glynriley Posted May 20, 2013 Report Share Posted May 20, 2013 My wife is leaving me as she thinks I'm obsessed with the band The Monkees. I though she was joking at first. And then I saw her face.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fodbarmyarmy Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 My wife is leaving me because I spend too much time online #mustbethattimeofthemonth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted May 21, 2013 Admin Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 Despite Robin Van Persie netting 25 goals this season he's still only the third best attacker in Manchester, behind Ken Barlow and Kevin Webster Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted May 21, 2013 Admin Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 An Indian man has been arrested for punching his wife in the face. . . ..Chinda Goodunpropa denies the charge! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
You Do The Dziekanowski Posted May 21, 2013 Report Share Posted May 21, 2013 What's yellow and good at maths? A yellow calculator, Don't be racist! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fodbarmyarmy Posted May 22, 2013 Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 Q: What goes....2,4,6,,10,17,25,,54,,122 A: The postman's new round in Moore Oklahoma Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 22, 2013 Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 Sorry been off sick I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no ******g money in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 22, 2013 Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 Two Essex girls walking along the seafront at Southend. Suddenly a street photographer jumped out in front of them and started to take a photograph. One of the girls said to the other, "Stand still. He's trying to focus." Her mate replied, "What, both of us?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tall King Blox Posted May 22, 2013 Report Share Posted May 22, 2013 Just met some guy from Oklahoma..................in my garden Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 29, 2013 Report Share Posted May 29, 2013 I got the sack from my job because they said I was stupid and bigoted. I am not stupid, I am dyslexic, and I cant help it if I've got big toes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted June 1, 2013 Admin Report Share Posted June 1, 2013 A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise' (You're going to love this, and you're going to hate yourself for loving it!...) 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 7, 2013 Report Share Posted June 7, 2013 A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 9, 2013 Report Share Posted June 9, 2013 Driving past a jail, I saw a very small prisoner climbing down a wall.He turned and sneered at me, I thought "that's a little condescending" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollywhyte Posted June 9, 2013 Report Share Posted June 9, 2013 I really wish I knew who kicked the jack out from under the car I was working on. The suspension is killing me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollywhyte Posted June 14, 2013 Report Share Posted June 14, 2013 Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her" Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?" !!!BANG!!! Paddy "OK, done that, what next?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CheddarReds Posted June 16, 2013 Report Share Posted June 16, 2013 from a penguin bar: 'What did the magic penguin say to the other penguin?' 'pick a cod and cod' oh dear... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 17, 2013 Report Share Posted June 17, 2013 A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who ******d up your hair?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 22, 2013 Report Share Posted June 22, 2013 Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 22, 2013 Report Share Posted June 22, 2013 Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred quid. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner." She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "A hundred pounds." He replies, "All I got is thirty." She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty pounds is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this huge cock. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back." She runs back to Keith. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Any chance you could lend this bloke seventy quid? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 22, 2013 Report Share Posted June 22, 2013 My girlfriend and I have just had a massive row over the severity of Jeremy Forrest's sentence. Cow! She can do her own homework! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 8, 2013 Report Share Posted July 8, 2013 Many apologies for my absence of late: An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 8, 2013 Report Share Posted July 8, 2013 What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 8, 2013 Report Share Posted July 8, 2013 Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 8, 2013 Report Share Posted July 8, 2013 Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred quid. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "A hundred pounds." He replies, "All I got is thirty."She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?""A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty pounds is a hand job.He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this huge cock. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back." She runs back to Keith."What's wrong?" he asks."Any chance you could lend this bloke seventy quid? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brizzle Jordan Posted July 11, 2013 Report Share Posted July 11, 2013 There was a kid who went to an inflatable school, everything was inflatable, the teachers, the tables, the students, the stationary etc etc. He decided to pop everything in the school so he was then called into a meeting with his teacher who said to him... You've let yourself down, you've let me down, your friends down and most importantly the school down. I'll get me coat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kelly Posted July 12, 2013 Report Share Posted July 12, 2013 Similarity between a snob and a tampon? There both stuck up c@nts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kelly Posted July 12, 2013 Report Share Posted July 12, 2013 How do you blinfold a Chinese man? Dental floss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 14, 2013 Report Share Posted July 14, 2013 I've just won the 'Most secretive person 2013' award. I can't tell you how much it means to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cider hoss rules Posted July 14, 2013 Report Share Posted July 14, 2013 I'm going to put an end to female patronisation. So don't any of you ladies worry your pretty little heads Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 16, 2013 Report Share Posted July 16, 2013 The girlfriend wanted to try a bit of role reversal in the bedroom. I hated it though, I just sat there half the night with my arms folded while she was down the pub. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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