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Jay

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Port Said Red

Port Said Red

Posted
Posted

My wife said to me she was having logging in to one of her accounts. I said "I'll try it, maybe you are typing it wrong, what's the password?" She said it's "ironmansupermanantmancatwomanhulkmrdarcybridgetjoneswolverinecopenhagen"

I said "that's ridiculous why did you make it so difficult?" She said "the password format said it had to be 8 characters and a capital" 🙄

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BigTone

BigTone

Posted
Posted
An old lady of 80 was happily knitting when a mouse shot up her skirt and disappeared.
She screamed and her hubby came running, she told him to call the doctor and ask him what they should do.
The doctor thought for a moment then told the husband to wave a piece of cheese in front of her fanny to see if he could entice the mouse out.
After a while doctor thought he had better pay them a visit and see if he could assist.
When he arrived he found the poor husband waving a kipper in front of the entrance.
“I thought I told you wave a piece of cheese at the entrance not a kipper" said the doctor.
To which the hubby replied, " I know you told me to wave a bit of cheese but I've got to get the ******* cat out first.
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BigTone

BigTone

Posted
Posted
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says,
"Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood Yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so Just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, She asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with
her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners
and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
The National Grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky" the man screamed, "******* LUCKY..... I've got Yellow 24 !! "
"**** me," says the bingo caller.
"You've won the raffle as well."
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BigTone

BigTone

Posted
Posted
Jack, Ted and Bob are down the pub after a few beers the 6.3% ale takes hold and they start slurring about sex and the noise their missus makes during the act.
Jack said, last night we were at it, so passionate, she was moaning and groaning, screaming and shouting, it was a brilliant night.
Oh me too said Ted, three times in different bedrooms, she was screaming and moaning, shouting and groaning in ecstasy it was fantastic.
They turned to look at Bob what about you ?
Well we did it and it was ok, what’s all this shouting and groaning, screaming and moaning stuff ?
What, are you saying she doesn’t ?
No, not at all
Well, no wonder you’re not enjoying it then, she needs to open up a bit.
Ok, I’ll tell her….so Bob goes home and tells his missus that when they are making love and
about to orgasm she needs to start shouting, moaning, screaming and groaning. Ok she says, but you tell me when.
So Bob and his missus are spreading rose petals round the room, popping the champers, she pops on the sexy lingerie and off they go, sensual passionate touching, careful caressing, kissy kissy long time.
After a ‘long time’ Bob feels himself about to explode and shouts NOW NOW NOW !, his missus says, ‘what a ####ing shit day I’ve had, washing, bloody ironing, dusting………
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BigTone

BigTone

Posted
Posted
A man went to confession at St. Patrick's church. "Father, it's been one month since my last confession. I went out and made love to Fannie Green two times last month."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's"
Soon another man comes to confess. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been making love to Fannie Green twice a day for the last two months."
This time the priest asked "who is Fannie Green?"
A new woman in the neighbourhood." The sinner said.
"Ok" Said the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At mass the next morning as the priest prepared to deliver his sermon, a tall voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead woman entered the sanctuary.
Every man in the church turned to stare at her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short. She wore matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and the alter boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs slightly apart, but just enough to see she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered "is that Fannie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but he managed to blurt out
"No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes?!?"
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BigTone

BigTone

Posted
Posted
The staff at a local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least £500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Robbored

Robbored

Posted
Posted

Two priests go on holiday and decided not to wear their priest outfits in an effort to remain anonymous. They take regular clothes, T shirts, shorts, flip flops. Swimming trunks and shades and head to the beach.

There they grab a couple of loungers and stretch out to soak up the rays and enjoy the seascape.

Not long after a beautiful topless woman walked by and said “ good morning fathers” as she passed by. Stunned that their disguise hadn’t work they bought two Hawaiian shirts and returned the beach the next day.

Then….. the same gorgeous topless woman walked by again “good morning fathers”

Amazed one priest said “we are trying to be anonymous, how did you know that we are priests?”

She smiled and said “its me, Sister Katherine”………

 

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PHILINFRANCE

PHILINFRANCE

Posted
Posted

I saw this earlier on a thread about local expressions:

Bristols are an example of rhyming slang. Bristol is famous for its seagull pies - hence the term ‘Bristol Pies - eyes’.

It’s traditional if you walk into an English pub to compliment the barmaid. Usually with “Hello Love. Nice Bristols! Any chance of a pint”.

I hope this helps.

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BigTone

BigTone

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, PHILINFRANCE said:

I saw this earlier on a thread about local expressions:

Bristols are an example of rhyming slang. Bristol is famous for its seagull pies - hence the term ‘Bristol Pies - eyes’.

It’s traditional if you walk into an English pub to compliment the barmaid. Usually with “Hello Love. Nice Bristols! Any chance of a pint”.

I hope this helps.

