Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

If you love something, set it free. 

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. 

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. 

If, however, it just sits in your living room, 

messes up your stuff, 

eats your food, 

uses your telephone, 

takes your money, and 

never appears to have noticed that 

you actually set it free in the first place, 

You either married it or gave birth to it!

[BigTone]

  Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp."What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well,"says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[BigTone]

  An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the States." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the States." The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do," he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the French."

[BigTone]

 President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
 

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

 

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

 

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

 

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

 

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big boobs.

 

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?

 

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

[I am the mole]

Tony the Tiger, the honey monster and snap, krackle and pop have all been found murdered! Police believe it's the work of a cereal killer!

[phantom]

These people need "stupid" signs!

Number One Idiot:

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to 
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

 

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Number Two Idiot:

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that 
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

 Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Number Three Idiot

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag". While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America  and crossed the street to the 
Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America 
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.  Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.  He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

 

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Number Four Idiot:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.  Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.  He immediately mailed in his $40.

 

Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Number Five Idiot:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21". The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

 

This guy definitely needs a sign

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Idiot Number Six:

 A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!".  When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

 This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Idiot Number Seven: 

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the 
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.  The whole event was caught on videotape.

 Yep, here's your sign. 

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Idiot Number Eight:

 I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local Township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore".

[BigTone]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chopper and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 

[BigTone]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

[phantom]

TWO OLD  MEN FEEL THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND  DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A  FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL  THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND  WHISPERS TO HER

MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO  BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF  MY GIRLS ON THEM.

THEY WON'T KNOW THE  DIFFERENCE.'

THE  MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE

CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. 

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN  SAYS,YOU  KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?'  SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.

HIS  FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A  WITCH.' 'A WITCH  ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY  THAT?'

'WELL, I  WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK,  AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!

[phantom]

A man goes into an upmarket restaurant consults the menu and orders Aylesbury Duck. The chef had run out of these so sends out an ordinary duck instead. The customer picks the duck up, looks at its backside and says to the waiter, "This is not an Aylesbury Duck. Take it back!" The chef rearranges it on the plate pours on some more gravy and sends the plate back. The customer picks the duck up, looks at its backside and says to the waiter, "This is not an Aylesbury Duck. Take it back!" This happens several times. The chef finally concedes defeat, goes to the Cash and Carry, buys an Aylesbury Duck and sends it out to the aforementioned customer who once again looks at the ducks backside. When he has finished his meal he says to the waiter, "It took time to get there,  but in the end it was an excellent dinner. Ask the chef to come out. I would like to congratulate him." The  customer says to the chef, " You had one or two false starts but when you eventually got there it was an excellent meal. Most enjoyable. By the way, where do you come from?"  The chef dropped his trousers, bent over and said, "You tell me!"  

[phantom]

It's Hell to be Old  

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!  

   

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. 

The doctor gave the man a  jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'  

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar, 

which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried 

with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..  

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with 

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,

then with her teeth out, still  nothing.  

She even called up Arleen, the lady next door 

and she tried too, first with both hands, then an 

armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' 

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'    

 

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[phantom]

[BigTone]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[BigTone]

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

Edited February 18, 2015 by BigTone

[BigTone]

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[BigTone]

Since her new husband is 85 years old, Jenny, who is 25, decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

[BigTone]

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.

The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."

The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."

[Slack Bladder]

I just went up into attic and found a present I forgot to give the kids at Christmas.

 

It's a shame, they would have loved that puppy.

[BigTone]

Two neighbor women are taking their weekly walk together, when one of the women begins to complain about the heat.

The other lady states, "I took my panties off three blocks ago, and now I'm much cooler. You should really try it." "I don't know. That seems kind of weird, but I guess I'll try it" the first lady replied.

After a couple blocks, she confesses that the wind making its way up her skirt is refreshing indeed.

Two blocks later, the women notice another woman sitting on her porch, eating watermelon. The woman is also wearing a skirt, and undoubtedly has no underwear on.

The first lady exclaims "Isn't it so much cooler to sit outside with no panties on?!" The woman replies "I don't know about being cooler, but it sure keeps the flies away from the watermelon!"

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Regrettably I have decided to hang up my joke book from here on.  I look forward to seeing the thread continue with input from you all.

 

Cheers

 

Tone

[I am the mole]

What do you call a French man in sandals??

Philippe phillope!

[WhistleHappy]

Regrettably I have decided to hang up my joke book from here on.  I look forward to seeing the thread continue with input from you all.

 

Cheers

 

Tone

.....yeah right, come off it Tone, you gotta be joking. You're having a laugh if you think we'll believe that.

You funny bugger you .

[BigTone]

.....yeah right, come off it Tone, you gotta be joking. You're having a laugh if you think we'll believe that.

You funny bugger you .

 

I will continue to appear from time to time

[PHILINFRANCE]

I will continue to appear from time to time

 

Which is what you have done recently!

 

Seriously, I have spent time where you are now, and there comes a time when you just collapse.

 

Well done for keeping it up for so long - easy in the ME when there are no girls! 

[BigTone]

 

 

Well done for keeping it up for so long - easy in the ME when there are no girls! 

 

I beg you pardon !!  Just the opposite I think.

[PHILINFRANCE]

I beg you pardon !!  Just the opposite I think.

 

Ha!

 

I have just seen your response, and my post was extremely clumsy!

 

What I meant, and I am conscious of digging an ever increasing hole, is that when there are few distractions, e.g. in KSA, one can find time to spend on trivia.

 

Is that better?

 

Seriously, I shall really miss your column if you do decide to quit.

 

Anyway, all the best and many thanks for the years of humorous pleasure.

Edited March 6, 2015 by PHILINFRANCE

[BigTone]

Ha!

 

I have just seen your response, and my post was extremely clumsy!

 

What I meant, and I am conscious of digging an ever increasing hole, is that when there are few distractions, e.g. in KSA, one can find time to spend on trivia.

 

Is that better?

 

Seriously, I shall really miss your column if you do decide to quit.

 

Anyway, all the best and many thanks for the years of humorous pleasure.

 

Thank you Sir, but it was actually in Saudi that I found it most difficult to find the time mostly because of work commitments.

 

Anyway thanks again for the compliment.

Edited March 6, 2015 by BigTone

[WhistleHappy]

[WTFiGO!?!]

My best friend ran off with my girlfriend.

It's only been three days but I already miss him.