BigTone Posted February 14, 2014 Report Share Posted February 14, 2014 When I was 7 I walked in on my mum and dad having sex. I said "What are you doing?" dad said "We are making you a new brother or sister" I said 'Well would you do doggy style then, because I would rather have a puppy" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 14, 2014 Report Share Posted February 14, 2014 An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!""Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.""Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 27, 2014 Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 AND NOW..for my next trick I will attempt to eat a percussion instrument in a bap. Drum roll please! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 27, 2014 Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 My girlfriend said she's dumping me because of my obsession with plants. So I asked her "where does this stem from petal?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 27, 2014 Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 A farmer from the Welsh Valleys was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied up her left leg to a pole.I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right leg to a pole too.As soon as I finished milking her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail so I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt.As I was just tying up her tail, when my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 1, 2014 Report Share Posted March 1, 2014 A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. After work.His wife screams at him as his friend listens in,"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him here for?""Because he's thinking of getting married." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 3, 2014 Report Share Posted March 3, 2014 A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the knee. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 3, 2014 Report Share Posted March 3, 2014 A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing ............. it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted March 5, 2014 Report Share Posted March 5, 2014 Qu: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?? An: Hot cross bunnies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 6, 2014 Report Share Posted March 6, 2014 A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says: "World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!" He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood and with one swing cuts the walnut into two pieces. The man comes out amazed. 30 years later he sees a similiar poster: "World sensation: A viking cuts a coconut in half with his penis!" "Can it be the same viking?" the man thinks and buys a ticket to the show, where he sees the now much older viking slowly coming to the ring, placing a coconut on the table and after an aimed swing with his pecker two halves of coconut fall to the ground. After the show ended the man walks up to the viking and asks him, after this many years, why did he change from walnuts to coconuts? The viking answerd: "You know, at this age, my vision is just not the same." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 7, 2014 Report Share Posted March 7, 2014 There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman...It used to be a Scotsman, but he wants to go it alone so **** him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 11, 2014 Report Share Posted March 11, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 11, 2014 Report Share Posted March 11, 2014 A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time." ... When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf,an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified.. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ar*e!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 11, 2014 Report Share Posted March 11, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 17, 2014 Report Share Posted March 17, 2014 I saw a fella with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal." Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 I got home from work and the wife said " why don't you pack your bags and go you lazy b*****d".......... "you pack them" I said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 Just told Wife, I've been offered a job at the bowling alley.She said "Ten pin".I said "No, its permanent" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 The kids were upset tonight because I put ginger in their curry ...................... they loved that cat . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted March 25, 2014 Admin Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 The kids were upset tonight because I put ginger in their curry ...................... they loved that cat . Peter Reid told it better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted March 26, 2014 Admin Report Share Posted March 26, 2014 Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at Camborne Magistrates Court, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing an allotment on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around," he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, you know?," he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until P C Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car. P C Brenda Taylor evidence was as follows : "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said P C Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin." P C Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... I said: "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??" He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: "A pumpkin? Shit... is it midnight already?" The Courtroom erupted with laughter, the Magistrates could not contain their mirth and deferred sentencing until someone can be serious Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted March 26, 2014 Admin Report Share Posted March 26, 2014 Tact, as taught by the Marines A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with a Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 29, 2014 Report Share Posted March 29, 2014 "Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me. "Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him. "Really?" he asked. "No," I replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 29, 2014 Report Share Posted March 29, 2014 I've just packed in my job as a taxidermist. They gave me an elephant to do and I got fed up doing the same stuff everyday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 5, 2014 Report Share Posted April 5, 2014 I've just finished reading George Orwell's 1984. I can't believe how bad things were back then. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 5, 2014 Report Share Posted April 5, 2014 I've been diagnosed with mild dyslexia. I'm sure it's worry to nothing about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 6, 2014 Report Share Posted April 6, 2014 (edited) Cliff Richard was in a Chinese restaurant one evening with friends Waiter .. "Criff I love your sungs sing for me Tits And Fanny, prease" Cliff.. "I am very sorry but I am out with friends can you leave us alone thank you". Waiter.." prease Criff, prease" . Cliff.." Look here, I have never sung a song about tits and fanny so please go away". Waiter..".I sing for you, tits and fanny why we don't talk any more". Edited April 6, 2014 by BigTone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 13, 2014 Report Share Posted April 13, 2014 I ate three large tins of alphabetti spaghetti yesterday - I've just had the largest vowel movement ever... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 20, 2014 Report Share Posted April 20, 2014 I was thinking of giving up being a flasher but then I decided to stick it out for another year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 21, 2014 Report Share Posted April 21, 2014 A woman was having bath when she noticed the old window cleaner getting on with his job at the bathroom window.Feeling a bit naughty she thought she would wind him up bit so she started to soap her breasts in a somewhat suggestive manner.She looked across to the window cleaner who was taking no notice of her and continued to clean the windows whistling a jaunty tune.Feeling a bit miffed that she hadn't caught his attention she stood up in the bath and began to soap up her nether regions, working up somewhat of a lather as she did so, and yet when she looked at the window cleaner he was still whistling away and not taking any notice.Feeling a tad more miffed she decided to really up the stakes and began pleasuring herself with the loofah working up to a loud and frothy orgasm.When she had her breath back she noticed that the window cleaner was still merrily cleaning the window apparently unaware of, or unmoved by, her brazen display.Furious, she flung open the window (luckily french so it opened inwards) and shouted at him"Whats the matter with you??He replied"Whats the mater with you love, have you never seen a window cleaner before?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.