City oz Posted March 25, 2023 Report Share Posted March 25, 2023 I was wondering the other day what my mum and dad must have done without the internet and computers. I asked the same question to my 18 brothers and sisters, and they also didn't know either. 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted March 26, 2023 Report Share Posted March 26, 2023 (edited) Just been to Morrisons - some bloke in front of me bought up all the mussels, cockles, whelks and oysters - none left for me . I thought you shellfish bastard.. Edited March 26, 2023 by Red DNA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1960maaan Posted March 30, 2023 Report Share Posted March 30, 2023 my wife is insisting i hand in my notice at work as she think’s it’s cruel that we’ve started testing our new products on rabbits She has a point i suppose I work in a hammer factory 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted April 2, 2023 Report Share Posted April 2, 2023 I was chatting to a Chinese drug addict yesterday, he said have you seen my cocaine ? I said..I haven't met him but I did watch him in Zulu. 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted April 3, 2023 Report Share Posted April 3, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted April 4, 2023 Report Share Posted April 4, 2023 A girl I used to go out with was a twin, friends would ask me how I told them apart..easy really..Mary always wore pink lipstick and Steve had a beard. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted April 10, 2023 Report Share Posted April 10, 2023 I was sat on a plane for a flight to New York when a gorgeous lady got on and sat next to me, she told me she was going to a nymphomaniac conference to share her experiences..intrigued I asked her about her experiences, she said that the most well endowed men in the world are the American Red Indians, the men with the most staying power in the bedroom are the Scottish and the men who can charm any woman in to bed are the Irish. I shouldn't be telling you all this I don't even know your name she said...ah I said..I'm Tonto MacDonald but my friends call me Paddy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted April 10, 2023 Report Share Posted April 10, 2023 2 hours ago, weepywall said: I was sat on a plane for a flight to New York when a gorgeous lady got on and sat next to me, she told me she was going to a nymphomaniac conference to share her experiences..intrigued I asked her about her experiences, she said that the most well endowed men in the world are the American Red Indians, the men with the most staying power in the bedroom are the Scottish and the men who can charm any woman in to bed are the Irish. I shouldn't be telling you all this I don't even know your name she said...ah I said..I'm Tonto MacDonald but my friends call me Paddy Meanwhile, many years go....... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted April 21, 2023 Report Share Posted April 21, 2023 To the person who stole my anti-depressants -I hope you’re happy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted April 24, 2023 Report Share Posted April 24, 2023 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted May 5, 2023 Report Share Posted May 5, 2023 A mate of mine has a really bad stutter...by the time he had told us his Nanna had died we were all singing Hey Jude. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
And Its Smith Posted May 17, 2023 Report Share Posted May 17, 2023 How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted June 3, 2023 Report Share Posted June 3, 2023 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rooster Posted June 25, 2023 Report Share Posted June 25, 2023 On 03/06/2023 at 12:28, Jerseybean said: Wtf —but I’m crying with laughter thanks mate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 21, 2023 Report Share Posted July 21, 2023 Two Viking girls talking one morning, first girl says ‘I met a Norse god last night and we made love until sunset’ ‘ Thor? ‘ ‘Yeth , I can barely walk. ‘ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted July 27, 2023 Report Share Posted July 27, 2023 Phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize".. "That Fantastic!" I called out in delight. "Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Geography Question." "Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught Geography to A level students for the last 20 years" "Ok then, to win our grand prize of two VIP tickets to a Bristol Rovers match and to meet the players after the game, what is the capital of France?" "Bradford", I replied. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted August 4, 2023 Report Share Posted August 4, 2023 (edited) I got mugged last night by six dwarves. not happy Edited August 4, 2023 by Red DNA 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted August 14, 2023 Report Share Posted August 14, 2023 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
italian dave Posted August 22, 2023 Report Share Posted August 22, 2023 Ten for the price of one here….. https://news.sky.com/story/best-joke-at-edinburgh-fringe-2023-revealed-as-zookeeper-one-liner-12944903 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted August 22, 2023 Report Share Posted August 22, 2023 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted September 10, 2023 Report Share Posted September 10, 2023 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted September 12, 2023 Report Share Posted September 12, 2023 (edited) Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the Hokey Cokey, it took me 20 minutes to get out of bed this morning! Edited September 12, 2023 by Red DNA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Superjack Posted September 12, 2023 Report Share Posted September 12, 2023 A friend and I were talking about films last night, and I told him that I don't really watch many, but I do like horror films. So he asked me who my favourite vampire is. I replied, "The one off Sesame Street". He said, "He doesn't count". I said, "I can assure you that he does". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted September 28, 2023 Report Share Posted September 28, 2023 À young lad is working in a supermarket when a customer comes up to him and asks for half a lettuce. Unsure if it’s possible the lad seeks out his manager and says ‘ some prat wants to buy half a lettuce ‘ then realising that the customer has followed him and heard his every word said ‘ and this kind gentleman has offered to buy the other half ‘. Later on the manager calls the lad into his office and says . ‘ I was impressed by your diplomacy back there ,well done. To answer your question in Essex it’s quite a common request ‘. The lad laughed and said ‘ in Essex everyone’s either a footballer or a tart’. The manager looked taken aback , ‘ My wife’s from Essex’. The lad replied ‘ really ? Who does she play for?’ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antman Posted October 9, 2023 Report Share Posted October 9, 2023 There's an amazing new movie about constipation it hasn't come out yet though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted November 18, 2023 Report Share Posted November 18, 2023 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lorenzos Only Goal Posted December 5, 2023 Report Share Posted December 5, 2023 https://glasgowgpt.com/ Some light relief Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted December 10, 2023 Report Share Posted December 10, 2023 To the person who flytipped their mattress outside my house. I don't know how you sleep at night. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbored Posted December 17, 2023 Report Share Posted December 17, 2023 Bloke goes out with a new girlfriend and they pop into a pub “what can I get you” he asks “oh, I’ll just have a coke” she replies. Surprised he asks “ I can get you a lager if you like” “no thanks, she says, alcohol does funny things to my legs” “really? comes out in a rash do they?” ”no” she says “it makes them open” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 18, 2023 Report Share Posted December 18, 2023 Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent. So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other. In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this ******* hard-on I’ve got. It must be all the fresh air. I’m going over to see my wife." Bob says, "You want me to come with you?" John says, "Why the **** would I want you to come with me?" Bob says, "Because that’s my ******* dick your holding." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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