BigTone

I met an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 53, we drank a bit, had a bit of a dance & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum you still awake?

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out,the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well,under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful... stick it in the camel and let's get the **** out of here!'

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems. One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair. The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?" The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please." So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair. "Are you ready?" they asked. "Yes," he said. And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell. The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?" The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please." So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair. "Are you ready?" they asked. "Yes," he said. And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell. Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight. They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?" The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please." So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair. "Are you ready?" they asked. "Yes," he said. And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?" "No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!" She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

A woman was always complaining about having small boobs until eventually her husband told her he had a great way to make them bigger. "Just rub a piece of tissue between them once or twice a day," he said. "Tthey will start to grow almost immediately and in a few years you ll have huge boobs." "Dont be so silly, dear," she replied. "Why one earth would tissue make my boobs bigger?" "I have no idea why, but it certainly worked on your arse."

Every blonde in the world gathered in Wales for a 'Blonde fair' to show the world that all blondes aren't dumb.To prove they are clever, one blonde lady went on stage and had to answer a maths question live on television. "Okay," said the manager, "you have to answer this correctly to prove you are clever. What is 5 times 5?" The blonde was worried. "Uh...58?" "No, the answer is 25." But the blonde crowd was angry and they shouted, "Give her another chance, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The manager agreed. "Okay then, what is 10 minus 3?" The blonde smiled. "4 of course!" "No, the answer is 7" The crowd again wanted her to try again. "Give her another chance, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" "Alright," said the manager, "but this is the last chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The blonde thought for a while then said, "uh...4?" The manager started to congratulate her, "Well..." but he was interrupted by the crowd that were shouting. "Give her another chance, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you A doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replies: "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, Poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims . "He's pissing in the fridge again!! "

An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom at all. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'. The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'. The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease'. The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?' What, cut your dick off !!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!' 'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies. 'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! 'You save money.

On a recent trip to North America British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, BC. He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name Walking Eagle. The proud Brown then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left. A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Brown. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father ?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Chancellor before I die", whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Darling would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Darling, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re~elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT". Darling agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Gordon's hand in his right hand and Alistair's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Gordon spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end ?" The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ." "Amen", said Gordon. "Amen", said Alistair. The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. 'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.' The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation . Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?' 'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.' 'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.' 'You can't go there,' says St. Peter, 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.' 'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that..'

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center. Claude was never invited back to entertain.

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week". The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly". "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a ****in' towel"

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day, when there's a knock at the door. Standing in Nelson's doorway is a small Japanese man, dressed in a white coat and holding a clipboard. "Two thousand front headlights?" exclaims Nelson, "I haven't ordered headlights, you must have the wrong address, now good day to you". And he shuts the door. The following morning, Nelson hears the door bell ring. He opens the door, and again there is the small Japanese chap, white coat and clipboard. "You take derivery of 124 pair rinscreen riper" Says the man. "Windscreen wipers? I haven't ordered windscreen wipers, now clear off!" and he slams the door. Saturday morning arrives and Nelson is just sitting down with his freedom coffee and the paper, when there's a knock at the door. Again, standing in the doorway is the Japanese man. Looking down at his clipboard he says "You take derivery of 600 spark prugs" "Now listen to me" screams a very irate Nelson. "I don't know what's Going on here, but let me make this perfectly clear, I HAVEN'T ORDERED ANY CAR PARTS, NOW GO AWAY!!" The bewildered Japanese man looks hard at his clipboard and then says "So you not Nissan Main Dealer?"

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am an Everton fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you an Everton fan? 'Because my mum is an Everton fan, and my dad is an Everton fan, so I'm an Everton fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be an Everton fan'. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.' 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?' And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road. A man asks "whats wrong?" The boy says "me ma is dead" "oh jaysus" the man says, "d'ya want me to get Father O'Reilly?" Wee boy says "no thanks, sex is de last thing on me mind roight now"

A man was sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him and because she's got a uniform on he concludes that she's an off-duty flight attendant. He decides to have a go at impressing her by identifying the airline she flies for. He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'. The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f#ck do you want?' 'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Ryanair".