Helps in getting a smack in the mouth

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Robbored

Robbored

Posted
Posted

Two Catholic priests go on holiday but didn’t want anyone else to know that they were priests so they left all their cassocks and priest gear at home and flew out to St Tropez and set up on two loungers enjoying the sun and seascape.

That afternoon a stunning topless woman walked by ‘good afternoon fathers” she said as she walked by.

Bewildered and confused they decided to guy some different clothes and set up the next day in Hawaiian shirts The same woman walked by “morning fathers” she said and carried on by.

Even more confused they bought some budgie smugglers, covered themselves in sunscreen and set up again in the same spot.

Then……..the same stunning topless woman came by “morning fathers”. One of the priests finally asked her how she knew they were priests “it’s me, she said “Sister Katherine”…….………:rofl2br:

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phantom

phantom

Posted
  • Admin
Posted
On 29/12/2023 at 18:28, Robbored said:

Two priests go on holiday and decided not to wear their priest outfits in an effort to remain anonymous. They take regular clothes, T shirts, shorts, flip flops. Swimming trunks and shades and head to the beach.

There they grab a couple of loungers and stretch out to soak up the rays and enjoy the seascape.

Not long after a beautiful topless woman walked by and said “ good morning fathers” as she passed by. Stunned that their disguise hadn’t work they bought two Hawaiian shirts and returned the beach the next day.

Then….. the same gorgeous topless woman walked by again “good morning fathers”

Amazed one priest said “we are trying to be anonymous, how did you know that we are priests?”

She smiled and said “its me, Sister Katherine”………

 

Have you got amnesia? 

2 hours ago, Robbored said:

Two Catholic priests go on holiday but didn’t want anyone else to know that they were priests so they left all their cassocks and priest gear at home and flew out to St Tropez and set up on two loungers enjoying the sun and seascape.

That afternoon a stunning topless woman walked by ‘good afternoon fathers” she said as she walked by.

Bewildered and confused they decided to guy some different clothes and set up the next day in Hawaiian shirts The same woman walked by “morning fathers” she said and carried on by.

Even more confused they bought some budgie smugglers, covered themselves in sunscreen and set up again in the same spot.

Then……..the same stunning topless woman came by “morning fathers”. One of the priests finally asked her how she knew they were priests “it’s me, she said “Sister Katherine”…….………:rofl2br:

 

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BigTone

BigTone

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 12/01/2024 at 22:01, Robbored said:

Obviously I have…………:facepalm:

Here's one especially for you Robbo:

 

Two Catholic priests go on holiday but didn’t want anyone else to know that they were priests so they left all their cassocks and priest gear at home and flew out to St Tropez and set up on two loungers enjoying the sun and seascape.

That afternoon a stunning topless woman walked by ‘good afternoon fathers” she said as she walked by.

Bewildered and confused they decided to guy some different clothes and set up the next day in Hawaiian shirts The same woman walked by “morning fathers” she said and carried on by.

Even more confused they bought some budgie smugglers, covered themselves in sunscreen and set up again in the same spot.

Then……..the same stunning topless woman came by “morning fathers”. One of the priests finally asked her how she knew they were priests “it’s me, she said “Sister Catherine”…….………:rofl2br:

Edited by BigTone
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PHILINFRANCE

PHILINFRANCE

Posted
Posted (edited)

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied,

"I didn't say she was mentally insane,

I said that she's F****** Goofy!"

main-qimg-214043ef65f835a13567d9b70e8f32ab
Edited by PHILINFRANCE
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Maltshoveller

Maltshoveller

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, PHILINFRANCE said:

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied,

"I didn't say she was mentally insane,

I said that she's F****** Goofy!"

main-qimg-214043ef65f835a13567d9b70e8f32ab

I remember the joke as

I did not say she was sha###g Pluto - I said she was F#####g Goofy

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Calculus

Calculus

Posted
Posted
On 19/01/2024 at 11:18, PHILINFRANCE said:

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied,

"I didn't say she was mentally insane,

I said that she's F****** Goofy!"

main-qimg-214043ef65f835a13567d9b70e8f32ab

The version I remember"

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally divorce you from your wife Minnie simply because you say she has buck teeth".

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PHILINFRANCE

PHILINFRANCE

Posted
Posted
On 19/01/2024 at 18:23, Maltshoveller said:

I remember the joke as

I did not say she was sha###g Pluto - I said she was F#####g Goofy

 

1 hour ago, Calculus said:

The version I remember"

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally divorce you from your wife Minnie simply because you say she has buck teeth".

Well, be that as it may, I prefer my version 😉.

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Jerseybean

Jerseybean

Posted
Posted
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
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Robbored

Robbored

Posted
Posted

An elderly couple married for years were sitting in the kitchen and the man asked her “can you say something that’ll make me happy and disappointed at the same time?

After a while she replied “you’ve got a bigger dick than your brother”

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