Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Major Isewater]

The happy day arrives as the young Prince is born . Perfect in every way except he has no ears .

The Royal couple are a bit sensitive about his malformation and the day that the young Heir to the throne is présented to the court all the dignitarys are warned not to speak of the baby's imperfection .

The Prime minister is the first up , on peering into the cot he exclaims 

' Your Majesties must take great care of his legs '

' His legs  ? ' 

' Why yes , he will be a great athlete , I'm sure ' 

The parade of nobles , continues ,

' You must take care of his hands '

' His hands ? '

' Why of course , he will be à great artist ' 

All goes well until the near the end of the présentation when the Archbishop declares ,

' You must take care of his eyes ' 

' His eyes ? '

' Yes , he 'll never be able to wear glasses ' ...

[Major Isewater]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

[Major Isewater]

I'm pretty sure that my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer .

I saw it through my télescope .

[Major Isewater]

For months I prayed to God for a motorbike . It did n't happen so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.

[BigTone]

I’ve spent years developing a better batter for fried bananas.

I guess I’ve just frittered my life away.

[BigTone]

What do we want?

A cure for Tourettes!

When do we want it?

Big tits!

[BigTone]

My granny started walking 5 miles every day when she was 60.

Today she turned 100 and we’ve no idea where she is.

[BigTone]

Dolly asked why I put an empty milk bottle in the fridge.

I said “In case someone wants a black coffee.”

[Major Isewater]

My psychoanalyst says i have a ' preoccupation with revenge '

we'll see about that .

[Major Isewater]

A bank is a business that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it .

[Major Isewater]

My transvestite window cleaner is a lazy dresser I saw him this morning with a stocking in his ladder.

[BigTone]

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos!
Unfortunately he’s had a lot of trouble with squatters!

[BigTone]

The latest club craze is to fill a woman’s vagina with vodka and then
suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of
minge drinking

[BigTone]

I’ve just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a
bit slow but **** me pass the parcel was fast!

[BigTone]

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to
Murphy
that’s the best **** I’ve ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

[BigTone]

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

If you’re over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN………….

NOW SCROLL UP..

That’s enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of wine.

[BigTone]

Last night, Dolly and I were sitting in the living room.

I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She’s such a bitch…..

[Major Isewater]

My wife says Sex is better on holiday , that post card ruined my day .

[Major Isewater]

He said ' I'm going to chop thé bottom of your trouser legs off and hide them in the library .

I thought ' That's à turn up for the books '

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day , I could n't find any .

Tommy Cooper

[Major Isewater]

I Heard a rumour that Cadbury's are bringing out an oriental chocolate bar , it could just be a Chinese Wispa .

[Major Isewater]

You can't lose a homing pigeon . If it does n't come back it's just a pigeon.

[BigTone]

A woman weightlifter goes to the doc’s:

“I’ve been taking steroids, & now I’ve grown a cock”

“Anabolic” asks the Doctor

“No just a cock!”

[BigTone]

Three lads in a lap dancing club were watching a buxom blonde gyrating on the pole.

The lad from Notts stuck £20 on her left buttock.

Not to be out done the lad from Derby stuck £30 on her right buttock.

The Scottish lad swiped his visa down the crack of her arse and took the
£50 cash back

[BigTone]

Viagra’ is now available in powder form for your tea or coffee.

It doesn’t enhance your sexual performance, but

it does stop your biscuit from going soft.

[BigTone]

Two young men from Glasgow, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub

discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding .

‘Ach, it’s all going like magic,’ says Jock. ‘I’ve got everything

organized already – the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception,

the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…..’

Archie nods approvingly.

‘Man, I’ve even bought masell a kilt to get married in’ continues Jock.

‘A kilt?’ exclaims Archie, ‘That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart, to

be sure. And what’s tha tartan

‘Och,’ says Jock, ‘I’d imagine she’ll be in white.’

[joe jordans teeth]

England lost to Iceland 

[joe jordans teeth]

I went to the doctors with a lump on my head and the doctor said its penisitusus and you will have a foot long cock coming out of your forehead and we can't remove it because it's roots are around your brain,I said I haven't surely got to walk around looking at a cock on my forehead for the rest of my life. No he said the bollocks will cover your eyes .                                            Jethro 

[BigTone]

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’

Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, “Nope, not yet, Bubbles.”

So they rowed a little farther…. Again Bubbles asked Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough NOW?

Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface.

Gasping for breath she said, ‘OK, it’s finally deep enough.
Hand me the shovel.

[BigTone]

A cross-section survey of 1000 typical people in the UK , made up of:

Afghans,· Pakistanis,· Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis,

Algerians, Angolans, Ghanaians, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks,

Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and Liverpudlians,

were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to the Euro.

99% said NO, they were happy with the Giro