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Jay

By Jay
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Robbored

Robbored

Posted
Posted

Two drinking buddies were chatting in the pub and one asked his buddy if he could keep the barman chatting for an hour after closing time as he was ‘shagging his wife”  

So he obliged and stayed after ‘time’ chatting and asking various question about running a bar but began to feel guilty and when the barman said that he had to go home he blurted out ‘my buddy is shagging your wife”……the barman smiled and said  “I hurry home if I were you, my divorce came through 5 years ago”……….

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Jerseybean

Jerseybean

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Posted


An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister.
She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

40EA982B-B2E1-4BF4-9617-148CB6E77B26.jpeg

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phantom

phantom

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Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.

The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas – be safe out there.......

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Robbored

Robbored

Posted
Posted (edited)

Two couples playing cards when host lady dropped a card under the table. The guests hubby Bob says that he’ll get and drops under the table to pick up the card.

When down there he glances up to see host lady slightly opening her legs and saw that she was no panties….

A bit it later when both were pouring drinks in the kitchen she said to Bob  “did you like what you saw earlier?” Bob nodded “you can have some  but it’ll cost you £50, if you come around next Thursday afternoon, my hubby will be playing golf”

Next Thursday Bob goes around, left £50 on the table and then had the most amazing sex he’d ever had.

Later her hubby comes home and says “did Bob pop over? Concerned she said “umm yeah he did” “and did he give you £50?” even more nervous she said “he did actually”

”oh good, I lent him £50 at the golf club earlier and he said he’d he’d pop over and drop it off”

Edited by Robbored
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Port Said Red

Port Said Red

Posted
Posted

A bus load of nuns crashes on a dirt rd and they are all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter asks them all to form a line to answer a couple of questions before entering heaven.

Sister Agnes is first in the queue and St Peter says, "just one question, have you ever touched a penis?" 

Agnes says, "Well there was this one occasion when changing a wounded soldiers dressing, I touched it with the tip of my little finger".

St Peter says "That's fine, just go to the font over there and dip your finger in the holy water and you can enter heaven"

Sister Jude is next and admits that she once held a penis, Peter says "that's fine, just go wash your hands before entering".

Suddenly, there is a commotion in the queue as Sister Mary is pushing her way to the front.

St Peter says "There's no rush Sister, you will get in I am sure"

Sister Mary says "I know that, but I thought if I am going to gargle with that holy water, I'd better do it before Sister Joan sticks her arse in it!"

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weepywall

weepywall

Posted
Posted

Paddy and Murphy are walking home very drunk, as they pass the bus depot Paddy says...don't worry I'll steal a bus. After 2 hours of buses moving forward and reversing Paddy arrived driving a bus. What took so long said Murphy....Paddy said...well the only bus that went near our house is the number 11 and they parked that right at the back.

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Robbored

Robbored

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Posted

Two guys who knew each by drinking in the same pub.

Late one evening one asked the other “would you do me a favour and keep the barman chatting after closing time? I’m knocking off his wife”

The other guy shrugged “sure”

The first guy got up a good 20mins before the time bell and left.

The second guy after drinking up time wandered upto the bar and starting chatting to the barman. It was all small talk but after a while he began to feel guilty….

”sorry to keep you chatting mate but the guy that lefty early is knocking off your wife”

The barman smiled and said “if I was you I’d hurry home, I’ve been divorced 7 years”

 

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