Major Isewater Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 A very awkward customer when i was a young 'un played it the big iam in front of her husband when selecting a bed .She knew everything about beds and did n't hesitate to try and belittle me . She complained about the price when i suggested a cheaper model might be more suitable for her. Aghast she exclaimed "i've never been so insulted in my life " To which i replied " You should get out more" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Fred Roberts, Old England landlord and ex Glos cricketer, interviewed in the 1920's: Journalist: tell me, Mr Roberts, did WG ever cheat when you played with him? ...long pause... FR: Bless you no, sir. He were far to clever for that. My favourite WG story is that he was bowled very early on in an innings and he turned around placed the bails back on the wicket saying "it's windy today isn't it?" to which the umpire replied, "aye, mind it doesn't blow your hat off on the way back to the pavilion" !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downendcity Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 I believe this is a true story. At an airport check in desk the young airline girl was trying to calm a long queue of increasingly frustrated travellers. The flight was delayed and no one knew what was happening. Passengers were becoming increasingly agitated, in particular a well dressed man , some way back in the queue who made his feelings known to all about him. Eventually the man barged his way to the front of the queue and confronted the check in girl. " You have to sort a flight out for me, as I have a vitally important business meeting to attend" he demanded. The girl tried to explain that every passenger was in the same boat ( so to speak!) and that he would have to wait his turn and that she was sure the airline would do everything possible to find a solution. Not satisfied with her answer, the man bellowed into her face " Do you know who I am !". With that the girl took a breath, stood up at the check in desk and called for quite from the queue. " Ladies and gentlemen" she called out, "is there a doctor present as we need urgent medical for a passenger at the head of the queue who has suffered sudden and complete amnesia, as he has no idea who he is!" For anyone in customer service, who many times would you have loved to come up with something like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lew-T Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Think it was Merv Hughes who said to Ian Botham as he came out to bat."Hows your wife and my kids Ian?" Botham replied " wifes fine, kids are retarded" That was Rodney Marsh. Hilarious though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slartibartfast Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Fred Truman twice pinned the batsman on the back foot with successive balls, pretty much plumb LB. Each time the ump was unmoved. Third ball, out went the unfortunate batsman's middle stump cartwheeling away. "Nearly got the ****** THAT time!" shouted Fred. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PHILINFRANCE Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 I believe this is a true story. At an airport check in desk the young airline girl was trying to calm a long queue of increasingly frustrated travellers. The flight was delayed and no one knew what was happening. Passengers were becoming increasingly agitated, in particular a well dressed man , some way back in the queue who made his feelings known to all about him. Eventually the man barged his way to the front of the queue and confronted the check in girl. " You have to sort a flight out for me, as I have a vitally important business meeting to attend" he demanded. The girl tried to explain that every passenger was in the same boat ( so to speak!) and that he would have to wait his turn and that she was sure the airline would do everything possible to find a solution. Not satisfied with her answer, the man bellowed into her face " Do you know who I am !". With that the girl took a breath, stood up at the check in desk and called for quite from the queue. " Ladies and gentlemen" she called out, "is there a doctor present as we need urgent medical for a passenger at the head of the queue who has suffered sudden and complete amnesia, as he has no idea who he is!" For anyone in customer service, who many times would you have loved to come up with something like this? Indeed true. New Zealand Airways, from memory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Freddie Flintoff to Tino Best...... "Mind the windows Tino" who then got stumped next ball going for a big hit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lew-T Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Cricket sledging is class. No other sport comes close! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northern Red Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Ian Botham on arrival in Australia is asked at Immigration whether he has any criminal convictions. His reply - "I didn't know I needed any" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 Ian Botham on arrival in Australia is asked at Immigration whether he has any criminal convictions. His reply - "I didn't know I needed any" Fred Trueman - "I didn't know they were still necessary". