northsomersetred Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northsomersetred Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 "Shortly, I'll be revealing the first rule of 'Suspense Club' ...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Just found out the guy who stole my journal has died.... My thoughts are with his family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Mum always used to tell us to rinse our food before eating it...... ....lovely woman, terrible sandwiches. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 My wife's cooking is *incredible.... ....*with a silent ' cr ' . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 I studied theology at university.... God knows why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 I was at a village fete at the weekend and there were a load of blokes in baggy shirts dancing and hitting each other with bunches of flowers. Apparently they were Morrissey dancers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 'Hello, my names Dave and I'm addicted to baby powder' Talcoholics Anonymous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 The more Osbourne talks of 'fiscal rectitude' - the more I think of 'rectal fistitude'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 Cinemas are putting on special dyslexic screenings of James Bond's latest film... RESPECT! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 My dog only responds to commands in Spanish ... ..he's Espanyol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 Smoking will kill you.. Bacon will kill you.. Smoking Bacon will cure it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 My wife's going to hit the f'ing roof tomorrow.... ...when her parachute fails! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? .... A shoe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 So sorry to hear of your wifes fatal boat accident in Venice... My gondolences . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 Gotta hate the Chinese for staying in their own country.... ....and still stealing our jobs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 BREAKING NEWS : Bad drivers to be fined £100. (Hmm, seems a bit sexist) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martin25 Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 You're the man Tone! I had fun with your jokes. They made my day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 5 hours ago, martin25 said: You're the man Tone! I had fun with your jokes. They made my day! Sweet talker !! “Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pirate Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 Priest in local village, was invited by one of his flock to dine at a local inn. Both decided to have steak. The priest was asked by his companion how he would like it cooked. Rare was the answer. Two bloody steaks please chimed the companion to which the priest was shocked. This is how you order the priest was informed. Week later, the pope was visiting. Priest suggested the same place and both ordered rare steaks. Two bloody steaks please said the priest. The pope replied yea and plenty of ******* chips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 Paddy and Murphy are in the pub and Paddy says` Seamus took me out for a trip in his two seater open cockpit plane last week and we flew upside down`. `****` says Murphy, `did you not fall out?`. `No` says Paddy, `sure we`ve been mates for years`. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martin25 Posted February 26, 2016 Report Share Posted February 26, 2016 19 hours ago, BigTone said: Sweet talker !! “Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.” :laugh:! He's DEFINITELY drunk!. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 6, 2016 Report Share Posted March 6, 2016 "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Esmond Million's Bung Posted March 13, 2016 Report Share Posted March 13, 2016 A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm Sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to Know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slack Bladder Posted March 20, 2016 Report Share Posted March 20, 2016 I was making love to this really sexy woman on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. "that's my husband" she exclaimed " Quick try the back door" Looking back on it, I should have made a run for it, but you really don't get offers like that everyday, do you 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slack Bladder Posted March 24, 2016 Report Share Posted March 24, 2016 A lad goes to Ibiza for a week and texts his friend back home " Mate, the weather out here is just like your mum, 38 and hot" To which the mate replies " Well, back here is just like your sister, 18 and soaking wet" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 26, 2016 Report Share Posted March 26, 2016 Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 26, 2016 Report Share Posted March 26, 2016 A blonde approaches a stranger and asks what time it is. The stranger says, "11:45." The blonde says, "Really? That's so weird. Every time I ask that question, I get a different answer." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted March 29, 2016 Report Share Posted March 29, 2016 I watched a movie yesterday about the Battle of the Atlantic called U-571. I didn`t enjoy it much but I`ve never really been a fan of films with sub titles. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.