BigTone Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's and fair play to her, at 96 she had all the Halloween decorations up.Cobwebs and insects in the window and a skeleton on the couch.She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer.I'll pop back next year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 My Grandad is always complaining about the price of everything. "One pound fifty for a cup of tea?" "75p for two digestive biscuits?" In the end I had to say, "Look Grandad, you just popped round. I didn't invite you". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 5, 2013 Report Share Posted November 5, 2013 When my wife came in from work I flung my arms around her."Thank God you're safe!""What's brought this on?" She asked, puzzled."I heard that a cow was causing chaos on the M25 and made the assumption that you'd broken down." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hartcliffe red Posted November 8, 2013 Report Share Posted November 8, 2013 Why does a avon lady walk funny?..cur her lipstick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 16, 2013 Report Share Posted November 16, 2013 When a girl gets a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240Volt, 3 phase Shag-Master Pro 5000 blow-up latex doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticised anus and breast nipple discharge, non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream sound system, I'm apparently a bleedin' pervert! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 20, 2013 Report Share Posted November 20, 2013 (edited) I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, Tubes entering different parts of my body, Wires monitoring every function, A gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. I heard her say, 'You may-not feel anything from the waist down.' I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?' Edited November 20, 2013 by BigTone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith_Lemon Posted November 30, 2013 Report Share Posted November 30, 2013 I'm Caucasian My Mother is from Ireland My father was born in Japan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 5, 2013 Report Share Posted December 5, 2013 I got my wife one of those Pug dogs for a present.Despite the squashed nose,rolls of fat ,bulging eyes,bad breath and being just plain ugly the dog has really taken to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted December 6, 2013 Report Share Posted December 6, 2013 Thousands are said to be gathering outside Nelson Mandela's house. Del Boy and Rodney have told them to **** off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted December 6, 2013 Report Share Posted December 6, 2013 A woman went to see her doctor. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor. "I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina" said the woman. The doctor laughed and replied "Those aren't postage stamps, they're the stickers off the bananas" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 6, 2013 Report Share Posted December 6, 2013 Man walks into the library and ask's the librarian "Do you have any books on the female G spot?"The librarian disappears and comes back after a few minutes, "Can't find it" she say's."That's the one" say's the man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myol'man Posted December 10, 2013 Report Share Posted December 10, 2013 DJ Campbell insists he is innocent of all match fixing charges and is looking forward to playing in Blackburn's 2-2 draw with Millwall this weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 15, 2013 Report Share Posted December 15, 2013 Nigella Lawson, off her tits, snorting cocaine. Who cares?Nigella Lawson snorting cocaine off her tits. Now you're talking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 15, 2013 Report Share Posted December 15, 2013 My wife looked at me through the kitchen window as she was washing the dishes and called me an uncaring b*****d.She's not a big fan of the new outside tap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
You Do The Dziekanowski Posted December 15, 2013 Report Share Posted December 15, 2013 DJ Campbell insists he is innocent of all match fixing charges and is looking forward to playing in Blackburn's 2-2 draw with Millwall this weekend. Was it 2-2? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted December 16, 2013 Admin Report Share Posted December 16, 2013 This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cartons of Victoria Bitter beer cheap at the local supermarket.I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station for fuel where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in ashort skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in mypassenger window, and said in a sexy voice:"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested intrading sex for beer?"I thought for a few seconds and asked:"What kind of beer 'ya got?" Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole,but we don't have a ladder.'The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a fewbolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off.Mick said to Paddy,'Isn't that just like a blonde!We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 18, 2013 Report Share Posted December 18, 2013 You all know what Mrs BT is like for buying bags, so I thought I'd surprise her. I bought her a matching bag and belt set for Christmas. She wasn't impressed ........ .......... but at least the hoover works now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 21, 2013 Report Share Posted December 21, 2013 John Ward took his Bristol Rovers team to the Bristol Childrens Hospital today for the annual Christmas visit. "Some of their stories would break your heart." said one of the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 22, 2013 Report Share Posted December 22, 2013 Me and the missus have been getting a bit bored with our sex life so I suggested we have a night of lust whilst impersonating someone famous. I asked her what her fantasy was and she said it would "turn her on" if I seduced her whilst doing an impression of Sean Connery. It was all going splendidly well until I asked if she would like to"sit on my face" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 22, 2013 Report Share Posted December 22, 2013 I've been invited to a Christmas party at the local nudist camp. I might go if i've got nothing on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 25, 2013 Report Share Posted December 25, 2013 My kids keep taking the p1ss out of my alzeimers, wont be so funny when they get up Christmas morning and there are no eggs under the bonfire !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 25, 2013 Report Share Posted December 25, 2013 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 27, 2013 Report Share Posted December 27, 2013 Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good, Jenny," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted December 28, 2013 Report Share Posted December 28, 2013 Young lass on holiday in Cornwall with her parents. "Look mum, there's a shag on that rock". "No dear, it's polite to call them cormorants". "Oh, right..." A moment's silence.. "See that cave over there, mum? That's where me and the deck chair man had a cormorant last night". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted December 29, 2013 Report Share Posted December 29, 2013 (edited) DP Edited December 29, 2013 by Aizoon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1960maaan Posted December 31, 2013 Report Share Posted December 31, 2013 A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband "I must admit, I used to be a hooker" He say's "That's ok dear, your past is your past, but I must say, I find it quite erotic, tell me about it"..........."My real name was George and I played for Wigan" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin Maesknoll Red Posted January 2, 2014 Admin Report Share Posted January 2, 2014 Well, so much for the new fitness regime. Went to the gym yesterday and noticed a hole in my trainer large enough to put my finger in. She made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 3, 2014 Report Share Posted January 3, 2014 A guy is watching TV when he hears a knock at the front door. He goes and opens it, but looks around and sees nobody. By chance, he looks down at his feet and sees a small snail staring back up at him. He kicks the snail clear off the front porch and into the front yard and slams the door shut. Two years later, the same man watching TV hears a knock at the front door. He goes and opens it, but looks around and sees nobody. He looks down at his feet and sees the snail staring back up at him. The snail says "What the fig was THAT all about?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 5, 2014 Report Share Posted January 5, 2014 I've got a terrible urge to blend chick peas and garlic together then smear it all over my naked body. I think I might be hummusexual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 5, 2014 Report Share Posted January 5, 2014 News flash. Surgeon looking after Michael Schumacher said today there was no change, he is still an arrogant German b*****d. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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