a pint of Guinness" Two minutes later he said "you haven't got a mop have you?" "That Guinness goes right through me"