slartibartfast Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Some numpty bowling to Viv Richards (who'd played and missed a couple of times)... "It's round and red ,just hit it Viv" Next ball Viv hits it miles out the ground......"You know what it looks like ,you focking fetch it !" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Northern Red Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Another cricket one - England are playing Australia and Jimmy Ormond walks out to bat for England at No.11 on his debut. Mark Waugh: "******g hell look who it is. What are you doing here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" Ormond: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRL Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Merv Hughs come back was my favourite Here is a copy and paste of it During a test between Pakistan and Australia in 1991 Miandad tried to sledge Merv: "Merv you are a big, fat bus conductor". Only a few balls later Merv dismissed Miandad, ran past him and shouted: "Tickets please!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRL Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Some more Merv wisdom During a test match in Jamaica, Hughes continued to stare at Richards after each delivery. He never spoke a word but sure enough after every delivery there was a stare. Viv Richards: "Don't you be staring at me, man. This is my island, my culture. And in my culture we just bowl". Hughes replied with a ripper : "In my culture we just say **** off". Merv was bowling a few crackers that Smith couldn't even get an edge to. Merv: "If you turn the bat over you'll get the instructions mate". Merv Hughes was all over Gooch in one test and proceeded to say: "Would you like me to bowl a piano and see if you can play that". Hell go here http://top20cricketsledges.blogspot.co.uk/ and read the rest, Cricketing sledging is so much better to the ranty bollocks you get in football Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welcome To The Jungle Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Just all of this: Ali G: Now Scary is you comfy? Beckham what about you? David Beckham: All right. Ali G: Listen just because this is Comic Relief doesn't mean you should speak in a silly voice, right. Now where did you two meet? Victoria Beckham: We met at the football. Ali G: Beckham, was you into the Spice Girls beforehand? David Beckham: No but I was into Posh. Ali G: Had you already seen a picture of her and knocked one out? That's a yes innit? But what about that that picture of her in a catsuit and boots that come up well high. Apparently in that video if you freeze frame it you can actually see a tiny bit of camel toe. Yeah that's more like a camel hoof. It must be amazing going out with a Spice Girl but in an ideal world, and no disrespect to your bitch, in an ideal world wouldn't you rather be with Baby? So how many of the Spice Girls turned you down before you went for her. You went for Scary first what? David Beckham: No just this one. Ali G: Now does you go to watch him play football. Victoria Beckham: Yeah I do whenever I can because Brooklyn loves going to watch him so as much as we can. Ali G: Me heard that there is an insulting song that they sing about you has you heard it, what is the words? Victoria Beckham: They say Posh Spice. Ali G: That you take it up the arse. Victoria Beckham: That's right. Ali G: But that's not insulting that the biggest compliment you can pay someone. No but seriously, does you take it up the botty? Victoria Beckham: No of course I don't. Ali G: Beckham, you telling me you aint never been caught offside? David Beckham: No. Ali G: But me heard you is well good at getting round the back and swinging your balls in right? Victoria Beckham: They do say it's the way he bends it I have to say. Ali G: Respect, respect, a little bit of a different vibe from Parkinson. Now Beckham do you reckon the better the footballer you is the fitter the girl you go out with. David Beckham: Obviously. Ali G: So you is the best at football so you get Posh, so does Sporty Spice go out with someone from S****horpe United? Victoria Beckham: That's terrible. Ali G: What do you mean? Victoria Beckham: That's my friend and she is lovely. Ali G: Exactly what is you trying to say, S****horpe is not a good team? Victoria Beckham: Yes. Ali G: That's is a horrible thing to say about her. You has got a little nipper. Do you reckon you is good parents. Victoria Beckham: Yes I do think we are good parents. Ali G: So when did you teach him to roll his first spliff? Victoria Beckham: I will never teach him that. Ali G: Why not, you should never deny your kid education. So what's he called? Victoria Beckham: Brooklyn. Ali G: All right and how did you come up with that name? Victoria Beckham: Well we found out that I was pregnant when I was on tour in America and we was in Brooklyn when we found out. Ali G: So had you actually done it there? Victoria Beckham: No we didn't do it there. Ali G: Ah, for real. Victoria Beckham: We did it in Denmark if you really want to know. Ali G: How come you never called him Denmark? That would be a well good idea though what. If me and my Julie had a kid we would call him Langley village. Well his full name would be the bogs in the KFC in Langley village. So tell me does Brooklyn like your music or is he getting a bit old for it now? Victoria Beckham: He does like music he jiggs about and dances. He's also into football as well so its nice. Ali G: Respect. Victoria Beckham: A footballer with rhythm. Ali G: So tell me is your little boy starting to put whole sentences together? Victoria Beckham: He's saying little bits and pieces, yeah. Ali G: And what about Brooklyn? Victoria Beckham: That was Brooklyn. Ali G: So do you want him to grow up to be a footballer like his dad or a singer like Mariah Carey? Victoria Beckham: Well I'm hoping he will grow up to be a footballer like his dad and I'd like to grow up and be a singer like Mariah Carey. Ali G: Respect. We has got to have a break now because Posh is going to do a bit of breast feeding back stage. Just out of interest is there one going spare? Check you later. I read the entire transcript to find the video at the end. Why? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshy Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 ''The bowler's Holding; the batsman's Willey.'' ok not a put down but amusing commentary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 It was Ian Healy, the wicketkeeper who said that. I met Mr Healy once in New Zealand along with Merv Hughes, Paul Riffel & Damien Martin. Had a good laugh taking the piss out of each other. Really top bloke. Another Comfort & Coke Ian ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JammyOne Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 I read the entire transcript to find the video at the end. Why? Yeah 'bout that. I was just going to copy my favorite bit about Victoria's boy stringing words together, but then decided to copy the whole thing. I then decided it would make sense if I just post the video; but I had already invested too much in copying the transcript. I thought about removing the transcript afterwards, but then I thought about those who only have text-based browsers who may not be able to view the YouTube video... I didn't want them to miss out on the fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welcome