... Posted August 11, 2017 Report Share Posted August 11, 2017 9 minutes ago, phantom said: This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny! Great post, Phantom - very funny AND intelligent. Keep 'em comin'. tfj 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2017 Report Share Posted August 11, 2017 Oh Dear, the forum Knob (aka Taxi for Johnson) has decided to dislike all posts on this thread. His medication needs changing very soon the poor pet. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted August 11, 2017 Report Share Posted August 11, 2017 1 hour ago, BigTone said: Oh Dear, the forum Knob (aka Taxi for Johnson) has decided to dislike all posts on this thread. His medication needs changing very soon the poor pet. Careful - that's a personal attack - you don't want to get banned. tfj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2017 Report Share Posted August 11, 2017 Just now, Taxi for Johnson said: Careful - that's a personal attack - you don't want to get banned. tfj Go back under your rock Knobby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted August 12, 2017 Report Share Posted August 12, 2017 13 hours ago, BigTone said: Go back under your rock Knobby Thank you for alluding to myself as a crustacean, in addition to the male appendage. However, I take this as an attempt at humour. I respond with the olive branch which I will place here ................. in the hope and trust you have it within you to grasp this peace offering. Thank you BigTone. tfj 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted August 12, 2017 Admin Report Share Posted August 12, 2017 Well said TFJ, time to move on now 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antman Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 i wasn't that close to my dad when he died.... which was good, 'cos he stepped on a landmine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 30, 2017 Report Share Posted August 30, 2017 21 minutes ago, Antman said: i wasn't that close to my dad when he died.... which was good, 'cos he stepped on a landmine. That's a shame as he sounds like he would have been a blast Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
handsofclay Posted September 2, 2017 Report Share Posted September 2, 2017 What do the initials DNA stand for? The National Dyslexic Association. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ska Junkie Posted September 7, 2017 Report Share Posted September 7, 2017 An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a £1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and £1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do"? At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you shag her again." 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ska Junkie Posted September 8, 2017 Report Share Posted September 8, 2017 The Story of ArthurA small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!! 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful...... When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died! The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!! Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a ******' doctor? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbored Posted September 17, 2017 Report Share Posted September 17, 2017 (edited) error! Edited September 17, 2017 by Robbored Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbored Posted September 17, 2017 Report Share Posted September 17, 2017 (edited) 4 hours ago, Robbored said: error! It was a joke already in this thread! I didn't notice until I'd typed it out................ Having heard it after a bowls match ( the captains sometimes tell a joke ) I didn't expect to see on here so I edited it. It was the one about the Italian virgin. Edited September 17, 2017 by Robbored Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Cat Posted September 21, 2017 Report Share Posted September 21, 2017 Courtesy of my hero ...Spike Milligan Jumbo Jet 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reddevon Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 Little Tommy is playing in the garden when he squashes a butterfly. Seeing him his father gives him a good telling off and informs Tommy he will have no butter for a week! A few days later Tommy squashes a honey - bee and his angry father again seeing him tells him he will get no honey for a month! Whilst in the kitchen later Mum stamps on a Cock- roach . Tommy smiles at Father and says " will you tell her or should I"! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted September 29, 2017 Report Share Posted September 29, 2017 Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon......I’ll let you know. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted October 11, 2017 Report Share Posted October 11, 2017 Angus goes down to England to go to university. A week later his mother rings him and asks how he`s getting on. `Och mammy it`s terrible, the students here are all mad` he says `What do you mean son` she replies `Well` he says `my room mate just bangs his head against the wall all the time and the fella next door shouts and curses all night` `How do you cope with that?` Mum says. `It`s easy` says Angus `I just sit quietly practising my bagpipes` Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ska Junkie Posted October 13, 2017 Report Share Posted October 13, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted October 17, 2017 Report Share Posted October 17, 2017 A couple going through hard times financially when one night Tracey comes home looking disheveled. " Where the hell have you been ? " , demands her husband. " Don't be angry Pet , we need the money so I went on to the street with the other girls " " How could you lower yourself ? " " Oh , it was alright and I earned £105 " " £ 105 ? , who gave you £5 ? " " They all did ". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted October 20, 2017 Admin Report Share Posted October 20, 2017 A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you " "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 pounds an hour" "Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky" "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.." The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that? "Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazyInWeston Posted October 21, 2017 Report Share Posted October 21, 2017 I quit my job at the Helium gas factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone! 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ska Junkie Posted November 3, 2017 Report Share Posted November 3, 2017 (edited) A woman, pregnant with triplets, was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot 3 times in the stomach. The Doctor, said it was too risky to operate and chose to leave the bullets in. 16 years later one of the girl triplets went crying to her mum. She asked what was wrong. The girl said: "I was peeing and a bullet came out." So her mum told her what happened 16 years earlier. The nextday the same thing happened with the other girl triplet. So her mum told her the same story about the bank robbery. The day after, the boy triplet goes crying to his mum. "Let me guess" she says, "You were peeing and a bullet came out?!" "No..." Replied the boy "I was having a wnak and shot the dog." Edited November 3, 2017 by Ska Junkie 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazyInWeston Posted November 8, 2017 Report Share Posted November 8, 2017 I once farted in a lift, oh it was wrong on so many levels! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted November 8, 2017 Admin Report Share Posted November 8, 2017 A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he noticed another man crouching by a headstone "Morning" he said The other man replied "No, I'm just having a shit" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazyInWeston Posted November 12, 2017 Report Share Posted November 12, 2017 I once got hit by a camera.... I still have flashbacks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbored Posted November 16, 2017 Report Share Posted November 16, 2017 This is an actual tweet from Chicago - I thought a vasectomy would stop my wife getting pregnant but all it did was change the colour of the baby.............. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted November 17, 2017 Admin Report Share Posted November 17, 2017 Did you know that if you were 8 when "Red, Red wine" was released UB40 now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PHILINFRANCE Posted November 17, 2017 Report Share Posted November 17, 2017 5 hours ago, phantom said: Did you know that if you were 8 when "Red, Red wine" was released UB40 now Sorry for being a pedant, but U'd be 50 actually - it was an old Neil Diamond song back in the 1960s Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe jordans teeth Posted November 17, 2017 Report Share Posted November 17, 2017 (edited) They must be having a laugh to charge £170 to see David Icke speak,I wouldn't even pay that to see Stephen Hawking suddenly standing up and belting out Nessun dorma Edited November 17, 2017 by joe jordans teeth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Rocker Posted November 18, 2017 Report Share Posted November 18, 2017 I had a dream that I was weightless. I was like "0mg!" 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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