Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But at the end of these five years he realised that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said "Pardon?"

[BigTone]

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed. I said "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth"... "What trick?" she asked. "The one where you shut the **** up and go to sleep!"

[BigTone]

Pastor john Flapps sees a lady church member pi***d in the pub, he tries to help her home but they both fall over and he lands on top of her.
landlord shouts "oi mate you cant do that in here"
rev replies "no no you don't understand im pastor flapps"
landlord says "oh well if your that far in you may as well finish"

[BigTone]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah" says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"

[BigTone]

Some b*****d's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 16 pegs back.

[cider hoss rules]

what's the difference between love, true love and showing off .....

spitting, swallowing and gargling

[Cunnyfunt]

I was walking down the street and approached a gang of black kids putting graffiti on a wall. They appeared to be writing their names so I asked if I could spray mine on. I got to the 3rd letter when they started to kick the crap out of me. I didn't realise Nigel was such an uncool name.

[BigTone]

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him. I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?" He said "I'm off to change a light bulb". Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing... then said "That's gonna be a bit awkward innit?" "Not really" he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive b*****d".

[BigTone]

I was telling a mate about my first parachute jump last night.''when i got to the door i couldn't jump, so the 6'7" instructor unzipped his fly and flopped out his 14" cock and told me if i didn't jump he'd stick it up my ar*e, my mate said ''did you jump?'' I said '' a bit, when it first went in!''

[BigTone]

How many perverts does it take to change a lightbulb?


I don't know, I can't get it out my ar*e

[cider hoss rules]

A man walks into a doctor’s office with a stick of celery in one ear, a carrot in the other and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks: "Doctor what's wrong with me?" The doctor looks at the man and replies: "You're not eating properly!"

[cider hoss rules]

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

[cider hoss rules]

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a paediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The paediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

[cider hoss rules]

I was driving in the country when my car stalled. When I got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside me. “Your trouble is probably in the carburettor,” said the cow.
Startled, I jumped back and ran down the road until I met a farmer, and I told him the story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” I replied.
“Oh! I would not listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She does not know anything about cars.”

[Fodbarmyarmy]

Bristol Rovers are 20/1 to win promotion next season...

For those of you who don't understand betting odds it means that if you bet £40 you will lose £40

[BigTone]

My wife left me for not being manly enough.

"Oooooh!" I thought, "Get her."

[BigTone]

When I realised Margaret Thatcher was dead, I did a double fist pump and a little jiggy dance, singing "Ha! Ha! Ha! The witch is dead. Oh Yes at long last the witch is dead. Hip Hip Hooray"

Everyone around me was absolutely disgusted, and looking back I suppose it was out of order.

Especially as I was the first paramedic at the scene.

[BigTone]

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

[cider hoss rules]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

[cider hoss rules]

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

[cider hoss rules]

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in colour. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, “I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

[BigTone]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin". The husband replies "That's no big thing in this day and age".
The wife continues "Yeah, I've been with one other guy". "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods". "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah". "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him".
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time". The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time". The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

[BigTone]

This bloke woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a rag head Muslim sneaking through his neighbour's garden. Suddenly his neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with a shovel. Stunned and astonished he returned to bed. His wife asked "Darling you're shaking, what is it??" You'll never believe what I've just seen' he said... 'That b*****d next door has still got my bloody shovel!'"

[BigTone]

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2"

[Drew Peacock]

I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.

We took the A4.

[Drew Peacock]

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct

[Drew Peacock]

I saw a Land Cruiser with a bumper sticker saying : " I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".

Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

[Drew Peacock]

A Bangladeshi woman has been pulled out of the rubble after 17 days trapped in the factory .
Primark have questioned her overtime sheet.

[cider hoss rules]

My wife said she's leaving me because I treat her like a dog.

I said, "Before you go, do you mind fetching me my slippers and a paper?"

[cider hoss rules]

<sub>My wife is leaving me because because because because becaaaaaauuse....

she thinks I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.</sub>