To The Jungle Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Yeah 'bout that. I was just going to copy my favorite bit about Victoria's boy stringing words together, but then decided to copy the whole thing. I then decided it would make sense if I just post the video; but I had already invested too much in copying the transcript. I thought about removing the transcript afterwards, but then I thought about those who only have text-based browsers who may not be able to view the YouTube video... I didn't want them to miss out on the fun. Next time please inform people of the video at the end by notifying us at the beginning. Failing this I will tell my mother on you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downendcity Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Not a sporting put down, but one where it was definitely the biter bit. Jimmy Tarbuck was appearing in Blackpool and was well into his act when he spotted a couple walking down the aisle looking for their seats. Tarby shouted at the couple, " your a bit late aren't you, the show started a while ago?" The chap shouted back, "aye lad we are, and if we'd realised you were on t'bill we wouldn't have bothered coming at all!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slartibartfast Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 At the end of play ,Joel Garner was taking deserved refreshment in the members bar . Some slightly worse for wear guy sidled up to Big Bird and ask if er.....everything was ...er...in proportion? Joel just laughed and said "no, no man, if it was, I'd be Eight foot Eleven" ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Bill Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Post match from Ron Atkinson: "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to start with that prat". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
downendcity Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 In the House of Commons, Dennis Skinner once commented that " 1/2 of those on the benches opposite are crooks" The speaker demanded that he withdraw the comment. So Skinner then said " 1/2 of those in the benches opposite are not crooks". Genius! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippycar Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surreyred Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 From the greatest put down artist of all time Groucho Marx - I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. i married your mother because i wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this was't it. Marry me, and i'll never look at another horse. Now there's a man with an open mind, you can feel the breeze from here. She got her looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon You have the brain of a four year old, i bet he was clad to get rid of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slartibartfast Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 From the greatest put down artist of all time Groucho Marx - I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. i married your mother because i wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this was't it. Marry me, and i'll never look at another horse. Now there's a man with an open mind, you can feel the breeze from here. She got her looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon You have the brain of a four year old, i bet he was clad to get rid of it. I could dance with you till the cows come home....better still, I could dance with the cows till YOU come home ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 G B Shaw to Chirchill. Here are two tickets for the opening night of my play. Bring a friend, if you have one. Churchill to Shaw. Cannot make first night. Will come to second, if there is one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mahatma Coate Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 "We'll see you both outside" EE to blue few, 5th August 1978. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portred Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 Female politician to Churchill 'if I were arrived to you, I'd poison your tea' Churchill replied 'if I were married to you, I'd drink it!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portred Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 *married, sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reddevon Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 At Glen Hoddle's testimonial dinner at Tottenham I was sat next to speaker Tommy Docherty. When a girl asked him if he wanted to buy some raffle tickets he said " no thanks , I never win anything". He was not impressed when I said "i've heard that said about you"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephenkibby. Posted June 1, 2014 Report Share Posted June 1, 2014 not so much a put down but a knock down. about 17 started playing mens football ex pro I was marking said {come near me again son and ill break both your legs!} our keeper {old head} said don't worry about him lad. a few minutes later they had a corner,ball came over keepers ball he shouted and ex pro was carried of the pitch k.od sadly said keeper was banded for life the next season for laying out a ref!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myol'man Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Ray Parlour to Eileen Drewery, Glenn Hoddle's 'mystic' healer, when she placed her hands upon his head to feel his positive energy force; "Short back and sides please" Parlour never played for England again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zyderiup Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 The most scathing put-down without a doubt is.... '82er' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zider'ed Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 An interviewer asked Peter Crouch "so what would you be if you was not a footballer" to which he replied "a virgin". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ooRya Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 My old man said "be a rovers fan" I said.................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marmite Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Think it was Merv Hughes who said to Ian Botham as he came out to bat."Hows your wife and my kids Ian?" Botham replied " wifes fine, kids are retarded" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BS4 on Tour... Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 The Australian spinner Stuart MacGill was once bowling to the legendary Marcus Trescothick who played and missed a couple of times without moving his feet. MacGill said 'Blimey, Marcus, have you got lead in your boots or are you just pleased to see me?!' That was funny enough but Tresco apparently came straight back with 'Hey Stuart, you're not fit to lace Shane Warne's drinks...' Classic! You can't beat cricket sledging! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted June 2, 2014 Report Share Posted June 2, 2014 Fred Roberts, Old England landlord and ex Glos cricketer, interviewed in the 1920's: Journalist: tell me, Mr Roberts, did WG ever cheat when you played with him? ...long pause... FR: Bless you no, sir. He were far to clever for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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