BigTone Posted September 6, 2016 Report Share Posted September 6, 2016 Sadly, I have to report that the man who invented anagrams has passed away. May he "erect a penis". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted September 7, 2016 Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 My computer thrashed me at Chess but was no match for me at Kick Boxing . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted September 7, 2016 Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 I wish to announce my retirement as an archaeologist , my career was in ruins . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted September 7, 2016 Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 If you lend someone a tenner and never see them again it was money well spent . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted September 7, 2016 Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 I saw a woman smoking with her baby in the car and it made me feel disgusted with the world we live in. Who lets a woman drive? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted September 12, 2016 Report Share Posted September 12, 2016 “He was my favorite Marx Brother. Terrific guy” said Donald Trump when asked about Aleppo… 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 The Lone Ranger comes across Tonto lying on the ground with his ear to the soil , " What are doing down there Tonts me old mucker ? " " A red and green stage coach pulled by four chestnut geldings has just passed by " " Blige , and you can tell all that by listening to the ground ? " " No , the bastard just ran me over " 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BS4 on Tour... Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 Someone threw some Omega 3 pills at me, luckily my injuries were only super fish oil..... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BS4 on Tour... Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 My favourite time on a clock face? 6.30 hands down... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ska Junkie Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 Gone quiet on here.. LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
And Its Smith Posted October 9, 2016 Report Share Posted October 9, 2016 Man:Sorry, my son spilled the water Waiter: No problem, I'll get you a new one Man: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BS4 on Tour... Posted October 15, 2016 Report Share Posted October 15, 2016 A shepherd said to me 'I've got 26 sheep can you help me round them up?' I said 'sure, let's call it's 30'..... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted October 21, 2016 Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 A Roman soldier is teleported into our modern world but in the process is injured and ends up in A&E where they put in a line to hook up a IV. He asks what's that for...? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 26, 2016 Report Share Posted October 26, 2016 I won my first cage fight last night. The budgie never knew what hit it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 26, 2016 Report Share Posted October 26, 2016 EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60! Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted November 3, 2016 Report Share Posted November 3, 2016 A hole has appeared on the M4 , Police are looking into it . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reddoh Posted November 3, 2016 Report Share Posted November 3, 2016 On 14/06/2016 at 07:54, BigTone said: I’ve just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know … did either turn up? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted November 21, 2016 Report Share Posted November 21, 2016 The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.” A time traveller walks into a bar. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted November 21, 2016 Report Share Posted November 21, 2016 (edited) I just saw an advert in a shop window for sale 4K TV, two months old, great condition, manufacturers warranty. Small problem which means the volume is stuck at maximum and can't be adjusted. Only £1 I thought, I can't turn that down Edited November 21, 2016 by williamsredngrey 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 23, 2016 Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 On 03/11/2016 at 20:41, reddoh said: did either turn up? Still waiting 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 23, 2016 Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 23, 2016 Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 23, 2016 Report Share Posted November 23, 2016 An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?" Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?". "You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 A gang of Hell's Angels take over a transport cafe and start to pick on a guy sat on his own. One thug sticks a finger in his fried egg , Another spits in his tea . Without saying a word the lorry driver gets up and walks out . The waitress arrives to cheers from the mob and asked what happened to the other man . " He is n't much of a man " laughs one Hells Angel . " He is n't much of a driver either , he's just reversed over your bikes " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 Did you know Captain Kirk had three ears ? A right ear , a left ear and a final front ear . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 My wife said to me `Would you please stop constantly singing Oasis songs` I said maybe.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking but then I saw her face........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 A lorry is travelling along the M4 shedding it`s load of snooker equipment as it goes. Apparently there are cues for miles. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reddoh Posted November 24, 2016 Report Share Posted November 24, 2016 On 03/11/2016 at 18:07, Major Isewater said: A hole has appeared on the M4 , Police are looking into it . apparently not if they are from the met Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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