Jump to content
IGNORED

Written jokes thread


Jay

Recommended Posts

 
 
 
 
A group of guys, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons Pub in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big tits and wore mini-skirts.
 
 
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons Pub in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. 
 
 
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons Pub in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
 
 
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons Pub in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
 
 
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons Pub in Uxbridge because they'd never been there before.
  • Like 1
  • Haha 4
  • Flames 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was in the chemist yesterday and the elderly gentlemen in front of me at the till asked the young assistant for some help with deodorant.

She asked him if he wanted the roll-on-ball-type, after a moment he responded, ‘no thank you, it’s for under my arms.’

 

  • Haha 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Red DNA said:

Went out for a meal the other day with my mate who is an electrician - typically he went straight for the mains…⚡⚡

Did he finish it off with a current bun?

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Admin

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, Hi Jim, how are you? The wife asks, How does he know you? Jim says, Oh dear, I play football with him.

Inside the Bartender Says, The Usual, Jim? Jim says to Wife, Before you say anything, He’s on the Darts team.

Next a stripper Says, Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?

The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…

Jim’s Funeral is on Sunday!!!

  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was in a bar in Spain recently and 3 gasheads all in costume came in and sat on the bar stools along from me. 

Wanting to strike up a conversation with some locals back home, I said to the nearest one. "Hi, would you like to hear a Bristol Rovers joke?" He replied "Before you tell it, I should warn you that my mate and I are here to take part in the European Karate Championships, and the guy on the end is an Amateur Boxing champion. Do you still want to tell the joke?"

I said "No, on 2nd thoughts, I don't want to have to explain it 3 times", then walked swiftly from the bar.

 

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.


He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, and proceeded to ask in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'


He responded: 'I found the remote.'...😂

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Saint Peter is sitting at his desk near the Pearly Gates in Heaven when a dirty white Ford Transit pickup stops at the entrance.

Inside are three, equally dirty looking travellers. He looks at them with distaste and asks “What do you want?”

“We’ve just been killed in a road crash and we want to come in.”

Peter replies “We don’t really want any of your sort up here.”

“Well, hang on. This is the Kingdom of Heaven; you can’t refuse anyone if they’ve repented their sins.”

Peter says “OK. Wait here a minute, whilst I go and ask the management.”

He goes off to find the Almighty.

Peter finds God sitting on his throne, and tells him what has occurred.

“Go back and tell them all are welcome, let them in.” says God.

“Oh, very well then” says Peter, not very enthusiastically.

Five minutes later, Peter returns.

“They’ve gone.”

“What, the travellers?”

“No, the gates…..”

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...