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 Fred Trueman was ordered to let a young amateur have "one off the mark" in a friendly, which he did. Next time the lad faced him, Fred bowled an absolute Jaffa that pitched outside off and took middle and leg. "Well bowled, Fred!" "Aye, wasted on thee, lad." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murraysrightplum Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 Matt Dawson on his way back from winning rugby world cup: "I went through the metal detector at the airport in Sydney and kept setting it off. "I took my watch off and that didn't work. So I took my change out of my pocket - and that didn't work so the Aussie security guard said 'I'm going to have to frisk you'. "I said 'Oh no hang on a minute' and lifted my shirt up and showed him my medal! The air was blue for a few minutes..." Not a put down but quite a funny story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murraysrightplum Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 Another rugby one: Billy Twelvetrees used to get called '36' by his Irish team mate Geordan Murphy (twelve threes = 36), but the rest of them called him '39' because of the Irish being thick stereotype. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
One Team In Keynsham Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 I believe this is a true story. At an airport check in desk the young airline girl was trying to calm a long queue of increasingly frustrated travellers. The flight was delayed and no one knew what was happening. Passengers were becoming increasingly agitated, in particular a well dressed man , some way back in the queue who made his feelings known to all about him. Eventually the man barged his way to the front of the queue and confronted the check in girl. " You have to sort a flight out for me, as I have a vitally important business meeting to attend" he demanded. The girl tried to explain that every passenger was in the same boat ( so to speak!) and that he would have to wait his turn and that she was sure the airline would do everything possible to find a solution. Not satisfied with her answer, the man bellowed into her face " Do you know who I am !". With that the girl took a breath, stood up at the check in desk and called for quite from the queue. " Ladies and gentlemen" she called out, "is there a doctor present as we need urgent medical for a passenger at the head of the queue who has suffered sudden and complete amnesia, as he has no idea who he is!" For anyone in customer service, who many times would you have loved to come up with something like this? I believe this one is apocryphal, which is a shame since it is a belter. The extended version has the rude passenger saying "F-You" after the call out for doctor. To which the agent responds "there is a queue for that as well, sir." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surreyred Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 The two best put downs that I have actually witnessed are - Shop assistant to a very rude and demanding customer - "I was born ignorant, whats your excuse, practise" Ex army officer type entering the main doors of the A & N store in Camberley holds open the door for a female yuppie type coming the other way. Female yuppie "You only did that because i am a woman" , officer type "No madam, I did it because I am a gentleman" (Not orgional but a great bit of thinking on his feet). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abraham Romanovich Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 Heard this on the radio a few years back and always raises a smile. One of the contributors was talking about this dreadful, so-American customer service policy that Starbucks had recently introduced whereby before you order your coffee, the server has to greet you with "Good morning sir/madam, and what's your name?". The guy was saying how the British hate all this crap, especially first thing in the morning when you're queuing for your coffee, and said the reactions he'd seen to this had been typically British. He'd heard one bloke come back with "Shove it up your arse, mate", and then this classic: in response to the server's cheery "Good morning sir, what's your name?", someone further back in the queue had called out "Don't tell him, Pike"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 Not really a put down either but I heard this on Fighting Talk, I think it was Matt Lawrence who is now a writer that told it. He said that he was jogging in South Africa with Robbie Savage during the World Cup tournament and their conversation turned to playing at altitude and how it affects players. Robbie Savage said "I can imagine how hard it is for them, I mean just jogging now I can feel the lack of oxygen, what height would you say we are at?" Matt replied "Robbie, we are jogging along a beach!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Bard Posted June 3, 2014 Report Share Posted June 3, 2014 Think it was Merv Hughes who said to Ian Botham as he came out to bat."Hows your wife and my kids Ian?" Botham replied " wifes fine, kids are retarded" It was Rod Marsh (as opposed to the QPR tw*t from the 70s). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted June 4, 2014 Report Share Posted June 4, 2014 Good story, but doesn't Lake Titicaca have a beach? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Superjack Posted June 4, 2014 Report Share Posted June 4, 2014 It was Rod Marsh (as opposed to the QPR tw*t from the 70s). Haha!... brilliant. His Wiki page should just say that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PunkRockDad Posted June 5, 2014 Report Share Posted June 5, 2014 Perhaps the greatest put down in British politics - Aneurin Bevan in 1948 on the eve of the launch of the NHS: "That is why no amount of cajolery, and no attempts at ethical or social seduction, can eradicate from my heart a deep burning hatred for the Tory Party that inflicted those bitter experiences on me. So far as I am concerned they are lower than vermin. They condemned millions of first-class people to semi-starvation". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reddoc Posted June 5, 2014 Report Share Posted June 5, 2014 Perhaps the greatest put down in British politics - Aneurin Bevan in 1948 on the eve of the launch of the NHS: "That is why no amount of cajolery, and no attempts at ethical or social seduction, can eradicate from my heart a deep burning hatred for the Tory Party that inflicted those bitter experiences on me. So far as I am concerned they are lower than vermin. They condemned millions of first-class people to semi-starvation". Not very funny though is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
semblar Posted June 5, 2014 Report Share Posted June 5, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PunkRockDad Posted June 5, 2014 Report Share Posted June 5, 2014 Not very funny though is it? Perhaps not but then neither were all of the 80 other posts that came before it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calculus Posted June 5, 2014 Report Share Posted June 5, 2014 He had a reply with a long list of qualifications, ending with "and I'm in the final year of a degree in pure mathematics". We never saw the bloke again.... Pure Mathematics eh? Not surprised you were working in a supermarket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reddoc Posted June 5, 2014 Report Share Posted June 5, 2014 Perhaps not but then neither were all of the 80 other posts that came before it. Yeah but at least they tried. Don't suppose old Aneurin said it in an aussie accent did he? That might help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
where's the joy Posted June 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2014 here's one on an american golf course at newport beach we are on the 13th hole, need to chip over the lake (which has been died blue) with a seven iron my golf buddy and i are nearish to the pin and playing ok against a 2 handicapper called wayne weilgus the third ....no less and the very hairy crap player who plays off 28. wayne hits it pin high and his mate hits his first into the lake. takes a provisional and hits that into the lake. guess what he hits his third shot into the lake too. wayne turns to his hirsute mate and says....."jesus they sure ****ed up some good gorilla when they shaved you" they one the game, because we couldn't stop laughing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
semblar Posted June 6, 2014 Report Share Posted June 6, 2014 Pure Mathematics eh? Not surprised you were working in a supermarket. It paid my rent while I was studying - got cheap food too. You do what you have to when you don't have handouts from parents or the state to rely on. The student grant had just finished and the student loan's maximum value for the first couple of years paid maybe 2 months rent, so I worked to get my living expenses covered, just like many other students did/do. Long time ago now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calculus Posted June 6, 2014 Report Share Posted June 6, 2014 It paid my rent while I was studying - got cheap food too. You do what you have to when you don't have handouts from parents or the state to rely on. The student grant had just finished and the student loan's maximum value for the first couple of years paid maybe 2 months rent, so I worked to get my living expenses covered, just like many other students did/do. Long time ago now Only kidding, just a fellow mathematician's joke. Did a bit more Applied Maths than Pure in my degree and I can honestly say that I haven't actually used any of it in real life, A supermarket sounds like a good job to me - I managed to work in an egg packing plant and then the year after in the mixing room of a biscuit factory. I think my high point was mixing 700 lbs of ginger biscuit dough, unfortunately sans ginger. Hey ho! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted June 6, 2014 Admin Report Share Posted June 6, 2014 Not sure how many people have seen this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Are-You-Fat-TalkSPORT/dp/0857200925 but it is full of classic "put downs". Would probably appeal more if you are a cricket fan, but not essential to enjoy this book Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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